I learned early on to make do on less sleep than I really need.
Four children in six years will do that to you.
It’s not that I have a physical need for sleep these days-although there are many nights when sleep eludes me.
It’s more that I am soul weary.
Worn down in ways that sleep won’t touch. Frayed and frazzled and falling down tired.
I wake up hopeful every morning. “Today is going to be a productive, encouraging day!”
Sometimes I make it as far as lunchtime before fatigue sets in and overwhelms my good intentions.
I wish it were just a matter of extra shut eye! I wish I could crawl up in the bed for 24 hours and wake refreshed, renewed and ready to go.
But I can’t.
Sleep won’t fix what’s wrong with me.
It can help.
If I’m physically drained in addition to emotionally exhausted then that’s never a good thing. My fuse is shorter by the minute when my body is crying for rest.
Lack of sunlight, gray days and added stress from holiday preparations and obligations deepens the weariness in my bones. I feel guilty sometimes because I know my life is still full of many blessings. I really, truly do NOT take them for granted. (How could I when I know how quickly and unexpectedly they can be gone?)
Still, all the blessings in the world can’t undo this exhaustion.
I’m well aware that discouragement begets discouragement and try so very hard to strive against it. But in the end, I’m not sure I’m successful.
When I say to someone, “I’m so very tired!” they nearly always suggest a nap. Trust me, if a nap would erase this soul weariness, I’d take one every single day.
But it doesn’t, so I don’t.
Instead I go outside and breathe some fresh air, make a cup of hot tea and sit down with a good book, or just sit down and watch the Christmas lights or a candle with my cat in my lap.
That seems to help.
It resets my focus and refuels my soul.
Night closes in and I find I’ve made it through another day. <3
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thelifeididntchoose 
IAM sorry to hear that. IAM a mother to three kids two that walk the earth and one in heaven. My middle child was 19yr old when he was murdered in cold blood. I feel ur pain. I still think it’s a dream. I sometimes can’t believe it’s true that he is really gone.
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I am so very sorry for your pain and your loss! Praying that the Lord wraps HIs loving arms around you and that He overwhelms your hurting heart with His grace and mercy. ❤
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Thank you for your words that bring meaning and clarity to my grief journey. I lost my son to suicide. I lost my Blake, my positive, compassionate, caring, successful, 32 year old SMsgt in the Air Force, who walked away from God at 16. Thankfully God has shown me that Blake is with Him and I know while he was in a coma, Blake rededicated himself to Jesus and was granted grace and mercy. He was more of a Godly person than most who claim to be Christians. When you say your son, Dom, when ahead to heaven, not all moms have that knowledge. Not knowing may be the cause of so many mom’s deepest fears, regrets and lack of trust and faith in God at this point. I have been to counseling, grief recovery groups and yet find myself taking two steps forward and 3 steps back. It will be 6 years in June. When I try to do the work, I slip further into my grief and depression because I have to face it. Maybe I haven’t found the right counselor or I’m just lazy and don’t do what I really need to do. I will keep going because I can’t and won’t be responsible for causing those I care about this much pain. I feel like I need someone to walk through this with me to get to the other side — to help me do the work. Hopefully I will have a breakthrough soon. Again, thank you for allowing God to use you to help grieving moms.
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This so resonates with me Melanie, oh what relief we will find when we finally rest in His arms. Until then soldier on dear heart ❤
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You too! I appreciate your faithfulness in commenting and encouraging me. ❤
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Every. Word. You. Write. Every. Post … helps me feel less alone … less like I am going crazy … Thank you, Melanie💙
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I’m so sorry that you share this pain but thankful the posts help your heart hold on. You are most definitely NOT alone, dear one. Not. at. all. ❤
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Rest doesn’t always mean sleep, as you just stated. But I have noticed that women sleep less as they age. My wife blames hot flashes on her poor sleeping habits. Early years were the children. Sleep eluded me for only a few weeks after Amanda passed. I sleep well most of the time. Only when my chronic health problems surface does my sleep quality drop. But I’ve found as you have, other things can help me rest. Hugs.
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I think you are right about women and sleep. Part of my sleep disruption is due to chronic pain as well so I’m not sure how much is grief and how much is pain. Either way, it seems I need less sleep and more restful waking moments.
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