I Don’t Want To Remember My Son

I don’t want to remember my son. 

I want to make memories with him.  

I want him to watch me grow old, to watch him get married and have children and to hear his voice mingled with his siblings at my table.

I’ve tried dozens of times to write a post that describes the abyss that divides the life I thought I would live and what it’s turned out to be.

I can’t do it.  

A twenty-three year old isn’t planning his legacy.  A mom of a twenty-three year old isn’t carefully preserving daily moments in the event he suddenly disappears.

Whatever legacy Dominic has left behind is a function of his huge personality rather than careful planning.  And all I have left of his life are bits and pieces I’m trying to string together so he’s not forgotten.

I was not prepared to wake up one morning and learn that his earthly story ended.  

I didn’t get to say good-bye, didn’t get to look him in the eye and tell him how very much I love him, didn’t even get to hold his hand as he left this life and entered Heaven.

I know he is just fine.  He’s full of joy and perfectly content.  

But I’m not.  

I don’t want Dominic to be a memory.  

I want him to be here.  

 

Author: Melanie

I am a shepherd, wife and mother of four amazing children, three that walk the earth with me and one who lives with Jesus. This is a record of my grief journey and a look into the life I didn't choose. If you are interested in joining a community of bereaved parents leaning on the promises of God in Christ, please like the public Facebook page, "Heartache and Hope: Life After Losing a Child" and join the conversation.

13 thoughts on “I Don’t Want To Remember My Son”

  1. Melanie, you have just stated what I feel certain every bereaved parent feels- thank you! Thank you for speaking for all of us! I remember in so many of the cards we received, the sentiment was “ may you be comforted by sweet memories”. No! I certainly wasn’t then ! In those early days, I just got mad when I read that….so I got mad a lot! I didn’t want to trade the presence of Robert for memories of him! In the almost 9 years that have followed, that anger has softened, and of COURSE I’m thankful for those memories, because that’s all I have! Thank you for continuing to write and to help so many of us! I’m praying for you, I know this is your hardest month. 💙

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Yes, we want what we thought was ours, but it was only borrowed. Many mornings when I can’t read because of tears I lay my hand on my Bible. It is open to Isaiah 55…His ways are not our ways… I cannot imagine the trauma some of you feel, because I’m the Mom that got to say goodbye. I watched as my vibrant 24 yr old daughter began to have pain and was diagnosed with sarcoma. She was an elementary teacher, loved children! I watched as her dreams had to die, I held her hand as the pain made her delirious, I stood there and could do nothing!!! I have the precious gift of her acceptance, and having her tell me she would be waiting for me over there, but those last days are a nightmare I want to forget! Give a mother a thousand good-byes, but they are never enough! She’s been gone a little over a year now… Hugs to each of you on this journey, as we walk each other home! Thanks for honest, genuine, posts!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I miss the sense of well-being.
    I miss a good nights sleep and the anticipation of a happy day ahead of me.
    I miss her smile-inducing laughter.
    Her enthusiasm. Her storytelling of her day’s events. Her opinions. Her eagerness to shop, cook, and serve. Her impromptu singing and little dance moves….Her knitting, playing with the dogs, her running, her thoughtful questions, her hopes & dreams….our beloved Claire Elizabeth. Forever 21.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh yes. I feel this pain. It’s not only our child we lost, but we also lost the future. I titled mine, the lost hope of expectations. I’m approaching birthday number 4 of Amanda being in heaven this Friday. Special days amplify the missing. Bears hugs.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Yes, Melanie, yes!
    On Saturday, April 7th, it will be 7 years that my Brian left this earthly dwelling place….my heart breaks, as I know yours and those who share here does, too….

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Melanie My heart brakes for us both. This is truth and always will be . We will never have another great day on Earth just some good days . This is what is the hardest for me . The fact that I don’t want the memories … I want Paul him here .. Our Joy Filled Paul was swept to Heaven Easter Day , April 5 2015 while Home from college in a hit and run . I will never be the same . Thank you for your frequent blog post . I connect to everyone. It help me not feel alone .

    Hugs Mary Ann

    >

    Liked by 2 people

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