75 Percent

I have tried blogging at various times through the years and always given up after a few posts.  My life was full and I found that in a few weeks or months I didn’t really have all that much to say.

It’s different this time-I have been writing every day for almost 20 months and seem to always have at least a sentence or two that wants to burst forth from my keyboard.

I think pain births words.

But one thing I never want to forget is that although Dominic is gone from my sight-my other three children are not.  I still have 75 percent of my children with me.

I do not take that for granted.

Each one is a successful and highly-functioning adult in their own right.  It would be easy to run from a broken family and run toward a life that didn’t include daily reminders that their mama cries often and is not nearly the woman she once was.

But they don’t.

Instead they check on me, love me and encourage me with text messages and Facebook memes and silly photos.  They listen when I need to download a pile of frustration and disappointment.

They help me remember that life is still happening, even when I wish (in some ways) it wasn’t.

When each one of my children was born I received him or her as a gift from God.  I could not imagine there would be a day when I would treasure them more than I did on that day.

But I do.

I miss Dominic, because he was a gift from God too.


But I will be forever thankful that, at least for now, I have Fiona, James Michael and Julian.

Forced to give one child back, I will never, ever, ever take the ones I have left for granted.



Author: Melanie

I am a shepherd, wife and mother of four amazing children, three that walk the earth with me and one who lives with Jesus. This is a record of my grief journey and a look into the life I didn't choose. If you are interested in joining a community of bereaved parents leaning on the promises of God in Christ, please like the public Facebook page, "Heartache and Hope: Life After Losing a Child" and join the conversation.

6 thoughts on “75 Percent”

  1. I feel the same way❤️ I have 5 living adult children who I love dearly. They have all grown closer since Scott passed away 2 years ago. Sometimes, when we are all together, my emotions are in overdrive– I love them so much and am so thankful we have these great times together……but sometimes the pain in my heart is overwhelming ….. because Scott isn’t there. Sometimes the tears just come……. I can’t help it….. Recently, my daughter told me That they are worried about me because I still cry so much. — although she still misses her brother, her life has gone on and I need to get over it….. I was stunned and am still dumbfounded. I am at a loss for words. She is single with no children.. so maybe she can’t comprehend a mama’s primal love for her children. ……still reeling in Omaha, NE

    Liked by 1 person

    1. One of the things I’m learning about this journey is that although we all lost the same person, we did not lose the same relationship. Each relationship is as unique as the people who were in it. So for us mamas, we have lost an irreplaceable chunk of our hearts, our identities and our understanding of what the world should look like. We are also (at least for ME) at best halfway through life with only certain options ahead of us over which we have control (We are already married-or have been, already through our education years, very likely settleid in a job, community, etc.) So we have a lot of energy, emotion and time invested backwards and we long to see the fruit of that and now we can’t-for at least a part.

      Our adult children are in that same season that was so busy for us when we were there. They are making giant life choices and enjoying a kind of freedom that we don’t have anymore. I think it makes it hard for them sometimes to understand how deeply the loss of their sibling shook and is still shaking our world.

      My children have been worried for me at times too. We are a taking bunch so maybe that helps a little-we lay the feelings out there most of the time so no one is guessing.

      Praying that the Lord gives you the strength you need for each day and that He overwhelms your hurting heart with His love, grace and mercy. ❤


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