I realize not every parent enters child loss with the same reverence for Scripture and trust in the promises of God that I had when Dominic left us.
So it may be hard for your heart to believe the words we’ve been reading and studying this month. It may be near impossible for you to feel that God is a good Father, that He has not abandoned you and that He has a purpose and plan for your life, even here in this awful Valley.
If you’ve read this blog for any length of time, you know that while I still have faith, it’s a tested faith. I have dragged every single thing I believed before Dominic ran ahead to Heaven, held it up and scrutinized it in the cold light of loss.
Some things I don’t clutch so tightly anymore. Many things I wouldn’t spend five minutes defending anymore. But there are absolute, rock-solid, foundational truths that I will declare with my dying breath.
The character of God is flawless. His ways are holy and good. He will not allow the enemy of my soul to have the last word. Death is (ultimately) defeated and victory is sure.
When I was on my face in mourning, when dust was my food and bitter tears were my drink, these are the promises that breathed life back into my broken heart.
Psalm 119: 49-50 AMP
Remember [always] the word and promise to Your servant,
In which You have made me hope.
50
This is my comfort in my affliction,
That Your word has revived me and given me life.
When people in the Bible asked God to “remember” it wasn’t that they thought He forgot. It was a way of reciting truth to their own hearts and praying God’s words back to Him.
So when I was just on the other side of the awful news but past Dom’s service and all the people and activities surrounding it, I began most days in my journal with something similar.
I would write out a verse confirming God’s promises to me and my family. I would make it personal-put our names in it- and pray it back to Him. The more I did that, the more my spirit was revived. The more my spirit came back to life, the more I was able to listen to and hear from Him.
It’s a slow, slow process.
The blow is sudden, severe and debilitating (no matter how your child left this earth).
Recovery cannot be rushed along.
I feel most days like I’m still receiving hope and life in drips and dribbles.
But the more I focus my mind’s attention and my heart’s affection on God’s sure promises, the more alive I feel.
And one day I’ll be fully alive-as Dominic is right now- dancing, laughing, singing to the tune of millions of rejoicing voices.
Until then, I’ll keep pointing my heart in the right direction.
My own plans are made. While I can, I sail east in the Dawn Treader. When she fails me, I paddle east in my coracle. When she sinks, I shall swim east with my four paws. And when I can swim no longer, if I have not reached Aslan’s country, or shot over the edge of the world into some vast cataract, I shall sink with my nose to the sunrise. ~Reepicheep
C.S. Lewis, Voyage of the Dawn Treader
QUESTIONS:
- Do you have hope? Why or why not?
- Do you think you can influence whether or not hope lives in your heart? Why or why not?
- What do you do each day to feed hope in your heart?
- If you are new on this journey of loss, you may be certain you will never feel alive again. You may think you will never feel hope or joy or anything besides sorrow again. I promise that if you will let the words of God sink in, if you will take your heartache to Him and allow Him to touch the broken places, you will begin to revive. How do Reepicheep’s words speak to you today?
- If you are farther along the road of loss, record some specific moments when you felt God met you and breathed life into your spirit.
PRAYER:
Lord,
Truth is that all life comes from You. There is nowhere else to turn but to Your face, Your hand, Your heart. Part of me wants to give up and give in. I want to be rid of this pain, this heartache, this sorrow and unrelenting despair. But I know You have a purpose and plan for me even here, even now.
Help me choose to make space for Your word and Your love to penetrate my heart. Help me offer up my broken bits to You and wait patiently for You to weave them back together into something beautiful.
When I have nothing left, touch me. When I give up, encourage me. When I can’t see the light for the darkness, shine on me.
Amen
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thelifeididntchoose 
I don’t know if this will help anyone or not…I too have a hard time reading or concentrating. I thought I had a solid Faith but that has been shaken and examined as you describe! Those days when I cannot read, I have my Bible laying open and I simply lay my hand on His promises. He has lifted me and carried me simply through touching His word…
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For many of us, child loss has resulted in feeling a “disconnect” with God. I believe His promise remains true, but opening a bible or turning to scripture escapes me these days. I will be glad when the month ends and the scripture challenge comes to an end……& I can once again soak up your heartfelt description of child loss, along with your practical advice. Your email is the first thing I look for every morning. It is the light that chases away some of the grief associated with death of a child by suicide.
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I too feel a little like Ryasmama but I have gained so much this month.
As I haven’t done the journaling part of the challenge, I have put off reading your blog every morning but then done three or four days all in one. I have selfishly been shying away from it but recognise it really has come at the right time for me.
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❤
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I understand. I am so, so sorry for this deep pain. I am actually planning to end the challenge a few days early because the last set of scriptures really should be taken as a whole. Until then, you can find other posts not focused on Scripture on my personal Facebook page where they are always set to “public”. ❤
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