Meltdown

One of the blessings (although I didn’t realize it at the time) of the early days of this journey was the immediacy of my response to triggers.

Something would upset me and I would react right away.

Nearly five years in and I’ve developed such excellent coping skills that I am rarely caught off guard, cry in public or respond dramatically regardless of what happens.

So this past couple weeks of on again/off again stress has been met, for the most part, with a calm demeanor and a “can do” attitude.

But it caught up to me last night.

All the pent-up, piled-up stress and grief poured out of my heart and dripped down my face.

I had a good, old-fashioned meltdown.  

meltdown

Smack dab in the middle of overwhelming thankfulness that my grandson is doing well, my heart reminded me that Dominic is not here the enjoy it.  I remembered that Ryker will grow up and never see Dom’s amazing dexterity on the drums or hear his witty remarks or be caught up in his powerful hands and held overhead until he squeals to be released.

And I realized once again that while I love, love, love the blessings God sends my way, there’s no cosmic scale where those blessings eventually counter-balance the desperate longing I have for my son.  

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I have so appreciated the messages from other bereaved parents who “get it”.  They know that I am absolutely overjoyed my son and his wife are spared the horror of child loss.  But they also know that my mama heart still yearns for my own son even while rejoicing in the birth of theirs.

I’ll be OK.  

A few tears, a quiet evening, reflection on truth and my heart will manage to find a way.  

just because no tears doesnt mean heart doesnt hurt

 

 

Author: Melanie

I am a shepherd, wife and mother of four amazing children, three that walk the earth with me and one who lives with Jesus. This is a record of my grief journey and a look into the life I didn't choose. If you are interested in joining a community of bereaved parents leaning on the promises of God in Christ, please like the public Facebook page, "Heartache and Hope: Life After Losing a Child" and join the conversation.

16 thoughts on “Meltdown”

  2. So glad to hear Ryker is progressing…he would have adored his uncle, I’m sure. I think about it all the times me, my Jeff would have had a blast with nieces and nephews. Sending love and understanding your way💙💛

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  3. I am so happy that your grandson is doing better. I think the extreme sense of awe and the love for your grandson may feel so familiar because that’s the love you have for your son, too. Same tug at your heartstrings……
    My 2 grandsons DID get to know my Lucy for years. They were 11 and 7 when she died at age 23. They remember her but they hardly ever even mention her. I just keep dropping her name in casual conversations………

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  4. Wow, this definitely hit home with me this week too. I had to take yesterday off because of it all catching up. My daughter is getting married in six weeks roughly and her big brother won’t be there to celebrate, I learned I may have to move unexpectedly, the wedding costs that I thought would come next month are this month, etc. So yesterday, it finally hit. I couldn’t move out of bed. Then after spending a day totally shut down in my house, I fell last night in the middle of the night. I need to just move on from this week….hoping for better weeks to come. 🙂

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  7. Anyone with info for me 2 years since I lost my daughter and father took my grandson have been fighting court to get him back home Father was never involved with this child tell he was getting my daughter social security Check .Grandson never wants to go with any of the family that picks him up I have some visitation but he has came to me with bruises and has night mares when he is here.My Home is the only home he knows this man had 6 kid all by multable women I’m in Texas and could use any info to get my baby home safe spent several thousand in attorney fee and grandson is my world please help us with any info thanks

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      1. Our grandchildren to our second son were born before Luke died. I see so much of him in the eldest one, it’s wonderful but heartbreaking all in one fell swoop.
        Ryker will be a joy to you all xxx

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