I’m Just Tired Y’all

I realize yesterday’s post was somewhat out of character.

I was angry and hurt and utterly dumbfounded that another parent might take my words exactly as I wrote them (emphasis and all) and simply lift them out of context and plaster them across the Internet.

My heart is especially vulnerable right now.

My mother just died. It’s only been three weeks. And her death has reopened wounds I’d grown skilled at ignoring.

While I’ve been encouraged by many of you who understand the way I feel, I’ve also been hurt by many who seem to think that if I protect my intellectual property I’m petty and unkind.

So I’m just gonna put this out there-I’m tired, y’all. Worn out.

I’m more exhausted than I’ve been since the first year after Dominic ran ahead to Heaven.

The past two years have drained every ounce of reserve I had (and that wasn’t much).

This week has finished me off.

I’m not going to fight to try to get anyone who can’t understand to see my point of view. My debating days are over.

I might just lay the blog aside for awhile. I don’t really know right now.

So, “thank you” to everyone who has come along for the ride. Thank you to every heart that has reached across the miles or across cultures to comment and join in on the conversation. You have encouraged me more than you will ever know.

But I’m tapped out.

❤

Author: Melanie

I am a shepherd, wife and mother of four amazing children, three that walk the earth with me and one who lives with Jesus. This is a record of my grief journey and a look into the life I didn't choose. If you are interested in joining a community of bereaved parents leaning on the promises of God in Christ, please like the public Facebook page, "Heartache and Hope: Life After Losing a Child" and join the conversation.

61 thoughts on “I’m Just Tired Y’all”

  1. Hang in there, Melanie. Your posts have helped me so much. It will be 2 years November 2nd that i lost my only child, Kaitlyn, she was 8 and my best friend, my future, my world. It hasn’t gotten any easier, in fact I miss her even more. I’m an only child and she was my only child. It is now a very scary and lonely life. Please keep writing and posting, it does help. Hugs.

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    1. Jennifer,
      I am so very sorry for your pain. I think the missing intensifies over time because we realize not only what we had and no longer have but also what we will never have at all. Thank you for encouraging me even as your own heart is hurting. I won’t stop writing. I don’t really think I can-at least not now. I pray that the Lord gives you what you need to face each day and that you hear Him singing strength and love over your heart. ❤

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  2. Hi Melanie, I’ve just read your blog about stolen words and I totally understand how you feel. I write a monthly blog, I just can’t manage anymore than that as it drains me, and yet it gets it out my head (temporarily). I had my words stolen too and it made me angry, but then I realised that we are all feeling that our hearts are ripped out and maybe the words weren’t stolen from me, but that that person was feeling the same….their words just seemed to come in the same order as mine. I’m sorry for the loss of your mum. My mother died and then 3 years later my daughter died in horrific circumstances, she was 36 and super fit and expecting her first baby. I had just one hour to try and process that she was even in distress and in that hour I pleaded with God to “take me, not her”, but he chose her. I live on my own, have nothing left and wait for the day I can be with her. Give yourself time to Grieve for your mum and take time for yourself, unfortunately it won’t stop the thoughts in your head. When my daughter first died I thought I was literally going mad, and as time went on people were saying “You should be moving on now”…to what?….she was my next of kin, my ‘in case of emergency number’, everything. As you are ahead of me on this nightmare journey by several years, your blog helped me to realise that it’s ok to still be feeling the way I am after 3 years and what’s more I’m allowed to express it. Thank you Melanie.

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  3. Melanie,

    Your words have been such a blessing to us mothers that have lost our child. I am so very sorry for the recent loss of your mother. You are right there is only a very small veneer of energy that keeps us going. Thank you for sharing your heart and soul, for Dominic’s story, for the immeasurable value of your words. Rest in peace and knowledge of the gift that you are.

    Ryan’s mother forever, Denise

    *Denise*

    Denise Matthews deematt333@gmail.com 323-333-3355 Cell

    On Sun, Oct 20, 2019 at 2:42 PM thelifeididntchoose wrote:

    > Melanie posted: ” I realize yesterday’s post was somewhat out of > character. I was angry and hurt and utterly dumbfounded that another parent > might take my words exactly as I wrote them (emphasis and all) and simply > lift them out of context and plaster them across the” >

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  4. I will miss your absence, Melanie, but take all the time you need. We all understand. I can only speak for myself, but I want you to know you lift me up, even when your posts make me cry uncontrollably. May you… may we all… find peace.
    Mum misses you, Erik.

