A mom who is also coming up on her season of sorrow this spring wrote that she felt like screaming and throwing things.
I get it.
And because I live in the middle of the woods, far from neighbors or nosy passers-by, I’ve done it.
Sometimes I walk in the woods and just holler out my questions, my pain, my indignation that this is my life.
Other times I cry as loud as I want to, not trying to hold in the sobs.
When I’m really angry that it will soon be seven years since Dominic has crossed the threshold of home, I take old eggs and toss them at trees. I work myself to a frazzle stacking sticks to burn. I use my clippers and chop away at underbrush, releasing pent up feelings with every satisfying snap of a twig.
The longer it is since his leaving, the more I feel I need to have it together in public. Others have long moved on and my tears are inexplicable to those who have forgotten.
And while I have gotten stronger and better able to carry this load called “child loss” this time of year makes it all fresh again.
The pressure builds with no place to go.
It’s going to force its way through the weakest part of my character if I don’t release it on purpose.
So I do.
If you need me, I’ll be outside for the next few weeks.
If you hear something, don’t worry.
I’m just letting off steam.
❤
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thelifeididntchoose 
I still have my daughter’s urn with most of her ashes at my house, but I placed a marker for her at the foot of my mother’s grave with some ashes underneath. Peaceful place in the middle of nowhere with an aunt who lives across the road. That was where I did most of my screaming. Now I usually sing and cry. Good place to do both. Almost feels like a family reunion in that spot with my parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, brother, and so on so near. It took years before I trusted myself to handle Christmas tree ornaments for fear I would smash them on purpose.
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I can hear you all the way over on the other side of the ocean Melaine. Our yells will reach the stars God made. Srnding my love ❤
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I love this. I have felt this way so many times. I miss my only child, my 8 year old daughter, Kaitlyn. She would be 11 now. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, they help me navigate through this awful, lonely nightmare. Jennifer, Kaitlyn’s mom.
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Thank you for sharing this!!! I have been so angry.
My son went to heaven 2 months ago. Most people don’t understand, the anger. My son knew and cont. to know. How much I love him. But I’m so angry at him , the universe etc. for dying! I did let my self scream and. Cry about this. Today I’m more at peace, tomorrow who knows? I agree we have to let it out some how, or my loved ones here on earth will get the brunt of it.
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I guess I am just at the numb stage (if that’s a thing) waiting impatiently for the time I see my son again! I enjoy your writings so much because I don’t feel so crazy for still having such sad feelings still and all of the others. Thanks again for sharing your gift of putting your feelings on paper. I know you have helped many!
God bless you!
Jackie
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Melanie- I hear you. Coming up (3/14) on 10 years for my son Connor who died when his balcony railing gave way. Inspections were not done Bloomberg was mayor & seeing him all over tv has been rough. I met w him after with a big glossy 8 by 10 of my boy, so he could have a face for the name. On the up side, I just finished a 200 page book about my son’s life for my granddaughters. I used a great app called Storyworth. This blog helps a lot. Thank you. I will be going outside alot😉❤️
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