Why are the photographs of him as a little boy so incredibly hard to look at? Something is over. Now instead of those shiny moments being things we can share together in delighted memories, I, the survivor, have to bear them alone. So it is with all the memories of him. They all lead into blackness. All I can do is remember him, I cannot experience him. Nothing new can happen between us.
~Nicholas Wolterstorff, Lament for a Son
Death is never welcome.
It is always a reminder that I live in a broken world where sickness and time, accidents and sinful choices press the life out of bodies and I am left behind to mourn.
But when people die at a ripe old age, I look back fondly on what they’ve done, where they’ve been, the legacy of work and love and family they leave behind.
No one lives forever.
In the back of my mind I can make room for that fact, even though I don’t like to bring it out and consider it very often. Those that are much older than me will (all things being equal) leave this world before us.
I joined them.
There is part of their lives I know nothing about. And there will be part of mine they will not share.
But my child?
I have known my child since before he entered the light of this world! I felt him in my womb. I experienced who he was before anyone else met him.
I never, ever expected for my life to outlast his!
I always thought there would be new experiences between us, new memories to tuck away, new adventures to look forward to.
Out of order death is unexpected, unnatural, unbelievable.
“Nothing new between us.”
Breaks my heart every time.
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thelifeididntchoose 
It is heartbreaking but I am creating a world with my child and new things. Read a book called Once more we saw stars by Jayson Greene. The title is taking from the last lines of Dante’s Inferno. It is based on a different theory of grieving that proposes an ongoing relationship. Read Continuing Bonds: New Understandings of Grief (Death Education, Aging and Health Care) 1st Edition by Dennis Klass (Editor), Phyllis R. Silverman (Editor), Steven Nickman (Editor). We include Carla in all our activities and decisions. Three glasses of champagne not two. A candle to signify presence, birthday gifts, ongoing conversations, plans for the future, her space in the house, her trinkets and homeware everywhere. Her clothes are in the wardrobe. Plans for our reunion- pictures and poems and literature in a reunion dinner. I will not let my child go. I promised her that. Listen to the beautiful FIND me by Forest Black. Watch the skating to the song by Gabriella Papadakis and Guillaume Cizeron. I’ll be damned if someone will give me something so beautiful and then snatch it away. I will keep her close. Henrietta
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I too feel the pain. I lost my son, he has a son who grieves him every day. I look at my grandson and I see him. I saw a skateboarding video today that looked like him. Do I have 2 kids or 3 like I raised? It is a pain that cannot be soothed. Time lost never to be regained.
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Realizing that there will be more memories made in Heaven brings me great comfort!
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Well said, a true statement only a grieving parent would be able to put into words. The emotion, hurt, constant wondering how they would mature, and who they would be. This haunts me everyday, the “new normal” is lonely without my daughter and true friend! I will push on, I will walk my path and love my Heavenly Father and earthly life. Jordan would’ve wanted it that way.
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Praying you feel the Father’s loving arms around you and that He overwhelms your heart with His grace and mercy. ❤
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The ones for me are the ones that he is with his brothers or sister, being silly with friends. I miss watching him have fun with his siblings. I miss him coming in my room to chat with me about whatever. We all mourn the life he will never have.
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Sweet Melanie,
Well said. You speak my heart. I cannot stay away from Jeff’s photos…but it hurts so. To never laugh and share memories with him, to have “nothing new between us”, it is a dark place. Sending love your way💛💙
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It’s torture. After a 7 month hiatus, I called and made an appointment to see my therapist again. Crying all the time. I hate my life today. Sorry so glum, know I’m understood here.
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