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  5. God bless you Melanie! You share so much of yourself and you truly help so many. I share your words as often as I can. Be strong dear momma and let it be. The ones that follow you know the truth. The ones that take your words as their own only wish that they could share so well. You have helped me through my journey the last 3 years and I am so thankful. Hold onto that. We know better. Keep uplifting those that truly need you.

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  6. Melanie, Your words have helped me and countless others. Thank you,thank you and thank you. I will be here when you return. Remember the demons will never give up, but we must support and keep strong with each other. Hugs and love.

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  7. I completely understand…I understand being tapped out, drained. All of it…I’m so sorry for the loss of your precious Mom…it’s so hard especially after loosing your son…it’s all so close to your heart and sacred space…I also completely understand feeling angry for others to take your words and print them as coming from them. I would feeling angry too. Your words have brought me much comfort and also they help me understand some of the surreal feelings I have had since my oldest child at age 23 died just over 3 years ago. Your words have helped me make sense of this gut wrenching pain of loosing my Son. I thought I knew what sorrow felt like…Then my Son died and I realized …
    I. Had. No. Clue.
    Your words have also helped me with helping my 2 other living children with the pain in their hearts.
    So thank you. For all your healing words. All your efforts…I see you. And I thank you.

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    1. I am so very sorry for your pain and your loss. Thank you for encouraging me and sharing how the blog has helped your heart hold onto hope. I have a special concern for siblings and am thankful some of the posts hit home for you too. May the Lord give you strength for each day . ❤

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  9. Melanie,
    I am so sorry someone plagiarized your work. Had he/she asked to use your words or acknowledged your work, you would feel differently. You are a brilliant, prolific, writer and I truly look forward to your posts, but I also know one can become overwhelmed by circumstances. I write a blog myself, but my writing is rather sporadic. I admire someone as disciplined as you who can write on a daily basis. I love words, but there are days when I find it difficult to string a complete sentence together. Rest, my friend, and take your writing up again when you are able. Your work will be missed by our community. Hugs to you❤️.

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    1. Thank you for understanding. Writing is a hard discipline. And I have underestimated the additional strain on my heart, mind and emotions my mama’s death has created. I deeply appreciate your encouragement! ❤

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  10. I’m so sorry Melanie. Sadly,losing a child does not exempt us from other griefs and hurts. Sometimes it’s more than our already broken hearts can take. It sounds like it’s time for you to lay the blog down for a while and take some time for rest and self care. You’ll know if and when it’s rime to take it up again. Thank you for the blessing you have been to me. I’m still sorry our little get together in Tennessee didn’t happen, but maybe you need a holiday in Australia. Get RIGHT away from it all…???

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    1. I’d love to join you in Australia. I’m sorry we missed one another too. Thank you for always encouraging me, Rhyl. You are a true friend and great treasure. ❤

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  11. I want to encourage you and let you know you are being covered in prayer. Your messages have been so helpful to me and my daughter, as their baby girl died about 4 mo ago from SIDS. I also lost my mom this past January. Rest well dear one. You are precious to God, and your ministry is valuable. Becky C

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    1. Thank you. Every prayer is appreciated and I am confident the Lord is honoring them. May you and your daughter feel the Father’s loving arms around you and may He overwhelm your hearts with His grace and mercy. I am so, so sorry for your pain and your loss. ❤

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  12. Melanie, your blog is the best thing I have read on grief, hands down. I’m amazed at how many times you write exactly what I’m feeling (maybe because we both lost handsome young sons with so much potential in life). Maybe your writing deserves a new home in a book. Is it harder to steal words from a book? I’m not sure? I know if your writing were in a book it would be at home on my nightstand and be worn and tear stained. It sounds like you deserve a break. Yes, we will all miss you, but you need to take care of yourself first! I always tell those grieving be kind to yourself! I’m so sorry people posted hurtful words. I love your writings and your caring ❤️ heart you show to all the grieving souls. I pray for you and your family often! You have been a light in the dark forest of grief.

