So often we think of prayer as words.
But prayer can be a heart cry too deep for words.
It can be a groaning soul, longing for release.
That has been the prayer I offer most often this side of child loss, “Please God, please, please, please! Send grace and have mercy! Help me hold on to hope and make it Home!”
As I’m caught in the current of the days leading up to the anniversary of Dominic’s running ahead, my mouth grows silent and my heart louder. My world circles smaller and eternity looms larger.
I don’t have to think about prayer.
I breathe it.
My heart beats it.
Unceasing, persistent, continuous prayer.
There is a different kind of prayer without ceasing; it is longing. Whatever you may be doing, if you long for the day of everlasting rest do not cease praying. If you do not wish to cease praying, then do not cease your longing. Your persistent longing is your persistent voice. But when love grows cold, the heart grows silent. Burning love is the outcry of the heart! If you are filled with longing all the time, you will keep crying out, and if your love perseveres, your cry will be heard without fail.
~St Augustine
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I am haunted by the fact that I did not pray once the time my daughter was on life support. Months later I realised this. I caught up in utter disbelief that someone so lovely and wonderful could be taken from me. I was literally dumbstruck. Your post has made me feel such peace. Thanks you dear
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Melanie, I have been reading your posts and they are very helpful to me in my journey of losing my only child, Kaitlyn at 8 years old. I cant get over it. Its been a year and a half and the pain and bleakness of my future is ever looming. I tried to get disability due to severe depression and ptsd and was just denied. Working with other people, even going to the grocery store is so hard. Any advice, please? And thank you for pouring your heart out to those of us following you along in this shitty journey.
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I am a reader of Melanie’s posts and dear Jennifer, I feel the pain in your words. We hurt so bad and want someone to help us stop the pain of grief. But it is doing its work in you. If you can allow it just to be, it will soften as time passes. Grief changes and does soften. I know how desperately you want Kaitlyn back, That thought is the only one your heart can hold right now and it hurts. We don’t move on and life does keep moving us forward and eventually love of our child becomes the thrum of music always playing in our hearts and in our dreams, to quote Melanie – but the pain does lessen then. You may not believe it now or even want to believe it now But I think that is part of what God does for us in our sorrow… shows us that we can still have life even if it’s not the one we would have chosen.
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God is His infinite wisdom has sent us the Holy Spirit to intercede for us when we are incapable of articulating our most heartfelt and desperate prayers. We can count on this. Romans 8:26 “In the same way, the Spirit too comes to the aid of our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but the Spirit itself intercedes with inexpressible groanings.”
Praise be to God.
May the peace and love of Jesus Christ continue to hold you all close in this earthly journey until we are all reunited with our children in Heaven.
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My prayers have mostly vanished. When I do pray, they seem so feeble and understated. The warrior within me has been defeated. Bear hugs.
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This is so beautiful. It encourages my heart to keep praying. Grace and peace to you as you approach the anniversary of Dominic’s passing. I’m so very sorry for your great loss. You will be in my heart……..my prayers.
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“A groaning soul” and “loud heart” feels like all I can manage most days, even when I’m on an even keel. Hoping feeble my prayers will heard.
Peace be with you Melanie ❤
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I have every confidence they are. ❤️
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