Things I Wish I’d Known

I’ve written before that I am oh, so thankful I had NO IDEA Dominic would leave us that early April morning in 2014.

It would have cast an awful shadow over all those years we were blessed with his presence.

But there are some things I wish I’d known.

I wish I had known how hard it is to conjure up his voice now that it’s been nearly six years since I heard it.

I would have taken more short videos, just to have his laugh, his sarcasm, his deep mellow “Hey!” handy on my phone for the moments when I long to hear it. I wouldn’t have erased the backlog of recorded messages on the landline just one day earlier.

I wish I had known there were so few photographs of us together.

I would have gotten over myself much sooner and stuck my fat bottom in every shot my family begged me to take. I would have made certain there was at least one of him and me on each birthday, at special occasions and when he graduated high school and college. I was always the one taking them, organizing something or just to self-conscious to be in the picture.

I wish I had saved more cards, notes and random bits of flotsam from over the years with his words, his handwriting, his childish drawings.

Just a month before he left us, I cleaned out two decades of home schooling records and carelessly tossed so many bits of him into the bed of my truck, hauling it to the dump. Back then it felt like I was unburdening myself of too much paper and too many frivolous memories. Now it feels like an incalculable loss.

I would have listened more often to the wonderful sound of his drums banging away upstairs.

I took a walk most afternoons and Dominic timed his practice for when I was out of the house because it was so very loud. It was considerate and kind. And I DID get to hear him through the windows as I made my rounds but I really, really wish I’d just stopped and fully appreciated his talent.

I could list so many more ways I’d have arranged life differently-if I had KNOWN.

But I didn’t.

So I make my way through another spring, remembering, remembering, remembering.

Always hungry for more.

Author: Melanie

I am a shepherd, wife and mother of four amazing children, three that walk the earth with me and one who lives with Jesus. This is a record of my grief journey and a look into the life I didn't choose. If you are interested in joining a community of bereaved parents leaning on the promises of God in Christ, please like the public Facebook page, "Heartache and Hope: Life After Losing a Child" and join the conversation.

9 thoughts on “Things I Wish I’d Known”

  1. If I had only known, maybe he would still be here living his life that he so loved. Everyone that knew him loved him and are forever changed by all of his love he gave so unconditionally. Maybe if i had known, i could have prevented him from leaving that tragic night last summer when his life was cut short in a horrific car crash. I am broken , I only wish i had known.

    Thank you for sharing your journey.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. All of those “things” that we thought were just taking up space… I have no idea where the video recordings I took so often when Patrick was little ever disappeared to. Perhaps his father has them, if that’s the case I’ll never see them again. We had a very early BETA video camera and that type fizzled out and was replaced but where are the tapes? I agree with not having many photos of the two of us, especially as he got older. Patrick was also a text message guy and I was notorious for not letting them take up space on my phone, I’m so glad I saved the last one he sent me just days before he died.
    I miss him with every beat of my heart 💙☘️💛⚾️

    Liked by 1 person

  3. It’s been 27 months since the last time I heard Luke’s voice…I wish I had voicemails from him, but he was a text message kinda kid (Just days before his 22nd birthday)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Tricia, ask his friends if they have any videos of your son. My sons friends sent me short videos where I can hear my Connor’s great laugh and my daughter found something he posted on Instagram so I can hear his voice. I treasure them and listen often but would have not found them myself, the kids their age know where to look. Hope you can find one

      Like

  4. Yes there’s that deep, deep sadness there when we think of all the things we wish we had savoured more.

    But some things can’t be savoured……oh how I hate but can’t part with Luke’s last written message.

    “Always hungry for more.” Too sad to bear at times.

    Bless you Melaine for your courage in putting into words the thoughts that mercilessly writh though our grieving parents minds.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Dear Melanie,

    Dominic is so handsome. No words how sorry I am for your loss.

    I lost my son Ryan 6 years ago at 32.

    Your posts have helped me so much.

    Thank you for helping us mom’s that have lost our precious child.

    With profound gratitude and love, Denise Ryan’s Mom

    On Wed, Mar 11, 2020 at 10:17 PM thelifeididntchoose wrote:

    > Melanie posted: ” I’ve written before that I am oh, so thankful I had NO > IDEA Dominic would leave us that early April morning in 2014. It would have > cast an awful shadow over all those years we were blessed with his > presence. But there are some things I wish I’d” >

    Liked by 1 person

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