Bit By Bit: We Don’t Lose Them All at Once

I cannot speak for others but in my case, it seems that I did not lose Dominic all at once.

In fact, I’m still losing him.

Bit by bit, a little at a time, nearly molecule by molecule, his mark on my life, my walls, my world grows smaller.

Of course the space he occupies in my heart is safe-a mother’s heart grows larger with each birth and never shrinks again!

But in the physical world, the observable world, the world outside the safe sanctuary of my own soul-his presence THERE is fading.

And that’s it’s own brand of grief that must be recognized, felt, mourned and laid to rest.

fading-away

Every time Dominic SHOULD be here but ISN’T means another memory made without him, another photograph with a missing piece, another family milestone celebrated a bit more quietly because his booming laughter doesn’t join the chorus.

Every decision that would ordinarily involve consulting all four children’s schedules and desires is one more opportunity to count down two, skip one and go to my youngest.  I never can remember that there are only three phone calls or texts to make. My heart hurts each time I don’t check in with Dominic.

desimones uab family

Odd pieces of mail come in his name-leftover from mass mailing lists that have not yet been purged of deceased individuals.  Still a little shocking, always sad, I carry it up the quarter mile to the house and lay it on top of the pile of other things that prove he once walked the earth.

Digging through the toolbox in the garage for a screwdriver and there’s that funny little part he took off a car years ago and tucked inside the drawer-just in case we could use it for something.  I smell the grease and gas and feel him near.

Then my mind drags my heart back to reality and he’s gone again.

Dozens of moments make me miss him anew.

I’m not delusional.

I know he has run ahead to Heaven.

But my heart holds on to every shred of physical connection as long as it can.

And then he’s ripped from me all over again.any place we ever walked i miss you

 

Author: Melanie

I am a shepherd, wife and mother of four amazing children, three that walk the earth with me and one who lives with Jesus. This is a record of my grief journey and a look into the life I didn't choose. If you are interested in joining a community of bereaved parents leaning on the promises of God in Christ, please like the public Facebook page, "Heartache and Hope: Life After Losing a Child" and join the conversation.

7 thoughts on “Bit By Bit: We Don’t Lose Them All at Once”

  1. So true I feel this so often and yet I’m here. I am so heartbroken about all the things Robert has missed yet it seems like yesterday. It’s the sound of silence that is killing me😢 does anyone remember he existed I think not nobody says a word😢

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I feel the same agony and grief over our daughter’s passing and this week is especially hard. This time last year we were readying to evac our home in FL in advance of Hurricane Irma’s uninvited appearance. She and I were making plans of what we would do when her dad and I got up to AL. All the food I would cook and package for her. The talking, hugs…just being together again after her latest health scare. We found out after the fact that she was heading to the ER about the same time we got to our son’s house. As I lay down to nap, exhausted from the overlong drive up, Drs were working to save her life. She crashed 4 times in that 2 hrs and TOD was finally called at 10:35 am on the morning of 09/09/2017. We weren’t notified until 12:15 pm by one of her daughters who was finally notified. I will have the image of her empty shell for the rest of my days.
    Thank you for sharing your pain. As strange as it may seem it gives me comfort to know I am not the only one with a shattered heart, that I am not alone in this journey. Right now, knowing I am only a heartbeat away from her does bring comfort. 🙏🏻

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Sharing our grief is part of the bond we mom’s have. Wanted to let you know my heart hurts for you and your family. Praying that you encounter the peace of Jesus as you walk through the conclusion of this first year. Remember to be gentle with yourself.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Oh how I feel this all the time Melanie. I can’t bear that he’s slipping slowly but surely away from everyone. I clutch at the odd memories that some of his friends share occasionally via facebook.
    Last week one of his best friends married up in Scotland and I had a message that Luke had a mention in his speech…that was lovely xxx

    Liked by 2 people

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