I remember the moment I realized I was going to have to summarize my son’s life into a few, relatively short paragraphs to be read by friends, family and strangers.
It seemed impossible.
But as the designated author of our family I had to do it so I did.
Today I wrote my mama’s obituary and though her death was not as surprising as Dominic’s it was just as hard to swallow.
Mama suffered a stroke a few days ago and along with her other health problems the prognosis wasn’t good. So our family gathered, said what needed to be said to one another and to her and settled in to wait and see if her will to live could overcome the odds.
It didn’t.
She breathed her last in this world, fell asleep and woke up in Heaven at 1:45 am Friday morning.
I like to think that just after she saw Jesus she ran on to hug Dominic and her own sweet mama she’s been missing for seventy-one years.
I don’t know why I thought saying good-bye to my mama would be any easier than saying good-bye to my son.
It wasn’t.
Ain’t nothing easy about death.
Ain’t nothing easy about walking away from a hospital room or a morgue or an accident site knowing that whatever wasn’t said will never be said. Nothing easy about facing final arrangements, making phone calls, writing obituaries, finding photos for a slide show, wrapping up a life into a few words and a few songs and a few pictures.
My heart is used to the dull thumping pain of sorrow.
It’s grown accustomed to setting aside despair and doing what has to be done.
I know how to forge ahead and keep living and plan as if my world hasn’t imploded, making calendars and clocks and seasons and holidays irrelevant.
I’m sad today.
And I am all too aware that today’s sadness is small compared to what’s coming.
I’ll survive.
Compared to watching my son’s body lowered beneath the ground, watching my mama’s earthly shell lowered is easier.
She lived a beautiful, full and long life.
Still, there’s no way for the little girl inside this middle-aged woman to reconcile the fact that the world she inhabits no longer includes a mama she can touch.
I rejoice she’s safe and whole and pain free.
But I miss her. ❤
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thelifeididntchoose 
I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. A year as you know is not along time. My mother is 92 and fairly healthy. She has said several times, why didn’t God take me Instead of Steven (34). I’ve lived a long life and I don’t even know why I’m still here. For me mom for me 💜
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What a precious gift your mama is to your heart! I’m so thankful you have her. ❤
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I’m sorry for the loss of your Mother. I am happy that you had that family time recently with her great grand baby. We are never ready to say goodbye to our mothers. I grieve with you and pray that God will comfort you and give you peace.
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I am so sorry about your momma. I lost mine 18 years ago before we ever got a chance to see her again. 15 years later, little did we know we would have to bury our only beautiful daughter. the pain does not compare. I so enjoy your blogs and I will lift your family in prayer!
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I am so sorry for your heartache Melanie…..the pain of not having our mamas aroind us remains deep in our hearts forever. No matter how old we are when they leave us behind. ❤❤❤
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Pamela, I too lost my son to suicide. It is a pain that is unimaginable. I truly believe our Son’s are with the Lord….and we
will see them again one
day. Hugs and love to you.
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I’m so very sorry to hear of the loss of your mom…love and hugs to you and your family.
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Hugs, Melanie. My mom died three years after Jason died – as with you, one more-or-less expected (mom) and one totally unexpected (Jason). Death is never easy, but the knowledge that they have gone ahead and that we will one day see them is our never-ending hope.
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Oh Melanie…even in your pain, you share hope & joy….I am sorry to hear of your loss of your dear Mom. We have been blessed to always have Mom in this life,-she has always been there. Lifting you, your Dad, & Family up in prayer, Having experienced both “pains”, the suicide of my son gnaws at my heart more than the loss of my dear Mom. But our loss is Heaven’s gain…though I still wrestle with ‘where’ my son is…there is no comfort in suicide survivorship…💔
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I appreciate your words and your heart. I Pray for the Lords peace. Some day soon….one day sooner…
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I’m so sorry to hear the news of your mother. Praying that God surrounds you and your family with special people that help and bring you comfort.💕
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That’s for sure. Before child loss, death wasn’t so hard. Death is all hard now.
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I am so sorry my mom died of a brain bleed, the next month my daughter had surgery found out she had cancer and died 18 months later. One month after we buried our precious daughter, my husband’s mom died. I pray that both of our mothers are taking care of our daughter, their sweet granddaughter. 💔
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Dear Melanie,
It is hard, so hard. My dear mama who was so close to my son died 6 months after him. I miss her so. We are blessed to have close relationships with our mommas but I so miss talking with her. Sending you love and prayers from CA💙💛
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I am so sorry, Melanie. My mom died before my daughter. Regardless, our dads are left alone, widowers. The duty, responsibility and privilege to step up and become the person they can lean on, becomes ours. I know that is part of growing older, but I’m still not ready or prepared. I will be continuing prayers for you and your family. God be with you.
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My deepest sympathies to you and your family. May God wrap his arms around you all and your memories be a great source of comfort to you. It is not easy losing any loved one…..no matter their age. Hugs and love. Katherine
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I am so very sorry to learn of your mother’s death. It is, as you say, “hard for the little girl inside the middle age woman to reconcile” a world in which a mama no longer is here on earth, to hug, to talk to. You are so right – there is nothing easy about death, ever. I will be praying for you and your family, as I always do, but praying for God’s peace to surround and sustain you and your father now and in these days to come.
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