Do you want to know one of the most repeated questions in grief support groups?
It is, “Am I normal?”
In the midst of great loss,
in the middle of reconstructing a life that includes a giant hole,
while struggling to place one foot in front of the other,
parents who have buried a child are often worried about whether what they feel and how they act is “normal”.
Grieving a child is a complex and life-long process as I wrote about here:
I don’t like pain.
I don’t enjoy suffering.
But deep pain and suffering have left a lasting impression on my soul. Experiencing the loss of a child has enlarged my heart and sharpened my senses to the pain and suffering around me.
Choosing transparency in pain is hard and vulnerability is frightening.
But when I let others in, they see that I am just like them. I struggle, I cry out for mercy, I need God’s grace, mercy and strength to carry on.
And that lends authority to my invitation to meet Jesus.
It changes a “sales pitch” into a genuine message backed up by the evidence of His compassion and care in my own broken life.
Even more, they know that I KNOW-I understand pain, I understand struggle and I understand desperation.
Jesus came, in part, to embody the heart of God to the world. He came to give abundant proof that God loves us. He walked gently among the wounded and healed the sick and hurting.
Jesus has all authority because He was obedient in suffering. His love for us kept Him bound to the cross. His Father’s love raised Him from the dead.
When I choose compassion, when I choose to suffer alongside the suffering, I am most like Him.
And my living example of His eternal one is a powerful testimony of His work in my life and a grace-filled invitation for others to receive forgiveness, grace and mercy in their own time of need.
Seeing that we have a great High Priest who has entered the inmost Heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to our faith. For we have no superhuman High Priest to whom our weaknesses are unintelligible—he himself has shared fully in all our experience of temptation, except that he never sinned.
Let us therefore approach the throne of grace with fullest confidence, that we may receive mercy for our failures and grace to help in the hour of need.
Hebrews 4:14-16
Oh, the blessing of true friendship when your world is full of pain! There is no substitute for loving companionship when all you see is darkness.
There are those who are brave and reach out to me and offer words or hugs or prayers and their efforts give me strength and comfort.
Read the rest here: Loving Well: Being a Friend
When I first shared this post, I received a lot of feedback from readers and much of it went something like this: “I wish my pastor would read this.” or “I’d love to share this on my own FaceBook page but I’m afraid someone might be offended.”
I didn’t write this post to point fingers but I did write it to drag into the light a hidden place of pain and division within churches.
There are so many hurting people in our pews and we cannot continue to ignore our responsibility to minister to them. So to you who are timid, I say, “Be brave! Share! There is no shame in sharing the truth in love!”
“I am a shepherd. My goats and sheep depend on me for food, for guidance and for their security.
And every day I am reminded that a shepherd’s heart is revealed by the way he or she cares for the weakest and most vulnerable of the flock.”
Read the rest here: Loving Well: How the Church Can Serve Grieving Parents and Other Hurting People
There is a lot of misconception around the notion of “acceptance” in the grief community. Sometimes among the very people counseling those walking this valley of loss.
It’s not a once-and-done realization or commitment or decision. It’s a process…
Sometimes those that walk alongside the bereaved are biding time, waiting for that “final” stage of grief: Acceptance.
And some therapists, counselors and armchair psychiatrists are certain that if the grieving mother can simply accept the death of her child, she can move on–that she can get back to a more “normal’ life.
But this notion is as ridiculous as imagining that welcoming a new baby into a household doesn’t change everything.
Read the rest here: Loving well: Understanding “Acceptance”
I don’t want pity.
I don’t want people passing me in the street or in the sanctuary secretly shaking their head and thinking, “poor woman”.
I would like to be understood-at least as well as anyone standing on the outside of child loss can understand…
A bereaved parent’s grief doesn’t fit an easy-to-understand narrative. And it flies in the face of the American “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” mentality.
Read the rest here: Loving Well: Understanding the Grieving Heart
I wrote this post in an effort to help the nonbereaved understand that funerals and memorials and other outward symbols of “good-bye” are only the BEGINNING to our sense of loss and sorrow. And that while everyone else walks away and goes back to the life they had the day before, we stand on the threshold to a different life we are unprepared for, know nothing about and do not want.
“A funeral or memorial service seems like a final chapter. We close the coffin, close the doors and everyone goes home.
But for bereaved parents and their surviving children, it’s not an end, it is a beginning.
Much like a wedding or birth serves as the threshold to a new way of life, a new commitment, a new understanding of who you are, burying a child does the same.
I walked away from the cemetary overwhelmed by the finality of death–not in a theological sense–I believe firmly that my son lives with Jesus–but with the undeniable fact that he is no longer available to me on this earth.”
Read more: Loving Well: Transitioning From “Good-bye” to Grief
I asked other bereaved parents to share from their experience the things that were helpful and not so helpful to them after losing a child. I was amazed by the answers!
What follows is a combination of their words and mine–blended together to help others in this journey.
If you are a bereaved parent, and have wanted to gently remind amily and friends what is helpful and what isn’t-sharing a post to Facebook can be a non-threatening way to let them know using someone else’s voice.
“When I asked other bereaved parents to share the things people did that blessed them in the wake of losing a child, I didn’t expect so many stories of extravagant love–of acts surpassing anything I could have thought of or imagined.”
Read the rest: Extravagant Love: Tales of Friendship and Encouragement After Losing a Child
I asked other bereaved parents to share from their experience the things that were helpful and not so helpful to them after losing a child. I was amazed by the answers!
What follows is a combination of their words and mine–blended together to help others in this journey.
If you are a bereaved parent, and have wanted to gently remind amily and friends what is helpful and what isn’t-sharing a post to Facebook can be a non-threatening way to let them know using someone else’s voice.
“When Dominic died, I didn’t get a manual on what to do. I didn’t get an orientation into how to be a grieving parent. So when some people asked how they could help me and my family, I really didn’t know.”
Read the rest here: 31 Practical Ways to Love Grieving Parents in the First Few Days
Beginning today and through the next week, I will be sharing again a series of posts written to help those journeying the valley of grief and those walking with them on the journey. I asked other bereaved parents to share from their experience the things that were helpful and not so helpful to them after losing a child.
Many of these insights are useful for blessing anyone in any difficult situation–we can all use a little help from our friends.
If you are a bereaved parent, and you have wanted to let family and friends know what’s helpful and what isn’t-sharing a post to Facebook can be a non-threatening way to let them know using someone else’s voice.
“No one is prepared to bury their child.
But some of us have to.”
Read the rest: Loving Well: Meaningful Ministry to Grieving Parents
thelifeididntchoose 