Life after child loss can be described in various ways.
But any that ring true convey a sense that in an instant, everything is different, shattered, scattered, obliterated, changed.
I like this quote by Tolkien:
It’s the threads, the shards, the broken bits that I will spend a lifetime trying to gather, save and weave or glue back together.
It will never be what it was, but it can still be something.
I will always carry the scars.
The scars are proof of my love.
❤
A friend who is now battling a new challenge in addition to child loss posted this on her Facebook timeline:
You’re not going to master the rest of your life in one day. Just relax.
Master the day.
Then just keep doing that every day.
I LOVE it! And it reminded me of this quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson that has been on my refrigerator for years:
Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.
Truth is, no matter how much we may TRY to live life in weeks or months or years, we really are only able to live it one day at a time.
And as Jesus said over 2000 years ago: “Don’t worry at all then about tomorrow. Tomorrow can take care of itself! One day’s trouble is enough for one day.” (Matthew 6:34)
If I never knew it before, I know it now.
I am good for a single 24 hour period-one revolution of the earth.
That’s it.
Sure I put stuff on my calendar. I have to. But I never take it for granted. I never assume that what I think is going to happen next week really will happen next week.
I know better.
And I’ve also learned there is absolutely NO use in worrying about what MIGHT happen. Because worrying does not rob tomorrow of its problems, it only robs today of its joys.
So I work each day to do THAT day. I make it the most productive, most love-filled and life-giving day I can.
I go to bed satisfied that I’ve done my best.
Get up the next sunrise and do it again.
One day at a time.
In a hurry, in a hurry.
That describes most of us these days, doesn’t it?
Always looking for the fastest way around the clogged intersection, the highway construction or the long line waiting to get a coffee at Starbucks.
But there are some things we can’t rush along.
Grief is one of them.
There are no shortcuts, no detours in this Valley of the Shadow of Death.
We long for a way to hasten past the deep, dark nights of sorrow and pain.
We beg God and anyone who will listen to show us the quickest route out of the miry pit of misery and missing.
It doesn’t exist.
Grief, like love, takes time.
I cannot speak for others but in my case, it seems that I did not lose Dominic all at once.
In fact, I’m still losing him.
Bit by bit, a little at a time, nearly molecule by molecule, his mark on my life, my walls, my world grows smaller.
Of course the space he occupies in my heart is safe-a mother’s heart grows larger with each birth and never shrinks again!
But in the physical world, the observable world, the world outside the safe sanctuary of my own soul-his presence THERE is fading.
And that’s it’s own brand of grief that must be recognized, felt, mourned and laid to rest.
Every time Dominic SHOULD be here but ISN’T means another memory made without him, another photograph with a missing piece, another family milestone celebrated a bit more quietly because his booming laughter doesn’t join the chorus.
Every decision that would ordinarily involve consulting all four children’s schedules and desires is one more opportunity to count down two, skip one and go to my youngest. I never can remember that there are only three phone calls or texts to make. My heart hurts each time I don’t check in with Dominic.
Odd pieces of mail come in his name-leftover from mass mailing lists that have not yet been purged of deceased individuals. Still a little shocking, always sad, I carry it up the quarter mile to the house and lay it on top of the pile of other things that prove he once walked the earth.
Digging through the toolbox in the garage for a screwdriver and there’s that funny little part he took off a car years ago and tucked inside the drawer-just in case we could use it for something. I smell the grease and gas and feel him near.
Then my mind drags my heart back to reality and he’s gone again.
Dozens of moments make me miss him anew.
I’m not delusional.
I know he has run ahead to Heaven.
But my heart holds on to every shred of physical connection as long as it can.
And then he’s ripped from me all over again.
Dominic had a habit of managing to travel on his birthday and often into the summer months.
He’d jump at every opportunity to go here, there and everywhere.
He had the heart of an adventurer and life on our little farm in the middle of rural Alabama didn’t often offer the excitement his heart craved.
So just after his first year in Law School, he chose to study abroad for a short semester in the spring of 2013.
The rest of us gathered for the traditional Father’s Day photo with my husband and I thought it would be funny (and probably irritate Dom a bit) if I held up a photo of him as a two-year-old since he wasn’t there.
It WAS funny at the time.
And he saw it half way around the world and thought so too.
It popped up in my Facebook memories yesterday.
It’s not funny anymore.
Those broad smiles have been wiped right off our faces.
Because the ONLY way we can include Dominic in ANY family pictures anymore is with a photograph.
And while we’ve yet to have as many years between us as in the picture I held up that day, they’re coming (if we live and the Lord tarries).
I hate that.
I’m not sure when I began practicing this but I make a habit of telling people I love them even if it makes them uncomfortable.
I remember saying it to my granddaddy who never told anyone-as far as I know-that he loved them.
I spoke it over each child as soon as she or he was laid in my arms.
Growing up, I closed every telephone conversation with, “I love you” and taught my husband to do the same.
I also try hard to tell people other important things right when I think of them, instead of “later”-whenever THAT may be.
I’m so, so glad I do and I did.
I have many regrets about Dominic’s too-soon departure from this life.
But I don’t have this one: Unspoken words of love and affirmation.
The last time he was home, it was nearing final exams and I felt like I needed him to know how very proud I was of him and how very much I admired the man he had become. So I stopped him as he was leaving, turned his strong shoulders to face me square, and looked him in the eye to give him words of blessing.
I didn’t get to hold his hand as he left this life.
But I’m confident as he breathed his last, he knew he was loved.