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    1. What beautiful, kind words! Thank you so very much! I suppose it would be a bit harder to steal words from a book-at least they’d have to type them out! You aren’t the first person to suggest that. I might pursue it eventually. Thank you for the grace. May the Lord give you the strength you need each day and may He overwhelm your heart with His grace and mercy. ❤

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  14. I understand—October is the worst month for me; My mom’s birthday, death and funeral, my son’s death and funeral on the anniversary of my mom’s death and his death on his wife’s birthday. Your posts have been a blessing for me, especially when I am worn out from the struggled of this life. I do hope you continue to post and inspire. I want to share this song, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUEy8nZvpdM. Yes, I am worn, and I know that you are too.

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    1. You’ve helped me so much the last few years I found your posts my son will be gone 6 years this Nov 14th. I’m tired too so I feel your pain. I need to fill my tank also but I really hope you continue to share your thoughts but I understand if you need some time for yourself but know you’ll be missed by many of us moms who also didn’t choose this life 😞🙏♥️

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      1. I think I will be able to put a daily post out by using some of my old ones-I’ve got over 1000 from which to choose. Thank you for the kind and encouraging words. I pray the Lord makes His Presence very real to you each day in a way that encourages your heart. ❤

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    2. “Worn” has been on repeat the past couple of days. Thank you! I have the chorus typed out, printed and posted around my home-including my bathroom mirror. Don’t we all want to see redemption win? I know it will. What a glorious Day that will be!! ❤

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  15. I so understand your exhaustion and need to recharge. I have read your blog for only a few months, but so many times what you had written was exactly what I needed. I have been walking this grief road for a lot of years, never able to voice much of my grief. With every post, you touch someone, Melanie, me included. You have a gift, never doubt it. So take your time, regroup, especially rest and hug your family tight. You have endured a lot these past weeks, rest in our Heavenly Father’s arms. He will restore and show you in due time what is next for you. You are in my heart and prayers.

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    1. So, so kind and encouraging! Thank you for taking time to speak love and hope to my heart. May the Lord give you what you need each day to endure and to hold onto hope. ❤

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  17. I’ve only been in this sad life for 3 months and your blog has been very helpful. I hope your soul finds rest and you can soon return to what you do so well. Losing our Mother is a different kind of grief that we never completely heal from. When added to the grief of losing Dominic you have been especially hard hit. Prayers.

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  18. I’m so sorry someone has stolen your words. They always are so well thought out and speak to my broken heart. I can’t imagine the hurt you have from this but I certainly understand. You’ve revealed your heart with total openness laying it all out for everyone to see. It’s like they stole your heart.

    As you know, I blog too. I’ve received hurtful messages and they effect my ability to write, something I struggle with to begin with. When I wrote about my best friend’s death, I was horrified when others said it’s not as bad as your child’s death. But it hit me like a ton bricks. I stopped writing for several months because of that. I’m still not writing that much. The wind was taken out my sails.

    To me, it sounds like you need a break, take it. You need it. It’s all good and necessary. Blessings to you my friend. Bear hugs.

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    1. I feel that to compare grief is so unfair. Yes it is different when you lose a child. It is out of the natural order and cannot be explained. However, I believe that grief is grief and when you lose someone you love nothing can compare.

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      1. Each grief and each heart is unique. I DO think child loss is particularly brutal because it’s out of order. One thing I’m learning is that grief upon grief is also brutal. I love how everyone here is kind and gracious, making space for all the broken hearts. ❤

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    2. Thank you, Roger. As usual you are honest and insightful. I personally feel that every grief I’ve incurred since Dominic died is cumulative as well as its own separate blow. My heart is so fragile that each pounding hammer stroke hurts more and it takes longer to recover. ❤

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  19. Like others said, you’ve shown the ability to put words to our grieving hearts. I’ve often found myself nodding along to a post you’ve written. I’m sorry someone took your writing and appropriated it. I’d like to hope it was not deliberate or malicious, but maybe that person didn’t really care, but wanted to appear profound.

    Your mother’s death most certainly has affected your outlook and heart. I pray you don’t forever stop journaling and sharing, I’d miss it. And you’ve been a huge help in MY grief journey.

    Nancy, Dale’s mama

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  20. I am so sorry! I will miss your writings. I will miss them very much. I have forwarded many of these to family and friends and have hoped they would join in our pain. Gods grace and blessings to you, your writings have been saved for me to go back and revisit. You have guided me, helped me in my sorrow, and given me courage to live on. I will remember Dominic always.

