I write a lot about what bereaved parents (me!) wish others knew or understood about child loss and this Valley we are walking. And I am thankful for every person outside the child loss community who chooses to read and heed what I write.
But I want to take a minute to tell those of you who are not part of this awful “club” that I get it-I really do get it–when you need to put distance between yourself and me or other people walking a broken road.
We all love to think that life is a never-ending ascent toward bigger, better and more enjoyable moments.
Our children are born and we think only of their future, not their future deaths. We plan for retirement never imagining that some dreadful disease may keep us from enjoying that nest egg we so carefully set aside.
So when my son died-or your friend’s daughter died-it was an affront to the way you want to think about how the world works. It’s an unavoidable reminder that we are not in control, no matter how many plans we make.
Trust me, if I could, I’d run away from it too.
I’d turn down the other aisle in the grocery store to avoid coming face-to-face with tears. I’d take me out of my own Facebook newsfeed so that the sad posts of recycled photos didn’t upset my morning coffee. I’d change my pew or enter the sanctuary from another door to make sure I didn’t run into me and have to say something when I had no idea what to say.
I’d let days, weeks, months slip by between phone calls and then convince myself that really, I wasn’t ignoring my friend, I was “giving her space”.
I really, really do get it.
I am a reminder that no one is immune to tragedy. I am a walking, talking advertisement for the unpredictability of life.
My life is your worst nightmare.
And who wants to face that?
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thelifeididntchoose 
“My life is your worst nightmare” – That sentence was typed in bold print in the article because that’s all that really needs to be said. My life is your worst nightmare, but I can’t wake up.
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Even my pastor took 5 months to call me & ask if we needed anything. Yes…we did…we do…but now I am on. Education & seeing psychiatrist… God & I are “okay”… but only 2 friends have stuck around…Am I okay? Nope…never…. Do I understand? Yup…and I am scarred for life. My son lived and died…but suicide makes me almost unredeemable….It has been 2 years, 5 months, 12 days and I still miss my 39 y.0. 6 ft/2” 200 lb. hugs…
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Love to you, Pamela. It’s true that on some level, we make others uncomfortable, but a bit of love goes a long way, huh?
I wish you could hug your 39 year old handsome, precious son today. I wish you could have Sunday dinner with him. Jesus will make all things right. Someday. Somehow.
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This is brutally perfect. Very few people are equipped to walk alongside us on this lonely road. And we are a reminder of this less than perfect life. Thursday is the 7 year angelversary of our son’s death. I refuse to allow the memories of friends who have evaporated from our lives enter into my grief.
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I remember when I returned to work the look I received when passing coworkers. It was like they were thinking, I am glad it wasn’t me (that lost a child). It may have been all in my head, but that is how it felt. I also remember the tears in the grocery store isle with someone telling me how sorry they were and their discomfort. Even now it depends on who I am around when I bring up one of my children’s names. Some will talk about them, some will change the subject.
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I understand that. Same here. Some people are more comfortable with our pain than others. Depending on the day, it is easier or harder to bear with their discomfort. ❤
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I have actually had people say they were glad it wasn’t them! Goodness! I wish it wasn’t you! Or any of us…
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Oh yes. Again spot on Melanie. Unfortunately the people you would really like to understand this are the ones who no longer have anything to do with you, so they’ll never actually know. Another irony of life.
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So true Rhyl. They won’t see it. But maybe the hangers-on who are thinking of bailing will see it and remain instead. Honestly, I think that often the ones who run away don’t know themselves why they do it. Messy stories are just not something we really talk about nor equip the Body of Christ to engage with. But we should. ❤
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I would so love to share this with so many friends who think I should have ‘moved on’ by now — 2 years, 4 months since my son Scott died from cancer — I do miss them in my life — I don’t blame them from shying away from me — ‘I was blessed. I was with Scott when he died. I got to tell him I loved him and it was ok to go to Heaven –He isn’t suffering anymore’ — all these things they tell me are true — but oh how I miss him….. and I miss them in my life. They are tired of not knowing what to say…..
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Yes. There are definitely people avoiding me. Nobody is comfortable with the dead baby topic. And some people have yet to experience grief, any type of grief.
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True. I’m so sorry this is how it is-very painful for us who can’t avoid our situation. May the Lord wrap His loving arms around you and may He bring you a safe friend who will bear witness to your grief and pain. ❤ Melanie
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