Forgiveness and Healthy Boundaries

I do not believe that in offering genuine forgiveness I am required to again submit myself to another person’s hurtful or sinful behavior.  

I do believe that forgiveness releases that person from past offenses against me but it does not release them to continue to wound my heart.

And I will stand up any time, anywhere and defend my. right to create healthy boundaries between my heart and someone who has proven, time and again, that they intend to do just that.

daring to set boundaries brene brown

What does this look like in real life?

It means that I can call, write or tell someone that I truly forgive them for whatever pain they have caused me in the past.  That frees MY heart.  

But if that person refuses to change his or her behavior, I am not obligated to allow them close enough to hurt me again.

It is NOT proof of an unforgiving heart to set up healthy boundaries.

It is wisdom.

So I don’t have to invite them to every event.  I don’t have to allow them to corner me at gatherings where we both may attend.  I don’t have to tell them all the news in my life or include them in my circle of closest comrades.

I can be polite.  I will refuse to spread malicious gossip about them and not continue to talk about the old wounds for which I’ve forgiven them.

When my heart tries to resurrect the forgiven offenses, I will remind it that those are no longer relevant.  I will not let bitterness overtake me.

There’s a compelling and beautiful anecdote about Corrie Ten Boom and forgiveness: 

After WW II, Corrie traveled Europe speaking on the grace of God found even in Ravensbruck, the concentration camp where she was imprisoned and in which her sister died.

After one such talk, a German man came up to her and mentioned that he had been a guard at that camp.  Corrie recognized him though he, of course, did not recognize her.

He thanked her for what she shared and put out his hand to shake hers.  At that moment, she knew what she SHOULD do, but she did not want to do it.  She did not want to touch this man’s hand and offer forgiveness for what many felt was utterly unforgivable.

But God convicted her heart and in obedience she extended her hand.  She speaks of how she felt the Lord’s love and forgiveness wash over her and flow through her when she acted in obedience.

She never saw him again. 

But for many of us, we continue to see and rub shoulders with the ones who have wounded us. 

And if Corrie had again been forced into a concentration camp, she would not have been wrong to go kicking and screaming. 

Forgiving that German guard did not excuse what he had done nor did it mean that if he was intent on repeating it that she (or anyone else) had to simply go along.

You do not have to allow another person to use you as a punching bag.  You do not have to subject your heart to verbal or emotional abuse.  You do not have to prove the sincerity of your forgiveness by enabling continued bad behavior.

forgiveness is not forgetting

That’s neither wise nor helpful.

Boundaries are OK.

They are necessary.

And they do not mean you haven’t forgiven someone. 

Author: Melanie

I am a shepherd, wife and mother of four amazing children, three that walk the earth with me and one who lives with Jesus. This is a record of my grief journey and a look into the life I didn't choose. If you are interested in joining a community of bereaved parents leaning on the promises of God in Christ, please like the public Facebook page, "Heartache and Hope: Life After Losing a Child" and join the conversation.

4 thoughts on “Forgiveness and Healthy Boundaries”

  1. Thank you. This is powerful. And such an important reminder. I can forgive WITHOUT reconciling the relationship. Forgiveness does not equal reconciliation.

    I can forgive, truly forgive, and no longer desire a relationship with that party. There is no trust there. There is no basis for a relationship. But I harbor no bitterness. ( Anytime it comes up, I tell my heart this has been dealt with, and there is no vacancy. No rooms available in my heart for bitterness.). Harboring bitterness means It is anchored and secure.

    I have heard so many lessons on true forgiveness = restoration of relationships. There are some relationships worth reconciliation. Especially if there is sincere remorse and regret Demonstrated. However scripture also teaches that we can Forgive and walk away. Brush the dust off your feet and move on.

    Thank you for your clarity.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m working on this one. It’s the reminding myself “not to let bitterness overtake me,” that I struggle with.
    There were lots of factors surrounding Luke’s death by suicide which strecthed back years. Traceable events, involving others which led to a catastrophic end.

    I know that each and every one of our sins are already forgiven because Christ died for us. I can only ask Him that He helps me in my struggle not to resurrect these hurts.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I suspect that if we are honest, everyone struggles with this one. One blessing of grief brain has been that I truly forget so many of the petty things I used to remember. But deep hurts-well, that’s an entirely different matter. I am so sorry that you have those things tangled up in your son’s death. That is an extra burden to bear. Praying that the Lord gives you sufficient grace to give that over to Him. I know it’s hard. I am so, so sorry. ❤


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