Birthdays and Wakeful Nights

Today my heart hurts more than usual.

It’s my mama’s birthday-the third one we will celebrate without her here to blow out the candles.

It’s also the third anniversary (do you call it that?) of the day Papa had to call an ambulance to rush her to the hospital.

She never came home.

Our last visit just a couple of weeks before Mama’s stroke. All the grandmas and Ryker.

These past two years have been hard. Mama’s death plunged me back into deep grief for her and for Dominic. It tapped the wound that had begun to scar over a bit and the feelings I’d learned to push down bubbled back to the surface.

I’ve just now begun to sleep through the night again most nights. For much of the past two years I’ve been waking two or three times in the dark to vividly awful dreams-my family in peril and no way to help them is the theme over and over and over.

I know other motherless daughters.

Somehow knowing Mama isn’t available on the other end of the phone or sitting in her chair, waiting for me to come through the door at the farm, makes me supremely vulnerable.

One less generation between me and whatever the world might throw at me.

I know she is healthy and whole, happy and full of joy in Heaven. I know she’s reunited with her own mama, her siblings and Dominic.

On good days, that’s enough to make the missing bearable.

But on days like today, when we should be celebrating another year together but can’t, it doesn’t help all that much.

I miss her.

I miss Dominic.

I miss the me that used to be ignorant of what death steals from the living.

Happy Birthday in Heaven, Mama. We’ll be there soon. ❤

Author: Melanie

I am a shepherd, wife and mother of four amazing children, three that walk the earth with me and one who lives with Jesus. This is a record of my grief journey and a look into the life I didn't choose. If you are interested in joining a community of bereaved parents leaning on the promises of God in Christ, please like the public Facebook page, "Heartache and Hope: Life After Losing a Child" and join the conversation.

7 thoughts on “Birthdays and Wakeful Nights”

  1. I feel your pain my sweet one. I, too, lost my only son Daniel on April 11, 2019. My mother came to Florida to live with me 5 years ago because she couldn’t take care of herself anymore. She has been I and out of the hospital many times. She has stage 3 kidney disease and may have colon cancer. I’m so afraid of what will happen to me when she passes. Honestly, I don’t think I will survive. Prayers, love and light to you.


  2. My moms Wake was yesterday. The pain of facing this new death, even though it’s in proper order, has ripped off my brokenness bandaid!!!!
    My 25 year old son went ahead 22 months ago. My dad went ahead 3 months before my son. This weight of grief feels too big sometimes!!! Like you said, she is now her best self ever with the Lord and her dear loved ones.
    Some moments I wonder who am I even crying for right now…. Because all my tears bring me back to my pain of my son.


  3. Sending much love and light to you. Your posts always helps me feel I am not alone. It hurts to hear your hurt, but your positivity, and fatih, your determination and grit, also gives me strength and hope that help sustain me on my sad and long journey. (Lana Carlos’ Dad- Les)


  4. Yes – even when they were failing they were always that shield between us and the outside world, weren’t they? How hard it is when we are left so vulnerable.

    I don’t know how on earth my mother would have been when Luke died, she been gone twenty seven of his thirty years. She would have been there to comfort him when he arrived and I am glad but oh how I could have done with her here.

    Sending love across the ocean dear friend ❤


  5. I lost my mother 6 years ago and because of her failing health and suffering her death was different. I more than miss her but knowing she is healed and whole again after a long life made her homecoming “easier”? But it is different with the loss of my son. He was 35 happily married with 2 baby boys. So much future ahead of him! That pain is so deep I will never heal and never fully understand the why of it all.

    Liked by 1 person

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