After screaming, “Oh no! Oh no!” the next words out of my mouth were, “Why? Why MY son?”
Nearly three and a half years later I have yet to receive an answer.
And I don’t expect to get one this side of heaven although every fiber of my being continues to cry out for some kind of explanation.
But, really, what answer would ever satisfy my mama heart?
Even if God allowed me to see everything He is weaving together through my sorrow and pain how could I embrace it as fully as I embraced the little baby laid in my arms over 27 years ago? My flesh would continue to yearn for the physical presence of my son, my soul would continue to mourn his too-soon (from my perspective) departure from this mortal life.
I am convinced that the only answer that will be enough is Jesus Himself.
When I meet Him face-to-face, my fears, my questions, my tears and my pain will melt away in the glorious perfection of absolute joy. No corner of my heart will remain unfilled, no aching longing will be remembered.
I will not shake my fist and say, “WHY???”
I won’t have to.
I know now, Lord, why you utter no answer. You are yourself the answer. Before your face questions die away. What other answer would suffice?
― C.S. Lewis