When it Doesn’t Feel Like Grace

It’s been said that everything this side of hell is the grace of God.

But burying my child doesn’t feel like grace, it feels like punishment.

Or abandonment.

Or forgetfulness.

I cannot add my voice to the modern Christian chorus of “Everything happens for a reason”.

Is this my tree, set in the midst of my garden?  The one about which God says, “Trust Me”?

I am tempted to argue, tempted to try to frame the meaning of my test in terms my human heart can understand.

“God must not love me.”

“He must be hiding something.”

I am faced with the same question that mocked my first mother, “Did God really say?”

And, like Eve, I am tempted to give in to the fear that draws my soul to doubt the wisdom and goodness of God.

Why would He bring me to this place where I am forced to walk obediently in trust and without light?

But these are whispers of the enemy of my soul, luring me away from the only Source of hope and comfort that there is.

And he is skilled at turning my feelings against the truth.

I am powerless to fight the serpent in my own strength, too weak to answer what seem like reasonable questions.

So I throw myself on the mercy of Him Who made me, of Him Who brought me to this point of testing.

In my weakness I rest in His strength.

and finally He said to me, “My grace is enough to cover and sustain you. My power is made perfect in weakness.” So ask me about my thorn, inquire about my weaknesses, and I will gladly go on and on—I would rather stake my claim in these and have the power of the Anointed One at home within me.

2 Corinthians 12:9 VOICE

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author: Melanie

I am a shepherd, wife and mother of four amazing children, three that walk the earth with me and one who lives with Jesus. This is a record of my grief journey and a look into the life I didn't choose. If you are interested in joining a community of bereaved parents leaning on the promises of God in Christ, please like the public Facebook page, "Heartache and Hope: Life After Losing a Child" and join the conversation.

2 thoughts on “When it Doesn’t Feel Like Grace”

  1. Lost my 20 year old, Sean, four years ago. Hw was 300 miles away at college in memphis TM. Studying Music and ministry. He was gorgeous in every way. A champion of the broken and lost. he fed the homeless in memphis out of the back of his car and was the first on the scene when a family member or friend was struggling, literally giving the shirt off his back. Sean was also a true artist. he saw the world with a very different sense than most kids his age. He had an eternal minded soul. If it wasn’t eternal, he wasn’t so in treated. He saw god’s artistry in everything and everybody; No judgment from him. He hated sarcasm and jokes at others expense. He anted to travel the country and world, sharing his music, spoken word poetry and work along missions and ministers whereever there was a need. He loved mission trips,especially those including working with orphans and those in poverty. Costa Rica was one of his favorite trips that he took.
    Anyway…I struggle so hard with this journey. I raised my two boys to cling to Abba, father, God. To call on his as a true daddy and Sean did. He was truley gentle yet courageous and a lover of Christ. Why?- is the question that will not leave me and my heart is in constant pain. He was a son and a friend. He would call just to ask how I and his little brother were and pray with me and for us and ask me for the same.
    I am drowning and want to find my love and trust for God and in him but I feel so betrayed.
    Why allow Sean;s death when he was one of the good guys. A selfless 20 year old that pointed to God constantly…?

    Like

    1. Alison,

      I share your pain and your questions. All I can offer is my own decision to continue to cling to Truth. My heart can only rest in trusting that God is God-I will freely confess that I am less sure what that actually means today than I was 21 months ago before my son was killed- but I will lean on that truth. I pray that grace and mercy overwhelm you and that while you may always have questions, you will be able to once again trust Abba. I am do very sorry for your pain

      Like

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