I Don’t Get to Be Ugly

It’s easy to justify bad behavior when I am hurting.  

As the saying goes, “Hurt people, hurt people”.

But if I know Jesus, I don’t get a pass.  I don’t get to act ugly or pretend I don’t know better or have His Spirit to help me BE better.

Sometimes I AM ugly.  Sometimes I do act badly.  I am ashamed that even though I am fully aware of my own desperate need for grace and mercy I sometimes withhold it from others.

I’m also ashamed that I can be judgmental and hateful and short-tempered and short-sighted. I can exclude others and run out of patience and choose to turn away when I should be tuning in.

And I’m really, really sorry.

hands-passing-heart

I’m trying to lean more fully on the grace available to me through God’s Holy Spirit.  I am trying to pause so that the first thing that springs to mind doesn’t always fly out of my mouth.  I am learning to wait before returning phone calls, emails and text messages.

I try to take a walk when my heart is twisted ugly so that the ugly doesn’t spill out onto others and ruin THEIR day.

I don’t get to lay aside the calling to love because I’ve laid a child to rest.  

I’m working hard to remember that.  

love God love others rocks

 

 

Author: Melanie

I am a shepherd, wife and mother of four amazing children, three that walk the earth with me and one who lives with Jesus. This is a record of my grief journey and a look into the life I didn't choose. If you are interested in joining a community of bereaved parents leaning on the promises of God in Christ, please like the public Facebook page, "Heartache and Hope: Life After Losing a Child" and join the conversation.

5 thoughts on “I Don’t Get to Be Ugly”

  1. I learn alot from my earthly daughter, age 7, who’s twin resides in heaven. One day when I was crying (fortunately not being ugly), she wanted to know why. I didn’t want to tell her it was because I missed her sister. She said, “mom, just tell me”, so I told her the truth. She paused and said to me, “mom, I miss her too. I wish she were here so I could play with her. But, mom I don’t feel sadness because all I feel in my heart is love.” And, this child does cry. Her teacher called me yesterday to say she was crying because she was too embarrassed to do her physical therapy exercises in PE class because everyone is looking at her. But, to hear from her that when she thinks of her sister she is filled with love is awesome and inspiring. Maybe my adult brain/heart can’t understand or experience her perspective because for me it hurts. Sometimes I don’t even hurt for me, I hurt for her. It is one thing for me to have lost a child, but when I think of her loss it hurts more. It was her twin. I think of all the little things she is missing. There is not 2 little curly headed girls whispering to each other sharing secrets and planning to trick mom. I miss that for her. I am thankful that God has chosen to fill her heart with love instead of sadness. I wish my heart could figure out how to be there too and honestly I just feel sorry for myself and wallow in that. I hope this “comment” isn’t too long. I’m letting out some of my hurt here so I don’t hurt others. Thank you for making that possible and sharing with us.

    Liked by 1 person

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