I talk about Dominic “running ahead” but it feels like I‘m leaving him behind.
I know he’s the first to Heaven and I know I’ll join him, but my daily experience is that I am the one moving forward and he is the one stuck somewhere, unable to catch up.
I absolutely HATE that his footprint on my life grows smaller with each passing day, each new memory made without him, each event at which his smiling face makes no entrance.
I can’t stop the accumulation of bits and pieces that make it harder to spot his unique contribution to the collage of my life.
I am in no danger of forgetting him.
That’s not what I fear.
But bringing what he still is to me into a conversation, into view for others to see and appreciate is getting more difficult.
When I mention him, people don’t know whether to be sad or happy, question my sanity or rush past hoping I’ll change the subject.
There’s just no natural seque between the living and the dead.
And it hurts my heart to watch the gap grow wider.
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thelifeididntchoose 
I am just now beginning to take my eyes off the rear view mirror – but only for shorts glimpses because there is so much preciousness behind me. I pray we can all look boldly forward with shining faces full of sparkling hope as we anticipate seeing our dear ones again. Driving while looking behind is a sure way to crash. I so want to show the world what a sure hope looks like. To do this, I need to constantly remind myself that AHEAD is where my Hans IS.
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I try hard not to gaze long in the rear view mirror.You are right-it’s not the way to go forward. I want to embrace our future!
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It’s not even been 6 weeks since our 22 year old Malcolm likewise raced ahead to Heaven. It’s so hard to think of making it through another 30 to 40 years without him.
Thank you for your transparent posts. It helps to hear from another mom who knows exactly my struggle.
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Tisha, I am so very sorry for your pain and your loss. I try not to think too far ahead. It boggles my mind that it’s been nearly three years. When I was as fresh as you are in grief, all I could do was take one moment at a time. Now I can look a bit further down the road but not too much. I’m thankful the blog is helpful. May the Lord overwhelm your broken heart with His grace, love and mercy and may He grant you strength for each day. Hugs and love, dear one.
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This is so me right now. It amazes me how a post can seem to be meant for me. I am coming upon my son, Zach’s 8 year angel day and I do feel like I am leaving him behind…he is fading is what I have been saying for the last week or so. Miss him so very much. thank you for posting this…I feel your heart. xo
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I am so sorry Teresa. That’s hard. It’ll only be 3 years for me in April but I definitely feel that I’m leaving Dominic behind. I hate it for all us mamas. Praying that you feel the Lord close to you and that He gives you strength and fills your heart with His love, grace and mercy. Zach is important. He is your son. He is part of you and always will be.
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Oh Melanie, you took my exact thought and feeling down on this blog.
Gentle hugs from one mama to another!
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Thank you Stephanie-back to you dear one.
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Such a crummy feeling . On the one hand there are the handful of our sons friends that speak with us of him with no problem. Been 3.5 years here . But many family and friends I feel like I make them uncomfortable and yet he’s still such a part of our everyday life in our hearts!
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I don’t necessarily fault those who find it uncomfortable-I rather understand it. But the gap widens every day and is harder for me to ignore/breach. Another reminder of how our experience is so very different from that of others.
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