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  21. Melanie, I have prayed for you daily, you and your family, since I first learned of your blog and started following you. I felt like what you wrote yesterday about the “stolen words” was exactly what needed to be said. I am sorry if others thought it was petty. I can only imagine the wounds of grief that have been opened since your mother’s death and the emotional and physical exhaustion you are feeling. I pray you will find the rest and solace you are needing and that you seek. I pray you find encouragement in knowing how many people, many of us having never met in person, love and care for you. I pray you will feel the support and care that is surrounding you. I pray for you peace. I thank God for you, for the deep impact you have made and continue to make on my life and in the lives of the many whom I counsel and whom I know follow you and pray for you.

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    1. A beautiful prayer and great gift, Stephanie! Thank you so much for lifting me to the Throne of Grace. I am convinced that the prayers of others have given me courage and strength many days. ❤

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  22. You are a special person who has inspired me and so many others to bring our sorrows to the Lord. You help me to pray and put into words what I feel in my heart. You deserve rest and space. Please don’t give up though. You are in my prayers💗

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  23. You have been a lifeline, Melanie….an absolute lifeline. I encourage you to take whatever steps you need to protect your broken heart. But as you ponder your life since Dominic’s death, never question for one moment the difference you have made to so many. This is both your legacy and, ironically, a part of Dominic’s too. Peace. ❤️🙏

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    1. Thank you. It is ironic that this is part of Dominic’s legacy as well. He was a communications major in undergraduate studies and he actually had a lot of influence on helping me write more concisely. I think of that most days when I’m writing. I appreciate the encouragement! ❤

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  24. You are a savior to many.
    You have allowed us to love and cherish your son by seeing your abiding love for him.
    You have every right to be disappointed, hurt, and upset. You are sharing all of you with us – but you will always choose light over darkness and love over all. You are the reason I am okay … and all of us get through with your words . Its okay to be tired. But I know Dominic will keep inspiring his momma to share her light with the broken hearted. Peace and prayers to you.

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  25. Since finding your blog it has never ceased to amaze me how you have found the wherewithal to write your deepest thoughts and publish them. You are an inspiration Melanie and to uphold that day and day out had taken courage and commitment.

    You deserve to take the time to grieve your mama. It was bound to throw you back to the dark days after Dominic went ahead.

    You will never be far from my thoughts and prayers. Sending love across the ocean dear one. Peace be with you ❤❤❤

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  26. Thank you for sharing your honest, brave, and open heart with those of us who wanted and needed to feel a connection. Your words bring so much out in the open that many of us may be hiding deep inside…emotions that need/needed to be dealt with over time.

    Now, it’s your time to receive the blessings from others. Receive it, fill yourself with the love and compassion and empathy of others, and soon you will be reflecting God’s love to others who need to see and hear it. I love you, and God loves you, too, Melanie.

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  27. Melanie, your feelings are valid. Someone stole your work. Having just said, “Good-bye” to your Mom adds to the grief when you are trying to do something good. Take all the time away that you need to heal. Your words have encouraged me. To know that someone else knows the pain of the sudden death of a talented son, well, it just helped me understand that I am not alone. May you find peace and rest.

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  28. Melanie….dear Melanie…. your posts have gotten me through the last 3 years I’ve been grieving the death of my 23 year daughter, Katie. You have been given a great gift by God of putting on paper the feelings breaking all of our hearts. I am so sorry you now are dealing with the loss of you mom…..💔 I have buried both of parents, my husband at age 49 and then my 23 year old daughter in 2016. I am so glad to have found your blog…. “The Life I Didn’t Choose.” I could read many of them over and over and over and find encouragement each time. So take a short break, my dear sister in Christ…. not too long though.❤️ Pick up that book you have been wanting to read…. and just enjoy it for yourself. Draw near to God and He will give you comfort and peace during this sad time. We love you!

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    1. I am so sorry for your compounded loss and pain. Thank you for reaching out and encouraging me! I am leaning into truth and resting with my Shepherd. He will lead me to green pastures and restore my soul. ❤

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  29. Melanie, I love your blog. You always touch on so much that I identify with. Just keep putting it out there and we’ll ignore the negative stuff, even though I know it is hard not to take it personally. Take some time for you and your family as that will help soothe your soul. Trust God in all this. I know you do. Take deep breaths as needed. I’m covering you in my prayers.

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