When Sleep Won’t Fix It

I learned early on to make do on less sleep than I really need.

Four children in six years will do that to you.

dominic and siblings little children at nannys

It’s not that I have a physical need for sleep these days-although there are many nights when sleep eludes me.

It’s more that I am soul weary. 

Worn down in ways that sleep won’t touch.  Frayed and frazzled and falling down tired.

I wake up hopeful every morning.  “Today is going to be a productive, encouraging day!”

Sometimes I make it as far as lunchtime before fatigue sets in and overwhelms my good intentions.

I wish it were just a matter of extra shut eye!  I wish I could crawl up in the bed for 24 hours and wake refreshed, renewed and ready to go.

But I can’t.

Sleep won’t fix what’s wrong with me.

It can help.

If I’m physically drained in addition to emotionally exhausted then that’s never a good thing.  My fuse is shorter by the minute when my body is crying for rest.

sleep night terrors

Lack of sunlight, gray days and added stress from holiday preparations and obligations deepens the weariness in my bones.  I feel guilty sometimes because I know my life is still full of many blessings.  I really, truly do NOT take them for granted.  (How could I when I know how quickly and unexpectedly they can be gone?)

Still, all the blessings in the world can’t undo this exhaustion.

I’m well aware that discouragement begets discouragement and try so very hard to strive against it.  But in the end, I’m not sure I’m successful.

When I say to someone, “I’m so very tired!” they nearly always suggest a nap.  Trust me, if a nap would erase this soul weariness, I’d take one every single day.

But it doesn’t, so I don’t.

Instead I go outside and breathe some fresh air, make a cup of hot tea and sit down with a good book, or just sit down and watch the Christmas lights or a candle with my cat in my lap.

hand-coffee-roosevelt

That seems to help. 

It resets my focus and refuels my soul.

Night closes in and I find I’ve made it through another day.  <3

glowing candles huff post

 

 

Author: Melanie

I am a shepherd, wife and mother of four amazing children, three that walk the earth with me and one who lives with Jesus. This is a record of my grief journey and a look into the life I didn't choose. If you are interested in joining a community of bereaved parents leaning on the promises of God in Christ, please like the public Facebook page, "Heartache and Hope: Life After Losing a Child" and join the conversation.

8 thoughts on “When Sleep Won’t Fix It”

  1. IAM sorry to hear that. IAM a mother to three kids two that walk the earth and one in heaven. My middle child was 19yr old when he was murdered in cold blood. I feel ur pain. I still think it’s a dream. I sometimes can’t believe it’s true that he is really gone.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am so very sorry for your pain and your loss! Praying that the Lord wraps HIs loving arms around you and that He overwhelms your hurting heart with His grace and mercy. ❤

      Like

  2. Rest doesn’t always mean sleep, as you just stated. But I have noticed that women sleep less as they age. My wife blames hot flashes on her poor sleeping habits. Early years were the children. Sleep eluded me for only a few weeks after Amanda passed. I sleep well most of the time. Only when my chronic health problems surface does my sleep quality drop. But I’ve found as you have, other things can help me rest. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think you are right about women and sleep. Part of my sleep disruption is due to chronic pain as well so I’m not sure how much is grief and how much is pain. Either way, it seems I need less sleep and more restful waking moments.

      Liked by 1 person

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