No Words

Some days there are just no words for this journey.

Sometimes I can only feel what I feel

and do what I do

and cry when I cry.

Today is like that.

I cannot wrap my mind around the FACT that my son is dead.

Am I somehow defective because I can’t?

Can any parent do that?

I know it’s true-I’m not in denial.

But knowing something is true and embracing it as true are two different things.  I am forced to walk in the world but not always forced to confront Dominic’s absence.

He could just be on a trip, or away at school, or out of cell phone range. It’s funny the tricks your mind will play to placate your heart.

But this morning when the light pushed back against the darkness my mind refused to continue the charade.

In a moment of clarity, the sword of truth penetrated my soul.

And here I am, naked and bleeding clinging to the fact that I am mother to a dead son.

Nowhere to hide.  No way to escape.

No words.

sound of my heart from the inside

 

Author: Melanie

I am a shepherd, wife and mother of four amazing children, three that walk the earth with me and one who lives with Jesus. This is a record of my grief journey and a look into the life I didn't choose. If you are interested in joining a community of bereaved parents leaning on the promises of God in Christ, please like the public Facebook page, "Heartache and Hope: Life After Losing a Child" and join the conversation.

14 thoughts on “No Words”

  1. This is the only truth that i have come across in my search to understand myself since May 2, 2018 the day my son Benjamin died in a fatal motorcycle crash. Your thoughts are my reality. Thank you for writing such a
    poignant, raw truth!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I love how you are able to describe so well your feelings. I do not do so well but, your writing helps me. I feel when I look at a picture his eyes are staring right back and it is like he is right there, it is so powerful. I often have to look away it is so strong. I can’t talk to many people, they literally say they can’t handle hearing about it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am sorry for your pain this day…there are not words that truly console the loss of your daughter…May God wrap His arms around you…

      Like

  3. Some mornings when I awake and see the photograph of Luke at my bedside, I still have difficulty unbelieving he is gone from me. I ask how did that happen?….even though I know he was struggling, how did it come to this? How did this vibrant man that everyone thought was the life and soul of the party not realise how loved he was? How could he have thought we’d all be better off without him?
    Those mornings like you Melanie, I just feel, do and cry x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. So. so hard, Carol! I honestly think that one way I get through most days is that the thought he’s really gone is shoved so far down. But then there are moments and days….and it’s brand new, all over again. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Melanie-boy, did you hit the nail on the head here….this really explains how it feels to mothers…in my case, 8 years later and I know, for as long as I am on this earth…

    Like

  5. Melanie, I feel the same way. I know my daughter is not here on earth. Since she was living on her own, I didn’t see her everyday. We would talk on the phone several times a week and texted a lot back & forth everyday. She was my bff, besides my daughter. I can’t believe she is dead. It’s hard to wrap my brain around it all. The thought of reality just hits me without any warning and I just freeze and cry. It could come on anywhere in any situation.
    It’s been 2 1/2 yrs since here passing. I miss her so very much.
    My husband that had been suffering with Alzheimer’s for 8 yrs, passed away 2 1/2 months ago. To make things even worse, my younger brother passed away May 22. He lived alone and he wasn’t found until 5 days later. It was so shocking. Probably a heart attack. I am in a fog, trying to go forward. Then something happens to set me back again. It such a difficult journey we are on.
    I love reading your blog. I can relate to many things you write about. Keep up if you can, as this momma thinks it is very helpful.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh, my! So much to bear in such a short time. I am so sorry for your pain and your losses. My son lived away from home as well so I know that contributes to my feelings too.

      I intend to keep writing (Lord willing) and am so thankful that it helps, others, even a little.

      Praying that hte Lord will give you strength for each new day and that He will flood your heart with His love, grace and mercy. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Melanie, thank you for writing the words that my heart cries. Ryan has only been ‘gone’ 6 1/2 weeks…I still wait for his 6’2” bear-hug every night💔Ry lived with us & let us believe he was ‘okay’…just searching for the right job. We had no idea that our 39 y.o. son had so much ‘broken’ in brain & body and took his life. My guilt piles up so that some days it is all I can do to breathe. I still go to his room just to ‘smell’ what little is left of his clothes, which are only there for his cat that is suffering too. Some days I am brave & run to the store like before, but then as I find myself doing the chores he always did, my heart cries out to the Lord “why “ & “where were You, Lord”… But thanks to you and to my Heavenly Father, the answer comes swiftly…and I almost feel resplendent joy that Ryan’s tortured mind, which tortured him since he was a little boy, has found rest & wholeness with the Lord. I believe that…at least right now💔 Thank you, Melanie, and all who add to this Blog. Many days I don’t have the words😶and if I do, you only make me stronger than I know I am on my own. Lord, give wings to my words…words to my tears, and comfort to all who grieve..”

        Liked by 1 person

  6. I would like to repost exactly as your blog below on Facebook….may i and if so how can i copy just as below. Understand if you want to keep as just blog

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dee Dee I would appreciate it if you would do it this way: Share using the FB button at the bottom of the post so that the link and original source is visible and available to anyone who wants to read more posts. You may copy and paste the content of the blog (unaltered) as your “comment” on your own post (above the link). That way if people don’t want to click the link they still know this represents your heart. Thank you for asking. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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