I had no idea that the last time I spoke with Dominic would be the LAST time I spoke with him.
How could I?
He wasn’t hanging on to life by a thread, threatened with a deadly disease nor involved in risky behavior. So I wasn’t weighing my words like I might have if the last time I saw him was in a hospital bed or after springing him from rehab.
No, it was just another casual evening “check in”, another random exchange that ended with, “See you tomorrow. Love you.”
Except tomorrow never came for Dominic even though it surely came for me–with claws and fangs and growling horror.
For some bereaved parents the last words they exchanged with their missing child were awful. They may have been angry or dismissive. They may have been distracted and forgot to say, “I love you.”
And even for us whose words were kind, there is this nagging sense that if we had only known (but how could we?) we would have said something profound, something that would be worth hanging onto if they were hanging onto anything in those last moments before breath left their bodies.
But I honestly believe that our children-in the Presence of Jesus-are not reciting anything that happened before they reached their beautiful eternal Home.
ALL of my mistakes and sins were nailed to the cross.
That is why there is therefore NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. I know it doesn’t take away the feelings of condemnation or guilt, but if Christ’s sacrifice is sufficient (and it IS) then my feelings are lying.
My relationship with Dominic was filled with love, laughter, affirmation and acceptance.
He knew that then and he knows that now.
I have to remind my heart of the facts until it can hear and embrace them.
And when it forgets, I remind it again.
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thelifeididntchoose 
My last contact with my son was a text message. It was about 2am and I sent him a text asking him to turn off his light. He responded “k”. A few minutes later he brought some food up to his room, sat down on his bed, and died. I was only 15 feet away and would have heard if he had called out for help. My son was 36 and we left nothing unsaid. He loved us dearly and told us so daily and he had a good relationship with the Lord. We had a good weekend before he died on Monday morning and his nephew, who always slept with him when visiting, had gone home. The trauma of finding my sweet son dead has been awful, but I’m so grateful my 9 year old grandson didn’t wake up to find his beloved uncle dead in bed with him. Our last words weren’t profound buy most of our words are rarely profound. The love was there and that matters the most.
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So thankful for small mercies. ❤
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Have to remind myself daily. Today is my daughters 25th birthday. She is my only surviving child. She has now lived on earth 1.5 years longer than Matthew did…continues to be unbelievable, however, I know that it is true. So today, we will celebrate Olivia and be so sorry that her brother is not here to celebrate with her. At least not physically, he is always with us…
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❤ We keep on keeping on. Trusting and leaning. It's the only way. Praying your day celebrating your daughter is filled with special times and special memories.
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