Melanie

The Power and Peril of Story

I went to see The Greatest Showman a few years ago with my daughter. It was an amazing film-I was drawn into the story and my heart longed to see where it was going and how it would end.

I highly recommend it for two hours of uplifting entertainment.

But it got me thinking.

So I did a little digging into P.T. Barnum’s REAL life story.

As you might imagine, several liberties were taken with actual history in order to create what I saw on the screen. That’s really just fine. I knew what I was getting into when I plunked my money down for the ticket. I had no illusion that I was walking into a history lecture- I understood I was there to be entertained.

When I compared the actual Barnum life story to the tidy, beautiful, uplifting and wonderfully scored musical I had seen in the theater, I found gaping holes.

And most of the holes involved the hard and ugly parts of his story-the parts people don’t like to talk about, much less live through.

While leaving them out or glossing them over with a moment or two of wistful glances for the movie is exactly what I expect from Hollywood, it can condition hearts to expect the same kind of thing in real life.

But real life stories don’t skip over the hard parts.

Real people have to live through the ugly and the painful and the devastating and the doubt and the sorrow. We don’t get to hop right to the happy ending (if there even IS a happy ending) nor do we get to whitewash the dark truths that inform our experience.

And because we prefer tidy (and happy) endings, bright and sunny days, encouraging and uplifting stories, when we are face to face with a challenging and difficult reality, we often turn away.

If we don’t hear it, it doesn’t matter.

If we don’t look, it didn’t happen.

If we wait long enough in our safe cocoon, someone else will deal with it.

Sometimes those of us in the middle of hard stories try to ignore it. But busyness and distraction do not make bad times better. Maybe for a moment, but not in the long run.

We’ve got to learn to experience it all, tell it all, be honest about how dark the path, how difficult the journey.

And those who are on the sunny side of the street need to learn to lean into friendship, cross over and offer compassionate companionship to those who are struggling.

Because sooner or later, it will be all of us.

we will all struggle and fall brene brown

Our Hearts are Home Spring Conference: Won’t You Join Me?

It took me a long time before I wanted to gather in a room with other bereaved parents.

My son’s death had undone me and I had no capacity for other people’s raw grief where I might not have an escape.

I wish I hadn’t been so reluctant and waited so long because what I found when I finally walked into the in-person community of other moms and dads who shared my loss, it was life giving, uplifting and utterly amazing.

So I want to extend an invitation to fellow broken hearts who hope for hope:

WHO? Bereaved parent & grandparents, and anyone who wants to better know how to comfort a grieving friend

WHAT? Our Hearts Are Home Spring Conference

WHEN? April 25-26, 2025

WHERE? Online or In Person

(If you can’t come on those days, you’ll receive all of the session recordings that remain available for two weeks following the conference.)

Read the session details and register at: https://ourheartsarehome.org/spring-conference

I’ll be sharing in a main sessions and participating in breakout sessions. AND there will be many opportunities to chat informally around meals and other unstructured times.

This is NOT your typical “Christian Conference” where what’s shared is memorized and rehashed in city after city. This is a unique opportunity to interact with parents who are walking the same broken road as you and are willing to reveal the ups and downs, ins and outs of navigating child loss. (My husband will be there too, bereaved dads!)

The cost is minimal although I know travel expenses may make attending in person out of the question for some of y’all. (Online option available!)

I would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to meet (in the flesh!) anyone who has joined me here online.

You have no idea how often your words of encouragement have helped me hold onto hope.

So if you can, join us.

You may be nervous up to the very minute you show up or log on but I PROMISE you will not regret it.

See you there!

Called to Love and Serve

We just moved through the feel-good season of Christmas where we look with awe on baby Jesus, cute and cuddly in swaddling clothes, surrounded by His loving parents.

But what most moderns miss is that even in His birth, His death was foretold.

The manger was most likely hewn from stone, as was His tomb. And while the wise men’s gifts were costly and appropriate, they not only spoke of His kingship, they also included myrrh which was used for embalming the dead.

Jesus came to live so that He could die.

Both His life and his death are models for my own.

Every day of ministry was a day of self-denial-a pouring out of life onto and into the ones He came to serve.

And if anyone-if ANY. ONE.-could have lifted Himself above those who presented their brokenness like offerings at His feet, He certainly could. Not only was He without sin, He was God Himself in the flesh.

But look how gently Jesus welcomed the lost and lonely. See the compassion of the Good Shepherd for His confused sheep. Notice the love and kindness as He gathered the children around Him.

THIS is my example.

I am most certainly not above my Master.

I am called to love and serve as He did-not in a condescending way that says, “I am helping you because I am better than you.” But in a way that says, “I am helping you because I AM you.”

I have nothing I did not receive. I have nothing to give except from the bounty of my Lord.

My heart is just as broken as the next heart.

We all need His touch.

Wounded Faith

It is possible to go through life without having to question your faith.

