Just Plain Hard

Today is full of tears.

No real reason-other than the obvious one-but so many things coming together to remind me this life is hard, hard, hard.

I find on this side of burying Dominic that when two or three other stressful events pile one atop the other I crumble.  Sometimes it’s other family members  doing the best they can to muddle through and sometimes it’s physical pain or disappointment or the random “ya-ya” stuff of life in community with other people  Whatever it is, the weight-in addition to grief-just absolutely overwhelms me.

I used to be stronger.  

Or at least I thought I was stronger.  But maybe the truth was the burden I was carrying wasn’t nearly as heavy as I thought it was and I just didn’t have anything to compare it to.

Now I do.

And I am oh, so weary!  I want to curl up in a ball and wish for it all to be over. I want to hide in a hole and hope the world passes me by.  I want to wait out my years unnoticed and unchallenged and pass peacefully to eternal rest and the joyful fullness of what has been promised.

Not an option.

So I hang in and hold on.  I cling to hope and I climb the mountain.  I crawl when I can’t walk. I beg for mercy when my mind grows dark and all I see is the long years stretching before me like a prison sentence.

And I cry.

I let the tears roll down my cheeks and fall into the corners of my mouth.  I taste their salty sweetness and let them remind me that Dominic matters. That even when other folks have forgotten and moved on, he’s still part of my every day. My heart is still in pieces. My family circle has been torn apart.

Some days I can push it down and forget a little.  But today I can’t.

It’s just plain hard.

 

 

 

Author: Melanie

I am a shepherd, wife and mother of four amazing children, three that walk the earth with me and one who lives with Jesus. This is a record of my grief journey and a look into the life I didn't choose. If you are interested in joining a community of bereaved parents leaning on the promises of God in Christ, please like the public Facebook page, "Heartache and Hope: Life After Losing a Child" and join the conversation.

22 thoughts on “Just Plain Hard”

    1. That IS a hard day, Ruby. I am so very sorry. Birthdays are beautiful reminders of the gift of a child or grandchild but an awful memorial of one more thing we miss so very much. Praying the Lord will give you strength for today as you think about your precicous grandson. ❤

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    1. I’m so sorry. I hope that today is a better day for you. They go back and forth. Some harder than others but not every one so hard as at first, thankfully. ❤

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  1. I so appreciate your honesty and humbleness..you speak for me when I can’t utter a word. When I read ALL of your post I use Peyton’s name…I always feel your pain. Thank you for a place to escape..A place that totally understands. Hugs and prayers
    Lisa

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    1. Oh, Lisa! I wish no other mother did understand! I am sorry for your pain and your loss. Praying that the Lord meets you where you are with exactly what you need. One day this will be a faded memory and the redeemed and restored will stand together as testimony to the faithful, enduring love of Jesus. ❤

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  2. You put my feelings into words. It’s been 17 1/2 months since my heart was broken into a million pieces. I miss my son more than words can say. I look forward to the day when I will be reunited with Sean in Jesus’ presence.

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    1. Karen, I am so very sorry for your loss and your pain. Missing our child is unbelievably hard and that is the part that hasn’t changed for me. I am better able to deal with the sorrow and I can hide the tears. But the missing-no remedy. Praying you feel the Father’s loving arms around you and that He floods your heart with His mercy and grace as we wait together. ❤

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  3. Good morning Melanie. I am thinking of you and just how hard today is. My words are not going to help make life any easier, and they will not stop the tears from falling. Dominic is in my thoughts, he is remembered, and the many memorable things he did during his almost 24 years with us, will never be forgotten by me. Like you, I think of him all the time, and want him back too, so all the love, all the potential, all the kind things he did, continue forever.

    My dearest daughter, let the tears flow, keep the memories fresh, and know that you are in my heart, my thoughts and my prayers each day. I love you with all that is in me, and I hope you don’t curl up into a ball and quit. That would just add pain to my already bleeding heart.

    Love,

    Papa

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  4. … through tears and with much love I send you compassionate hugs – with prayers for all of our hearts and souls as we continue our earthly journey until we see Him face to face…what a glorious day that will be… Selah. ❤️

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    1. Thank you Joan. I treasure the prayers. They help speak courage to my heart. May the Lord give you strength for each day as well. It will be redeemed and restored. I am counting on it! ❤

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  5. It has been 3 years and 4 months since our vivacious 21 year old, Claire Elizabeth, went ahead of us to Heaven. Your experience is my experience. Let’s keep holding hands together and leaning in our LORD. ❤❤❤
    (If any of you are ever in Oregon, I’d be delighted to meet you)

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    1. Thank you Deirdre. Yes, we are definitely stronger together. I wish no one knew this pain but it helps so much to be heard and understood. Praying for you too, mama. ❤

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  6. Thank you Melanie, I am exactly the same today! Love your words when I can’t find mine! God bless you. It has been a little over 3 years for me…..not long as you know

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    1. I know you understand, Cathy. I am sorry any of us have to walk this road. Thankful that we have others who call courage to our hearts when we want to give up. May the Lord give you what you need where you are. ❤

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