Don’t wait to tell the people that are important to you that they ARE important to you.
Don’t save words for “next time”, “later” or “when we get together again”.
Just say it.
Now.
Right now.
In four days it will be four years.
Four years since I woke to the news that my son was dead.
Four years since what I thought was going to be my life was shattered.
Four years since I was forced to walk a road I do not want to travel.
Four years into the life I did not choose.
I’ve been thinking a lot about that lately which won’t surprise any bereaved parent reading this.
We think. A lot.
About what might have been. About what is. About what it might be like to live for years or decades still carrying the weight of missing.
One thing that surprises me about life as a grieving parent is how ordinary it remains. My world was shattered. But THE world was not shattered.
My family is a tiny drop in the sea of humanity and our up-close tragedy is not even on the radar in the larger scheme of things. If headlines about mass shootings drop to page ten in a week, how much more unlikely anyone but those intimately involved in our story will be thinking about it a month, a year, four years later?
All the things I had to do BEFORE Dominic left us I still have to do.
The grass grows, clothes get dirty, food must be prepared.
Friends have birthdays, holidays roll around, kids finish school, get married and have babies.
This juxtaposition of internal disarray with ordinary routine means I spend a great deal of energy bringing my attention around to what needs to be done instead of allowing my mind to wander down memory lane or explore “what-ifs” or “why-nots”.
Everything I do requires more energy than it used to. Everything takes more planning, more intentional action, more effort.
So I’m tired.
Four years in and I am. so. so. tired.
This surprises me too.
I thought I’d be better at it by now.
I’m not.
Time, by itself, does not heal the pain of child loss.
But time, plus the work grief requires, plus God’s grace poured out on my heart and in my life, does bring a measure of healing.
I did not believe that in the first months or even years. But I can testify to that truth today. It has been a slow and very painful process full of stops and starts, one step forward, two steps back.
Am I still very broken?
Absolutely!
Am I still limping?
YES!
Until the day I die I will never be the same.
But I have grown stronger and better able to carry this load of sorrow and God is helping me turn the ashes into something beautiful.
That something bears witness to my son, to my pain and to the truth that, with God’s help, I can endure faithfully to the end.
And God is no respecter of persons-He has not given me anything He will not pour out on every single heart that asks.
My prayer for each wounded reader is that you will feel the Father’s loving arms around you and that He will flood your broken heart with His grace, mercy and comfort.
❤
It’s my habit to watch the sunrise and the sunset every day.
I usually greet the morning in my rocking chair, looking out my east-facing picture window. It never gets old to watch darkness chased away by relentless light rising over the tops of trees.
Beautiful.
Every. Time.
Sunset is a little trickier.
I don’t have a clear view of the west from inside my house and the western edge of my property is peppered with tall trees so I usually only see the beginning of the end of every day. But one of my favorite things to do is watch the golden glow of lingering light touch the tops of the highest pines and then slip away as the sun sinks below the horizon.
Another day has come and gone.
And the days become weeks that become months that become years.
Sometimes the days are long.
But the years are short.
Some days bring news I don’t want to hear. Some bring shouts of rejoicing. Either way I’m not the keeper of my days. The sun neither rises nor sets at my bidding.
But I have choices in the daylight hours. I can work while the sun is shining or I can worry that it might set soon.
I can take advantage of the light or I can wring my hands anticipating the darkness.
I am not naive.
I wish I were.
I wish I didn’t know by experience how much a heart can long for days gone by, days wasted, days that could have held more love and laughter but were overshadowed by worry or hurry or just indifference.
So I watch the sunrise to remind me that TODAY is a gift. And I watch the sunset to remind me that the gift of today is gone forever.
What have I done with it? Who have I loved? Where have I placed my energy and purpose and hope?
Every day is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I never want to forget that.
Sunrise, sunset, Sunrise, sunset
Swiftly flow the days
Seedlings turn overnight to sunflowers
Blossoming even as we gaze
Sunrise, sunset, Sunrise, sunset
Swiftly fly the years
One season following another
Laden with happiness and tears~Sheldon Harnick
I can’t tell you how many people try to tell me what Dominic’s “legacy” is. They extol his positive virtues and comment on how many lives he touched in his short 23 years.
They want me to be consoled with the intangible, relational, immeasurable impact of his life on the lives of others.
Yet they continue to live as if their OWN legacy will be determined by the amount of stuff they acquire or the size of their retirement accounts or the money they leave behind for others to spend.
It can’t be both.
If my son’s life is worth remembering just because of who he was, the people he loved and how he lived, then EVERYONE’S life is worth remembering for the very same things.
Christmas is the one time a year when far-flung family members are often gathered around the same table. It’s an opportunity to make connections and build relationships.
So I ask myself, “Am I going to spend it talking about the weather and the news and other sundry things that won’t matter in a day, much less a year?”
OR, maybe I can choose to reach out, to ask deep questions, to make space for honest conversation and real sharing.
Maybe I can mend a broken relationship by offering a long-hoped-for apology, speaking aloud the offense and taking responsibility for the pain I’ve caused in the past.
Perhaps I can proclaim a REAL blessing-not just the one we memorized from grade school-over the food and over the heads of the people gathering to eat it.
Why am I glad they are there? TELL THEM!
Most of the presents under the tree will be consumed, broken, outgrown and tossed away one day. But meaningful words spoken in love and kindness will live forever in a person’s heart.
We all leave something behind.
We are all building a legacy.
This Christmas I’m asking myself, “What’s mine?”
thelifeididntchoose 