I’ve been doing this for a bit over four years now.
I’m pretty good at it in many ways-I’ve developed standard answers to common questions, figured out ways to keep my mouth shut when no answer I can think of is appropriate (literally biting my tongue), learned how to squelch tears and swallow sobs in public spaces, and (usually) how to avoid major triggers.
But navigating this territory is still exhausting.
Because every. single. day. I have to make choices and make changes so I’m not overwhelmed and incapacitated by grief.
And that takes a lot of energy. Energy that’s not available for other things.
Yet the world marches on and my responsibilities remain.
It’s no wonder I flop in bed exhausted every night.
I wrote this a couple years ago and it explains it well:
One of the things I’ve been forced to embrace in the wake of child loss is that there are very few questions, experiences or feelings that are simple anymore.
“How many children do you have?”
A common, get-to-know-you question lobbed across tables, down pews and in the check-out line at the grocery store. But for many bereaved parents, it can be a complex question that gets a different answer depending on who is asking and where we are.
Read the rest here: It’s Complicated
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thelifeididntchoose 
You write the words that echo the emotions of my heart. Hugs, Mama.
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I have learned that sometimes you just go with what things appear to be. I have never had a problem with answering questions about myself and my family. I have learned to just keep it simple. I don’t talk to everyone that I meet anymore, it’s just too complicated. Sometimes I don’t even make eye contact, something that I worked very hard to do with every person that I walked by. Always a smile. Now it just takes too much energy. I still try, but everything is just too much. Even just how are you? Makes me cringe. I feel like a fraud. I am not okay, I should have been able to go to my son’s high school graduation and watch him walk across the stage, not attend to honor his friends and for the memorial they planned for him. Nothing is simple any more.
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This is so true!
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Firstly, I am so sorry for your loss; your pain in these few words is so clear. The second thing I’m not sure whether I should say but it helped me so here goes: please don’t keep it all inside. I know the pain of holding back tears but the pain of keeping them in is so much worse than letting them out. The thought of letting a loved one go is so unbearably hard but, if we are to heal, we have to; we are not letting go of of the love we felt, we are not wiping away the memories but we are freeing ourselves from the pain that is destroying us, that our loved one would never have wanted us to suffer. I hope that you can find peace and that my advice doesn’t offend you in anyway x
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