Limping Toward Tomorrow

As hard as I may try to help those around me understand how very difficult it is to walk on in this life I didn’t choose, my efforts often go awry.

I forget to make a phone call, I assume some plans are in place, I mistake silence for assent, I’m unaware of secondary pressures or I simply underestimate pent up feelings waiting for an opportunity to be expressed and what I thought would be a regular encounter ends up being an uncomfortable or painful confrontation.

And I’m trapped. No where to go, no where to hide. Stuck in an unfruitful conversational circle.

No matter how carefully I listen, how cautiously I employ “I” statements and affirm another heart’s perspective, it isn’t enough. Because what they really need from me is something I can’t give: to make life like it was “before”.

But we both know that’s not possible. So I become the sacrificial punching bag-the person they pummel until the negative energy is spent.

I want to agree to disagree and lay down arms. I want to walk away, hang up the phone, run and hide.

I don’t.

Because if there were a way for me to relieve this built-up inner pressure (without hurting another heart) I’d do it too.

But there isn’t. So I take the licks.

I add that to my sack of “Things You Have To Endure Post Child Loss” and carry on.

Limping.

Still moving.

Just barely, some days.

Author: Melanie

I am a shepherd, wife and mother of four amazing children, three that walk the earth with me and one who lives with Jesus. This is a record of my grief journey and a look into the life I didn't choose. If you are interested in joining a community of bereaved parents leaning on the promises of God in Christ, please like the public Facebook page, "Heartache and Hope: Life After Losing a Child" and join the conversation.

3 thoughts on “Limping Toward Tomorrow”

  1. My heart leapt in recognition at your words Melanie, “limping” after such an encounter. It hurts so much when there is no way to put it right when hurting hearts have these uncomfortable confrontations. My anxiety rose just reading your post.

    May the peace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you Melanie. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I want you to know that I shared on social media, your post about lighting the candle next week . It has been viewed by many and shared by many other moms and dads. That make me so happy they are sharing it. And one grandpa also shared about his sweet granddaughter who left for heaven in July. It doesn’t surprise me how much this means to all of us parents whose child is with the Lord. Light the candle! Thanks for that post. We have all set a phone alarm.

    Liked by 2 people

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