I Don’t Cry Every Day Anymore

I’ve never really been much for lots of tears.  

Most of my crying before Dominic ran ahead to heaven consisted of silent tears slipping down my cheeks and onto my chin. Every now and then I would have a good, old-fashioned sob.

But between April 12,2014 and that October or November, I cried every day.  I cried so much I thought surely I would run out of tears.  I cried so much I needed to drink more water to remain hydrated.  

Then it stopped.  

The ache settled deeper into my bones and tears no longer came as an easy outlet for the pain I was feeling.

I still cried a few times a week, but not as long or as loud as those first months.  I could tell (most of the time) what had triggered the tears-a photo, a song, an item his hands had touched, a memory or even a whiff of someone who wore the same cologne walking past in a crowd.

Then THAT stopped.

just because no tears doesnt mean heart doesnt hurt

I got so good at stuffing the immediate emotional response I hardly ever cried anymore.

Except that sometimes-random moments-the heavy lid I keep screwed down tight on all those feelings comes undone.  And I am helpless as the sorrow, missing and horror of child loss creeps up my spine, raises my heart rate and settles as a silent scream at the back of my throat.  

A sob escapes.  The tears flow.  Usually I’m done for that day-left a quivering mass of emotional jello, unable to pack it all up and get on with things.

And that’s OK.

I don’t cry every day anymore, but when I do, it’s a necessary and important part of the healing process.  

I won’t apologize for my tears.  

grief-is-loves-souvenir

 

 

Author: Melanie

I am a shepherd, wife and mother of four amazing children, three that walk the earth with me and one who lives with Jesus. This is a record of my grief journey and a look into the life I didn't choose. If you are interested in joining a community of bereaved parents leaning on the promises of God in Christ, please like the public Facebook page, "Heartache and Hope: Life After Losing a Child" and join the conversation.

3 thoughts on “I Don’t Cry Every Day Anymore”

  1. I totally agree with Kristin.
    Your words comfort me for I know you know my pain.
    I have four children though one is in heaven and I know I will be with him again.
    It has been seven years since my Tim was called home. April 5, 2012.
    It was a car accident….he was 44 and had a young son. I still have bad days like you mentioned and it crushes me. He will always be my baby boy. He was third child, first of my two sons.
    The laugher he carried everywhere and his presence was known. He loved fiercely.
    Thank you for your posts. Some days they literally save me.
    Our family will never be the same again. We are fractured terribly.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Melissa, I just want you to know how much your posts have helped me, have blessed me. When I cannot put into words for sorrow and grief, I open up something you’ve written and there it is so concisely and yet eloquently put down in black and white. I am only about three months into my journey, and I can help but think that I’m standing in this place of less quaking ground today in no small part because of your story and how you’re allowing God to use it, and you. My own Facebook posts are usually just you’re blogs, most often without additional comments. It is an awful ugly hard journey we are on. But I’m thankful you’re sharing your steps.

    Like

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