But I’m not sure that is a good thing.

Although I would never, ever have chosen this path, child loss has forced me to entertain questions I might have ignored and to dig deeper than I might otherwise have done if life had been easier and less challenging.

My faith is not blind faith.

My faith is not unchallenged faith.

I am facing the fact that terrible things happen even to those who love and trust God. I will not parrot empty phrases that promise smooth sailing to new converts if they will “only turn their lives over to Jesus”.

I don’t even know where we get that idea. Every single disciple was martyred except John and he was boiled in oil and exiled to the Isle of Patmos.

There are faithful believers starving TODAY, dying TODAY and suffering TODAY.

Why should I be exempt?

‘No heart is as whole as a broken heart.’ And I paraphrase it differently: No faith is as pure as a wounded faith because it is faith with an open eye. I know all the elements of the situation; I know all the reasons why I shouldn’t have faith. I have better arguments against faith than for faith. Sure, it’s a choice. And I choose faith.

~Elie Wiesel

Dear One, You Are Braver Than You Think

Child loss is not the only devastating life circumstance that can make a person want to hide in bed.

Every single day, broken hearts, broken bodies and limping spirits open their eyes to the dawn and choose to get up and get going.

If that is you, I want you to know this:

You are strong.

You are brave.

You are not invisible.

You may never be recognized in this life for the heroic struggle you face every day but it counts.

Endurance is triumph.

Perseverance is conquest.

Choosing brave in the face of fear is victory.

fear is what we feel brave is what we do

I Can Choose to Step Back and Not React

It is possible not to react to every single thing someone says or does. It is possible to scroll past social media posts that get under your skin and not look back. It is possible to ignore a snarky comment or an unhelpful piece of advice from someone who ACTS like they know what you’re going through but really has. no. idea.

Now if you are new on this journey, you will read these first few lines and think, “Is this woman crazy????”

I felt EXACTLY the same way in the first months and even through the first couple years in this Valley.

But, I will tell you this: the sooner you can embrace the habit of practicing the pause, the sooner you will begin to feel like you have some control in your world again.

And isn’t that one of the things we crave after the tsunami of child loss sweeps over our lives-order, control, a sense of purpose and direction?

It’s hard.

Really, really hard not to react against every arrow shot into my wounded heart. Even when I know it was an accident and the offense is collateral damage, it still hurts.

But I’ve found that if I just take a single, deep breath I can put a bit of distance between the oomph of the impact and my reaction. And there is actually power in choosing to ignore offense.

Because then I am in control, not the person lobbing the arrows.

So what do I do in the split-second it takes to draw in that preparatory breath? I consider the source. I think (quickly) about my ongoing relationship with this person, what’s happening in THEIR life and why they might have said or done what they said or did.

Is it ignorance? Is it sloppy choice of words? Is it due to stress in his life? Is she just worn out and not thinking?

And I decide: is reacting to THIS particular exchange worth damaging the relationship?

Is it worth the negative emotional energy that I will have to expend?

Is it something I can overlook and move past?

Most of the time the answer is, “yes”. I CAN let it go. It’s not that big of a deal. It is not a fair representation of our relationship and it is certainly not worth ruining a friendship.

I’m not just doing THEM a favor. I’m doing ME a favor.

I’m not “letting them off the hook”. I may actually revisit the issue later on, when emotions aren’t running high.

But I have learned that I only have so much emotional energy to expend in this Valley. So much of it is already absorbed in carrying the missing and sorrow and reining in my own outrageous feelings that I just don’t need to waste the rest on trivial things.

So I don’t (most of the time).

Practicing the pause helps me do that.

It gives me control.

There is far too little of that this side of child loss.

So I will take what I can get.

New Year’s [Non] Resolutions

It’s popular to adopt resolutions for the new year.

There’s something about a fresh calendar that makes a heart hopeful for reformation.

But I’ve learned that most meaningful alterations in habit or character happen when I’m faced with circumstances that squeeze me into the chute of change and force it upon me.

So while I love, love, love a clean page, I don’t fool myself into thinking that anything I write here is likely to motivate me out of my comfortable ruts.

Still, in the tradition of hopeful anticipation, I am going to share some things I’d LIKE to reach for while also building in grace for when I fall short.

