I promise I’m not being evasive.
But when you ask me how I’m doing I never know exactly what to say.
Do I give the conventional, anticipated answer so we can each get on with our day or do I give you the answer that reflects the state of my heart right now?
Either way is risky.
When I go along with convention and answer, “fine”, I let others off the hook. I assure them the card they wrote or the meal they brought or the flowers they sent have staying power to convince my heart they care.
Depending on my relationship with them, sometimes it’s all (or more than) I expected. So we’re good.
But sometimes I thought they’d stick around, check in more often or offer some kind of ongoing support. Then I battle the temptation to reveal the actual state of my heart as a kind of retribution for being abandoned.
When I bravely offer an honest answer, I may catch someone by surprise, or make them supremely uncomfortable, or put them on the defensive as they scramble for some kind of response.
As a society we are simply unequipped to deal with the ongoing impact grief and loss has on a heart. We want all things to fit into the medical model of “wound-treatment-healing”.
But they don’t.
So, so many sad, heartbreaking, life-changing blows are never healed this side of Heaven.
Child loss is one of them.
So some days (or moments) I’m doing pretty well.
Some days (or weeks) I’m not well at all.
How am I?
That’s a hard question to answer. ❤