For the first couple of weeks after Dominic left us, I couldn’t fall asleep.
It was impossible to close my eyes without a dozen awful scenes flashing behind the lids.
Silent darkness was not my friend.
Eventually exhaustion won and I could fall asleep but couldn’t stay asleep. Two or three hours in and my body had just enough rest to shake slumber and force my heart to face another day (even if the sun wasn’t up yet).
Somewhere around year three I finally settled into a pretty regular pattern of between five and six hours of solid sleep.
But for the past several months I’ve lost the rhythm and am once again struggling.
Lots of changes, lots of stress, lots of physical discomfort and lots of lists floating in my head have landed me back in sleepless territory.
I wish there was a switch I could flip that made it easy to fall and stay asleep. I wish there was a way to stop stray thoughts from invading my consciousness and my dreams. I wish I could have a solid week of solid sleep.
I know it would make everything so much easier to manage.
I’d be calmer, more focused, more energetic and more optimistic.
But it’s a vicious cycle.
I’m hoping long days of hard work in the summer sun will shift my body back to a better rhythm.
Maybe.
Eventually.
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thelifeididntchoose 
Recently, I have experienced “renewed” insomnia. It’s been 14 months since I lost my 12 year old daughter tragically. I relate to your shared experience and most all the others that have shared same. Life now – a daily and nightly challenge to find that one thought that can give us peace and comfort and sweet slumber. As best I can, I try to stay focused on peace and love that was ever present within my daughter Lana.
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I have always been able to stay asleep but my brain doesn’t want to go to sleep and I postpone it as long as I can until I fall asleep against my will. For me, it is the unknown of what tomorrow holds that has caused PTSD around actually letting myself fall asleep. Every new day was reliving the same horrid news over and over and 5 years later it is much the same. I rarely dream or remember dreams so I wonder how sound I sleep. I am always exhausted.
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I have to sleep with the TV on or thoughts of finding my son dead pour into my brain. I only need a murmur of voices to distract me. I sleep 4 or 5 hours at the most a d I’m always exhausted. Ambien and melatonin give me nightmares. It’s a hard life without enough sleep.
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nice to read this after a poor nights sleep! i can totally relate. could never get thru a night without ambien💜
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I too, struggle every night with getting a solid night’s rest…. I can fall asleep, because of exhaustion….. but sleeping through the night is extremely rare. ( I work 50 hours a week as an engaged, encouraging teacher, while carrying a painfully shattered heart——so I’m wiped out)…When I do awaken (between 3-4) my heart beat increases, perspiration covers my chest, and a dark, heavy, almost unshakable gloom fills my chest…..It’s been 5 1/2 years of brain fog and heartbreak. Family, friends, and doctors have suggestions, but nothing will bring my Claire back to Earth.
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Illusive sleep!
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