Memories, Milestones and Melancholy

I’m finding it hard to write these days.

Not because I don’t have anything to say but because I can’t find ways to say it that might make sense to anyone else.

So much is jumbled up inside me, so much is wrapped around itself and I can’t find the end of the string to unravel it.

Ever since Dominic ran ahead to Heaven, writing has been my refuge. First in my journals and now in this space.

I depend on words on the page to tell me what I think and feel.

Lately my trusty tool has let me down.

I’m sure part of it is the abrupt end to silent days and virtually unlimited alone time since the coronavirus crisis upended my routine.

Now when I come in from my walk I’m greeted by my husband (a good thing!) instead of only cats. I spend more time making meals and cleaning up after them. I don’t have the quiet moments watching the sun sink down behind the trees and dark reclaim the living room as I peck away at my keyboard.

Dominic was so full of life, it’s impossible to think of him breathless and still.

Part of it is the time of year.

Sunday will be six years since Dominic left us and each passing day brings me closer and closer to that milestone. I should be better at facing it by now.

But I’m not.

Last year my faithful companion animal died around this time too. His death didn’t hold a candle to the death of my son but any death-every death-pricks that deep wound and reminds me the world is not as it should be.

Roosevelt, my faithful companion for over a decade. ❤

Last year’s Facebook post:

2:53 4/7/2019  ••UPDATE•• Roosevelt died in my arms without suffering. I am so thankful for the years I had with him. ❤️.

I’m holding my precious companion animal as he dies. I want him to know that he is loved and the last thing he feels to be my hand on his fur.

So today, breathing is enough. 

2:53 April 7, 2019

And this year-well-this year death is the headline everywhere.

Actual death, impending death, anticipated death. Numbers, numbers, numbers that represent real people, real lives, real families left behind.

How my heart hurts!

I try to stay away from too much news, too much social media, too much of anything besides family and close friends.

I’m still up before sunrise and spend time reading, praying, researching, thinking, waiting to hear from my heart.

I wish the words would come.

I’m afraid if they don’t my heart will burst.

Author: Melanie

I am a shepherd, wife and mother of four amazing children, three that walk the earth with me and one who lives with Jesus. This is a record of my grief journey and a look into the life I didn't choose. If you are interested in joining a community of bereaved parents leaning on the promises of God in Christ, please like the public Facebook page, "Heartache and Hope: Life After Losing a Child" and join the conversation.

3 thoughts on “Memories, Milestones and Melancholy”

  1. Oh Melanie, how I feel for you during this time. I have watched as the days have progressed and thought I could sense your writing becoming difficult for you.

    The time of year as it approached Dominic’s day of leaving….now this awful time we are all going through.

    I too like all of us parents without our children by our sides are sinking again into places which we have learnt to avoid if at all possible. As we hear of the mounting deaths in our countries and even in our communities we have been drawn back without wanting to be.

    I do hope you can find your words again…for your sake. You have written enough over the years for us followers to go back into your posts and re-read them. We are bound to find something to uplift us or something we can ponder anew on.

    I know it will be hard for you but rest a little, if you can. Maybe we all need to rest a little…our world has slowed us down…..maybe we need to take heed. I don’t know. Even though I know this has thrown me back to places I would rather not go, I can sense a change in my attitude. I don’t even know what it is at the moment so I’m just waiting to see.

    May the Lord bless you and keep you in His tender embrace my friend. Peace be with you xxx

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  2. Hi Melanie , Sending extra Prayers your way during this extra tough season . Our son in heaven Pauls 5th year Heaven Date anniversary was Sunday .April 5 . Paul Robert Miltenberger was home from college as a sophomore at Mizzou on Easter weekend when out with friends was hit by a drunk driver . Paul went to Heaven at 1:00 am Easter morning ,April 5 2015 . I connect so deeply with what your heartfelt words you share . Thank you Melanie for being such a source of strength and encouragement to so many of us . I pray for you to breath extra this week and have grace on yourself .

    Love and prayers, Mary Ann Miltenberger Southlake , Texas

    >

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