I’ll confess right here on the world wide web that I tend to go along to get along.
It’s a terrible and odd twist that the son who always encouraged me to speak up for myself has accomplished his goal by his absence.
Since Dominic left for Heaven I’m learning to ask questions I’d never dare ask before.
When someone does something or doesn’t do something, instead of assuming motives or assigning blame, I ask them why. It doesn’t always end well, but it’s worth the risk.
Most of the time I find the person has anticipated (often mistakenly) that his or her behavior, choices or words are helpful. Truly, family and friends are not usually out to hurt my heart.
Now, I admit in the beginning I didn’t care whether it was accidental or purposeful. I was already so burdened that any additional stress or strain was more than I could bear. I wanted people to put themselves in my shoes.
Truth is, they can’t.
All the times I IMAGINED what it might feel like to have a child run ahead to Heaven didn’t even come close to how it actually felt. All the scripts that played in my head when someone was late checking in, coming home or assuring me of safe arrival when traveling can’t hold a candle to the REALITY of a son never ever coming home again.
It’s not fair (but what about child loss IS fair?) that I have to educate others as I’m learning myself.
It’s simply reality.
I liken it to being forced to lead in a dance I don’t know to music I can’t stand to hear.
So I ask.
And I’m often surprised by the answers.
In utter innocence and genuine sympathy some friends and family make decisions they honestly think are good ones.
None of us has a road map for this journey-neither we who travel the road nor those who walk alongside us. It’s uncharted territory.
I would rather err on the side of love and grace then build walls between my heart and the ones I have left here on earth.
Sure it hurts.
But most things this side of child loss do.
I refuse to sacrifice relationship on the altar of grief.