This past week has been both hard and wonderful.
Some things happened that mean the next few months are going to be extra painful, extra stressful and extra challenging.
But I had a grace-filled, heartwarming visit with another bereaved mama who came all the way from Maine just to hang out with me. And that was so, so good.
As she and I shared over coffee and tea, shopping and meals, lounging and walking we found so many ways in which our journeys have been similar even though the details are really very different.
One is this: There was a distinct moment along the way when each of us began to see light and color again in the midst of our darkness and pain and it was a turning point.
When I was forced unwillingly on this long, hard journey, everything was dark. Nothing sparked joy. The whole world became a grainy black and white image on an ancient TV and it was fuzzy, flat and utterly uninteresting.
What’s worse, my heart could only REALLY feel two things-pain and love-and they were so inextricably intertwined I was no longer sure which was which.
I couldn’t run fast enough or far enough to escape the darkness or the pain.
I had to face all the awful of child loss, embrace it, feel it, work through it, talk about it in safe spaces with safe people and sit quietly for hours with my thoughts and uncomfortable emotions. I had to let time do the work that only time can do.
There are no shortcuts on this journey.
And then there was a moment when I saw something beautiful and felt something wonderful and I didn’t have to TELL my heart it was beautiful and wonderful.
I just KNEW and I could FEEL it.
At first, these moments didn’t last long and were isolated. But eventually the moments came faster, lasted longer and were closer together. I learned to embrace them, hold onto them, build upon them and look for them.
Now, the moments of light, life and color make up most of my days.
I have not forgotten Dominic. My heart aches to see him again, hold him again, share life with him again. But I’ve learned to hold that yearning for the life I used to have and gratitude for the life I live now in the same heart. I’ve found that allowing joy to fill my soul doesn’t push him away or to the side as if he doesn’t matter.
So if you think there is no way you can survive this awful, awful journey, keep going.
If you are still in the dark days and fearful light will never penetrate the depth of your pain and despair, hold on.
If your world has gone colorless, don’t give up.
Look for your moment, it’s coming.
And when it does, grab it.
There’s more where that came from.
Share this:
thelifeididntchoose 
Yes! I thought they were just rare few and far between mini moments where my heart felt something. I’m so glad that I’m not alone in feeling these things. I love the term letting the light into your heart. Grab those moments anytime you can and whenever you can. And hopefully theyll become more and more. Peace love and light to all of us ❤️
LikeLiked by 1 person
Mamas so glad you enjoyed your comfort day together, how lovely….those joy moments that ease our hearts a little ❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
They most certainly do. ❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
“My heart aches to see him again, hold him again, share life with him again. But I’ve learned to hold that yearning for the life I used to have and the life I live now in the same heart.”
I’ve not commented in awhile… but the words above so resonate within this mama’s heart. My life looks nothing like the life we lived when my Jacob was alive. Almost 8 years have passed and I am feeling the “healing” with the “broken” still intact.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for sharing. Even though I write the words, sometimes I find when I read them they resonate with my heart almost as if written by someone else. That’s how I walk now-I call it beautiful broken-a world where joy and pain, longing and loving, healing and hurting coexist. ❤
LikeLike
Your words are so beautiful and so so true.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Light is lovely and gives my heart hope. Even the smallest sliver can help guide me in the darkness. Thank you, friend, for the words of encouragement. ❤
LikeLike
I cling to your words. Right now they are the only thing that gives me hope.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh, Marlane! May the tiny bit of hope my words give you be the seed God uses to fill your heart with His hope which never disappoints. One of my favorite verses (now, in the “after”) is “Then you will know that I am the LORD; those who hope in Me will never be put to shame” Isaiah 43:29b
May the Lord overwhelm your hurting heart with His grace, mercy and love and may He give you the strength to hold onto hope. ❤
LikeLike
Thank you Melanie
Your words once again lifted me up and gave me hope for the light 💡.
So thankful you had a comforting day with another bereaved mom .
You are such a blessing to so many of us Melanie .
Hugs
Mary Ann
LikeLiked by 1 person
It was a lovely visit. All of us need to know others understand and when there’s that “Aha!” moment when someone helps you put words to what you feel, it’s even better. Thank you for the kind words and encouragement. May the Lord give you strength for each new day and fill your heart with His grace, love and mercy. ❤
LikeLike
Simply beautiful 💙
LikeLiked by 1 person
❤
LikeLike