Simon Peter answered Him, ” Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and know that You are the Holy One of God.” – John 6:68
“What else can I do but keep praying to You even when I feel dark; to keep writing about You even when I feel numb; to keep speaking Your name even when I feel alone. Come, Lord Jesus come. Have mercy on me, a sinner. ” -Henri Nouwen
Every spring and every fall we dutifully make the rounds to our clocks and digital devices, putting them first forward an hour and then back in an attempt to make the days “longer”.
As if time was in our hands.
The sun rises and sets according to the Creator’s schedule, we can neither speed the world’s turning, nor slow it down.
We can only choose whether to be present in the moments He grants us.
The day Dominic died settled firmly any ideas I may have had about time, or control, or knowing what the future holds. In one instant, a line was drawn across the years and they were divided into “before” and “after”. I couldn’t turn back the clock and gain even a single hour of the days or weeks or months before his accident.
Don’t waste the precious and irretrievable hours you are given-we are all just one breath away from eternity.
Clocks don’t determine the length and quality of my days–love, laughter and gentleness do.
None of us knows when our lives will end.
Because I have been forced to face the truth that time is in God’s hands-I choose to spend the time He gives me on things that matter, pouring into the lives of those around me and sharing what’s important with those I love.
“So teach us to number our days
that we may gain a heart of wisdom”
Psalm 90:12
One reason grief is so exhausting is that every step I take is on a balance beam of faith and hope.
I must navigate every necessary task without falling off.
According to one sports writer, “The balance beam is often regarded as the most difficult event in women’s gymnastics at any level of competition. At only four inches wide and four feet off the ground, there’s barely enough space for a person’s foot to fit on the beam let alone enough room to flip and dance.”
But an average competitive routine lasts only 30 to 90 seconds.
I will have to walk this narrow way the rest of my life.
Despair lies in wait on my left. One misstep and I’m lost. Down on the ground, hurting and hopeless. Doubt, guilt, anger and grief threaten to drag me into a pit so deep there’s no way out.
Delusion calls from the right.
Singing a lullaby to my wounded heart-he’s not really gone. “Can’t you feel him in the wind? See him in the clouds?” It would be so easy to just step off the rational and faithful path and embrace some fluffy facsimile of biblical truth.
The solid beam is my faith and hope in Jesus Christ.
That what He said is true.
That what He promises will come to pass.
That even though I cannot see proof of life after death, it exists and Dominic is experiencing it.
That, like David said when his baby died, “He cannot come to me, but I can go to him.”
It takes every fiber of my being to focus my will and to direct my attention to the Truth.
Many nights I fall asleep reciting Scripture. Many mornings I wake before the sun and remind myself that even in the dark, God reigns.
So when you see me and I look tired-I am.
But I wait in hope for the LORD…
We wait in hope for the LORD; He is our help and our shield.
In Him our hearts rejoice,
for we trust in His holy name.
May your unfailing love be with us, LORD,
even as we put our hope in you.
Psalm 33:20-22 NIV
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