April 17, 2014
Father, I have received through Your hand a most grievous wound-part of my heart has been ripped from my chest and I will limp through life forever changed, forever broken.
My beautiful, fearless, strong son has been struck down in his youth. I am dismayed that my body will continue to live when my spirit is crushed.
How can death and life inhabit the same frame?
How can I attend to the externals of commonplace things when all I want to do is hurry through to the eternal home You have prepared for me?
Oh Jesus! Hold my baby! I know that You were with him and I know that you love him. I know (I have to know-or I couldn’t breathe) that you love me!
What a steep price to pay for a tender heart-fill me up with grace, mercy and love. Make our circle stronger and more resiliant.
Help me to love, to be love, to show love, to give love, to eat,sleep, drink love.
“Here I am, LORD, and the children You have given me-make us as signs and symbols to Your people, for the glory of Your Name.” ~Isaiah 8:18
If I believe that only Your Word and the people You have made are eternal, then I must order the rest of the life You give me to align with that truth.
Take this mother’s heart and make this pain count for something.
“A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come, but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of the joy that a child is born into the world. So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.” ~John 16:21-22
Lord, I choose to believe that this pain will produce the life You have ordained and that joy will be the ultimate outcome.
April 30, 2016
I continue to carry both death and life in my body and my heart.
Death reminds me of the cost of sin, of the price of redemption and of how fragile and temporary our earthly existence. It makes me uncomfortable here-is a constant thorn in my flesh.
I cannot lay it aside or ignore it.
The undeniable presence of death contrasts sharply with the equally undeniable life of Christ sustaining me.
I have been asked how I can believe in what I cannot see or touch. How I can trust a God Who allowed such pain in my life.
It is true that I can’t see God, I can’t prove His existence.
But the fact that I’m still holding onto hope gives testimony to the life of Christ in me.
This is in keeping with my own eager desire and persistent expectation and hope, that I shall not disgrace myself nor be put to shame in anything; but that with the utmost freedom of speech and unfailing courage, now as always heretofore, Christ (the Messiah) will be magnified and get glory and praise in this body of mine and be boldly exalted in my person, whether through (by) life or through (by) death.
For me to live is Christ [His life in me], and to die is gain [the gain of the glory of eternity].
Philippians 1:20-21 AMP