Here’s my list of [non]resolutions:

Write new blog posts-here and on http://heartacheandhope.org. Even after more than a decade of walking this path, there are fresh insights, challenges and blessings that I want to share with others.
Set aside and protect one day a week for complete rest from chores-both in my home and for ministry. This was a habit many years ago and I miss it desperately.
Do one creative thing (other than writing!) each day. I enjoy making things and I will squeeze out this important life-affirming act in favor of less important busy work waaayyy too often.
Send more cards and letters. Seriously, why don’t we do this anymore? Grabbing the mail when it included personal notes was so much more fun.
Walk (or go to our local fitness center) most days each week. (To be honest, this is something I already do but I want it here to remind me.)
Read at least two books a month. I used to read two books (or more!) a WEEK but since Dominic ran ahead to Heaven, my attention span is just not what it used to be. My habit has always been to have one work of fiction and one non-fiction book going at the same time. I give myself bonus points when they share themes.
Limit social media to designated periods each day to make room for these more intentional pursuits. I am SO thankful that through Facebook and other sites I am able to communicate with bereaved parents, friends and family. It makes sharing easier and helps my heart on hard days. But mindless scrolling is a time-stealer and I’m just as likely to come across something that upsets me as uplifts me.
Organize some of my own writing into printable format for sharing on http://heartacheandhope.org and (maybe?) FINALLY in book form.
Continue challenging myself to look to the Author and Finisher of my faith, trusting Him to hold onto me when I’ve lost strength(and, frankly) to hold onto Him.

I know right now that like most folks, two weeks into the new year I’ll have already missed the mark.

And that’s OK.

I learned a long time ago that life doesn’t go as planned or even as hoped for many days.

But I’m willing to work at making it more purposeful and beautiful regardless.

Maybe if you’ve been feeling aimless and hopeless, my list will inspire you to make your own and try to do the same.

Don’t let it become your master, though. Don’t let the times you miss your own mark to lead you to feeling defeated. Don’t let the enemy accuse or shame you.

New Year or not, you are still carrying a heavy load called “child loss” that makes every effort more difficult.

So do the best you can and celebrate any victories.

Grace abounds, my sweet friend, grace abounds.

Facing Another New Year: A Prayer for Hurting Hearts

Some of us enter trembling through the door of a new year.

This last year wasn’t so good and our hearts are broken.

What if the next year is worse? How will we manage? Where can we hide from bad news, bad outcomes, disastrous trauma?

Truth is, we can’t.

So here we are, bravely marching in, hanging on to hope and begging God for mercy.

Read the rest here: New Year’s Prayer for Hurting Hearts

New Year’s Eve 2024: Auld Lang Syne

We don’t know what tomorrow will bring. We plot and plan and hope and dream but in the end we have very little control over how our story ultimately plays out.

So we are left each New Year’s Eve with some good memories, some not so good ones and some we cling to like gold from a treasure chest because they are all we have.

Should auld acquaintance be forgot and days of auld lang syne?

Never.

Read the rest here: New Year’s Eve and Auld Lang Syne

Heartache and Hope: Retreats for Moms 2025

There’s an old adage: Misery loves company.

I’m not sure that’s really true.

What I think misery longs for is compassionate companionship.

I think broken hearts need to know they are not alone, that they are not an aberration and that deep sorrow is an appropriate response to profound loss.

What I think folks sitting in darkness need is someone to light a candle and remind them that the night won’t last forever.

That’s why I founded Heartache and Hope, the ministry.

If you visit the website, you’ll see one of my very favorite quotes:

People who have come to know the joy of God do not deny the darkness, but they choose not to live in it. They claim that the light that shines in the darkness can be trusted more than the darkness itself and that a little bit of light can dispel a lot of darkness. They point each other to flashes of light here and there, and remind each other that they reveal the hidden but real presence of God.

― Henri J.M. Nouwen, quote from The Return of the Prodigal Son: A Story of Homecoming

And that is why I am offering four retreats for bereaved moms in 2025.

These are small, intimate gatherings of six to eight moms at my family’s property in the panhandle of Florida offered free of charge to those who come.

Bereaved moms can join me in a quiet, rural setting for a weekend of rest, renewal and restoration through fellowship, study of God’s Word and unfettered sharing of our hearts, our stories and our children.

The theme is “Broken Into Beautiful: Inviting Hope to Heal Our Hearts”.

I’ve had a decade to think about and design the kind of gathering I would have benefited from early on in this journey. We begin on Thursday evening (instead of the traditional Friday evening) to give us additional space and time to get to know one another, to develop relationship and to grow toward trust which promotes profound and breakthrough sharing which leads to healing growth.

I have no illusions.

One weekend is not going to put the pieces back together but one weekend can provide the inspiration and confidence that the pieces can be put back together.

We will never be unblemished or unbroken but we can be beautiful again.

Our stories are part of THE story-the story that God is writing not only for us but for all eternity.

Jesus is our Shepherd King who longs to bind up our wounds.

Mercy and goodness don’t just follow us-they chase us down, overtake us and weave the broken bits into a beautiful testimony of love and faithfulness-if we let them.

Are you ready to bring your heart to the table of grace where hope can begin to heal it?

Then join me for one of these retreats.

I’m praying already for the moms God will invite and for the work Holy Spirit will do.

Be brave.

Available dates are: February 6-9, 2025; May 1-4, 2025; August 7-10, 2025; October 9-12, 2025.

Details here: https://www.heartacheandhope.org/

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