No Comparison

One of the hardest parts of blogging for me is that I am committed to authenticity.  As best as I am able, I try to be honest and transparent.

This entry was tricky.

I never, ever want to minimize ANYONE’S pain-in my mind there is no hierachy of misery. But I also want to let those outside the child loss community see how much it hurts to have our loss compared by others to their very different losses. We would much rather you simply take our hand or hug us or sit silently with us on the mourning bench.

So, here it is.  I hope you receive it in the spirit in which it is intended.

It is just so hard to accept that remaining silent is often better than saying the wrong thing.

It seems like every quiet space MUST be filled with chatter-especially in our overstimulated world of screens and noise boxes.

But, I promise-if you and I are speaking, and I choose to expose my heart-I would rather you take my hand or hug my neck and say nothing than tell me, “I understand exactly how you feel.”

Unless, of course, you do.

If you have buried a child, then please, please, please tell me that!  We will cry together.

women-crying-together-cell-phone

But there is no comparison between losing an aged aunt, full of years,  and losing a child, full of promise.

There is no comparison between losing a job, a house or a dream-any of which have the potential for restoration in this life– and losing a childwhom I will not see until I reach heaven.

There is no comparison between losing a pet and losing my son.

It’s the difference between being hungry because you skipped lunch and starving to death because you don’t have access to food or water.

One is uncomfortable and the other is excruciating.

So, while I deeply appreciate your desire to empathize with me, please don’t try to stretch your limited experience with loss to include my own.

It hurts my heart and minimizes my pain.

There’s just no comparison.

cant-fix-it-my-family-is-always-achingly-incomplete

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author: Melanie

I am a shepherd, wife and mother of four amazing children, three that walk the earth with me and one who lives with Jesus. This is a record of my grief journey and a look into the life I didn't choose. If you are interested in joining a community of bereaved parents leaning on the promises of God in Christ, please like the public Facebook page, "Heartache and Hope: Life After Losing a Child" and join the conversation.

13 thoughts on “No Comparison”

    1. I’m not sure what you mean-when you say that they shouldn’t compare their loss to child loss? If so, I am sorry that has been your experience. One of the reasons I write is to give voice to some feelings/experiences/thoughts of grieving parents in general that can be shared in a less threatening manner with others. Sometimes if you share an article, a blog post, a post by someone else your family and friends can read it and perhaps accept it a little easier. It sometimes knocks barriers down. Sometimes not. There are always people who insist on their perspective regardless. For them, I try hard to extend grace and just keep on keeping on. So sorry for your loss and pain.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. It is so very helpful that you do speak of it and write it out loud so it becomes truth. My sister and I have gone through the loss of a mother before we were 10, a baby brother at one year, a father at 74, and there is NOTHING that compares to the loss of a child. I once said to her it is a million times worse than what we have already experienced, and she still did not understand, in fact got angry that I was downplaying our previous losses, so for most, it cannot be felt or described until they have lived it.

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  2. Another great blog post. It is so hard not to jump on some people when they start trying to compare the loss of my son to something they have lost (i.e., pet, older family member, etc). I know people are trying their hardest to “help” but what they don’t ever realize is that what they are doing is causing those of us who have lost a child to be hurt even more. For the wound, which will never heal, to have been cut just a little bit further open.

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  3. Dear Melanie,  thank you from the bottom of my broken heart for these words! Exactly what I wish I could put into words. My son has been gone 3 years and I still think he is just working out of town! I find myself sitting in silence, or fuming inside when people compare their loss like you said! I’ve had friends compare divorce too! I am so thankful I found your blog to follow. God bless us broken parents 

    Sent from my Verizon, Samsung Galaxy smartphone

    Liked by 2 people

    1. So sorry for your loss and pain! I’m thankful the blog helps, a little. It’s a hard journey. May you feel the Father’s loving arms around you and may He fill your heart with His mercy and grace. Blessings, dear one.

      Liked by 1 person

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