I Wish I May, I Wish I Might, I Wish I Could Forget Tonight…

Driving home in the dark from several weeks of Mama D duty, I was listening to an old-fashioned, very tame (by today’s standards!) BBC Agatha Christie podcast.

Suddenly the previously entertaining and mindless fare took a turn that plunged me into over an hour of mental wrestling.

One of the characters commented on the face of the deceased and said something like he “looked frightened and astonished”, his last emotion etched forever on his countenance.

THAT was enough to send this mama’s thoughts down an unfruitful and completely horrifying rabbit trail.

I wish that at almost eight years I could reach for a switch to shut out unwelcome images but so far I haven’t found one. I wish I could just will myself to ignore questions about what Dom might have felt, thought or said in the last microseconds of his life. I wish I didn’t know as much as I do about what happened.

I wish I knew more about how Jesus takes His beloved to Heaven.

These intrusive thoughts don’t come as often as they once did and I am (usually) better at pinning them down, changing my thinking and forcing my heart and mind to focus on something else.

But sometimes,

in the dark

when I’m especially tired and vulnerable,

they take over once again.

Author: Melanie

I am a shepherd, wife and mother of four amazing children, three that walk the earth with me and one who lives with Jesus. This is a record of my grief journey and a look into the life I didn't choose. If you are interested in joining a community of bereaved parents leaning on the promises of God in Christ, please like the public Facebook page, "Heartache and Hope: Life After Losing a Child" and join the conversation.

8 thoughts on “I Wish I May, I Wish I Might, I Wish I Could Forget Tonight…”

  1. Oh that imafe that never goes away, hidden in the depths of our minds until it is triggered once more. 💔

    Luke was just over thirty when he chose to go on ahead……he looked like and old, old man…….perhaps that’s how he felt? “World weary,” as if the remains of his physical portrayed his mental being at the time of his death.
    Another unanswerable 💔
    I am so very sorry we are on this journey Melanie. Peace be with you xxx

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  2. This is one of the things that can send me down into the black abyss even after 6 1/2 years. My Patrick was 2000 miles away when he suffered his heart attack. He was with his boss and his boss’ wife so he wasn’t alone but I wasn’t there to hold his hand and wish him back to earth. 💙☘️💛⚾️

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  3. my Lydia took her life 6 years ago at 23. she didnt believe in God. when I go to that dark place, I imagine her anguish and horror whenever in the next second when she died. it is such a Hell I now live on this earth

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    1. Sandra- I so relate to your thoughts. My son was more Buddhist than anything. In our debates over the years, I told him he would be pleasantly surprised at the end of his life, that in his final moments, Jesus would be there to invite him to go with Him…..& in those moments, he would choose that joy, that peace, that love, & that grace. At the time I did not know that my son would choose to end his life after 21 years of depression, but I believe he DID see Jesus in those final moments…..& I believe he is with him now. Our children have a special place in God’s house. I count on it.

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  4. So true (as always) Melanie. We are currently walking through the valley of the shadow again, this time with Kari’s beloved puppy. It’s so hard to watch her breathing deteriorate, just as Kari did in her last days. And yet, she continues to fight on and enjoy moments in life – still with a tail wag and a willingness to engage in fun, also just like Kari. It’s triggering on so many levels and hard not to slip into unhelpful ruminations on what Kari might have been thinking and feeling in those last weeks and days. As you say, (along with Spurgeon) so much of this battle is fought in the mind.

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    1. Rhyl-I can imagine how difficult this is for you! There were so many animals on our place both before and after Dom left us. There was one outdoor cat that was particularly associated with Dom and I found him fatally injured one morning. When I took him to the vet to have him humanely put down I completely lost my mind. Good thing she is a longtime family friend and just held onto me.

      So many things in this broken world trigger all those thoughts and emotions.

      I’m praying for you and your husband during this long good-bye. ❤

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