I already struggled with the sense that I was rarely able to meet everyone’s expectations before Dominic ran ahead to Heaven.
That’s been multiplied by a factor of at least 100 since then.
For those of you who are so self-confident or blissfully unaware, it won’t make sense but for those of you who are firstborns or “Type A” personalities you know exactly what I mean.
I cannot ignore the gap between what people need from me and what I’m able to give.
My internal dialogue is a combination of self-condemnation and pep talks to “do better”, “try harder” and “don’t give up or give in”.
But no matter how hard I try, it’s never enough.
And I need to let go of that. I need to let myself off the hook. I need to admit that some people’s expectations are unrealistic or self-serving.
But it is so. very. hard.
I have had an invisible disease for a decade that saps my energy, circumscribes my ability to do daily tasks and gifts me with chronic pain. Yet I tend to discount the impact it has on my life and try to ignore the fact it makes every. single thing more difficult.
It will be five years in April that Dominic left us. FIVE YEARS! I can barely type that. I don’t even know what to do with it.
A lifetime ago and a breath away all at the same time.
I feel like I am giving everything I have to my family, to my friends and to other folks that count on me to show up. So often it’s not enough. So often I fall short. So often I go to bed shaking my head and hoping that tomorrow is a better day and I’m a better person.
I try so hard to be brave.
Sometimes I simply can’t conjure courage.
But I keep showing up. ❤