Regrets

Every parent has regrets.

We were too busy or we were not busy enough. We spoke harshly when we should have withheld judgement. We insisted on “good behavior” when our child was simply being curious and doing what all active children do.

The difference between most parents and bereaved parents is this: As long as there is breath, there is hope for forgiveness, for mending fences, for saying, “Hey, remember when” followed by an apology and understanding.

When your child is out of reach there’s no chance of making amends or even having a conversation.

So I’m left alone to work through any regrets I have.

I am forced to play both roles and make assumptions about what Dominic may or may not have understood at the time. I have to hope without confirmation that he would forgive me for the moments when I was less than the mom I wish I had been.

Most days I rest in the truth that no matter what, Dominic knew he was loved.

In fact, I try hard to imagine that even in the last second of his life-before he met Jesus-he may have been focused on my mother love and that if I could have been there I would have been.

But there are cold days and cloudy days and days when I feel oh, so inadequate and all the regrets come knocking at the door of my heart.

Those are hard.

So although I rarely play the “if you only knew” card with friends and family I will say this: Tell the people you love what you need to tell them. Let them hear you say aloud how much they mean to you.

Savor ordinary moments because that’s what life is made of.

There’s no regret in that.

Author: Melanie

I am a shepherd, wife and mother of four amazing children, three that walk the earth with me and one who lives with Jesus. This is a record of my grief journey and a look into the life I didn't choose. If you are interested in joining a community of bereaved parents leaning on the promises of God in Christ, please like the public Facebook page, "Heartache and Hope: Life After Losing a Child" and join the conversation.

2 thoughts on “Regrets”

  1. Thank you, dear Melanie. In darkness I think of my Jeffy dying alone, wondering about his last moments. I cry as I type. I’m comforted that my last words to him that day included “I love you.” But oh there are regrets. It is a battle here on earth. Thank you for your honest, vulnerable heart.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Oh Melanie as you usually do you hit a strong chord with me today as we have just come through the fifth anniversary of losing our son at age 25. He would be 30.
    I just had this conversation with my husband the other day through many tears. Thankfully I visit this place but I don’t stay there too long. I think if I had to do over what I would do differently. But that is not the case. And I do know in my heart of hearts that I did the very very best I could. Which is all we can ask of each other and ourselves. I know I did provide a lot of fun !!!!!

    Liked by 2 people

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