Tag: grief

Lenten Reflections: Making Room for Spiritual Hunger

“Revelations are often followed by trials. Perhaps they are preparation for them.” ~Alicia Britt Chole

My greatest trial has been the sudden death of my son, Dominic.

Just before he was killed in April, 2014 I wrapped up a multi-year slow walk through Scripture. What began as a discipline intended to force my heart to really focus and digest words I’d read so often they had (in some ways) become stale, ended up with me copying out nearly every chapter of the Bible into my journals.

I learned so much, received so much and was full to the brim of revelation and truth.

That was a good thing because when Dom died it was a long time before I could open my Bible on a regular basis and feast on the Word.

But my heart was still full and I was able to hold fast to hope that had been planted, nurtured and strengthened in the years before.

Today’s fast is a familiar one.

Most adults have skipped a meal for one reason or another. Don’t let this skipped meal fall into the “have to”, “hope to lose a few pounds” or “holier than thou” category those might have been.

Instead try this (as suggested in the book): In the time you would have eaten the meal you are fasting, read Revelation 22:1-16 and then read verse 17 slowly several times.

Allow your physical hunger to inform a spiritual longing for our Bridegroom.

**As promised, I am sharing thoughts on 40 DAYS OF DECREASE (a Lenten journal/devotional). If you choose to get and use the book yourself, I’ll be a day behind in sharing so as not to influence anyone else’s experience.**

Lenten Reflections: Refusing To Speed Past Sorrow

There are several recorded incidents where Jesus withdrew seeking solitude and solace. 

One of them is upon hearing of John’s beheading at the hands of Herod. 

If we accept that our Shepherd was a perfect model in all things  (and I do!) then this is a model for dealing with sorrow and loss. 

There have been specific individuals instructed by the Lord to ignore mourning  (always for a prophetic purpose) but the general  pattern in Scripture is to make room for the necessary work of processing grief.

So today’s fast is speeding past sorrow.

So often those of us who have wounded hearts are pushed by ourselves, by friends and family, and by a “look on the bright side” society to rush past our sorrow and sadness. But that is not only futile, it’s unhealthy.

While time, by itself, does not heal all wounds.  Time is a necessary component of healing.

As much as we might wish it otherwise, there is no speedy way to wrap up the bits of a broken heart.  Speeding past sorrow only means it festers, not that it is magically erased or truly forgotten. 

It has been brutal, time-consuming and energy-intensive to force my heart to sit with the sorrow of Dominic’s death. 

But every moment and every effort has borne fruit.

Jesus said, “Truly, truly I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it remains alone. But if it dies, it bears much fruit.” (John 12: 24)

In many ways active grieving is it’s own kind of death and that may be why we often run from it.

Bring to mind the names and faces of loved ones who have died.  What deposits did they make in your life?  How did you feel when you first learned of their deaths?…Today, honor the losses  in your life.  Instead of speeding past sadness, slow down and be present to your emotions. With Jesus, sit with your sorrow and let loss do its eternal work in your soul.

Alicia Britt Chole

Some of us are very vocal with our grief and some suffer in silence. 

Either is perfectly normal. 

The important thing is to face it.

**As promised, I am sharing thoughts on 40 DAYS OF DECREASE (a Lenten journal/devotional).  If you choose to get and use the book yourself, I’ll be a day behind in sharing so as not to influence anyone else’s experience.**

Lenten Reflections: Making Space For REAL Light

Today’s fast is artificial light.

Without reading ahead I kind of stepped on today’s reflection. Chole describes John’s prison questions this way: “the distance between what John thought Jesus would do and what Jesus actually did was straining John’s certainty of who Jesus was.”

Oh, my! How well I can identify with this feeling!

I’ve told anyone who will listen that when Dominic was killed I dragged a lifetime of what I thought I knew and understood about God into the light of child loss. It absolutely strained my certainty of who Jesus is.

And my questions made some folks uncomfortable just as John’s question makes some Bible teachers uncomfortable.

Too often we want to shush or shout down the hearts that are simply trying to make some sense of things that neither make sense nor seem (on the surface) to reflect the loving heart of a Faithful Father.

A key invitation of our spiritual journeys is to be emotionally honest about our uncertainties. Questions such as the one asked by John are signs of a living, growing, active faith, not evidence of a dying one. Jesus’ calm response to John echoes to us today: ‘Recall what I have done in the past. Accept me as the Great I Am of your future.’

Alicia Britt Chole

Hebrews chapter 11 is known as the “Hall of Faith”.

For today’s Lenten exercise, Chole suggests laying aside screens and electric lights to read that chapter by candlelight this evening.

I highly recommend it! Do it aloud if you are able.

Speaking the names, the circumstances, the journeys of those whose hearts trusted the heart of the Lord who made them and who led them but who also allowed hardship, disappointment and even death, is breathtaking and heartbreaking.

But it puts my life in context of His bigger story.

Redemption, restoration, re-creation and the ultimate Sabbath rest of eternal glory and perfect relationship.

God needs nothing, asks nothing and demands nothing, like the stars. It is life with God which demands these things…. You do not have to sit outside in the dark. If, however you want to look at the stars, you will find that the darkness is necessary. But the stars neither require it nor demand it.

Annie Dillard

**As promised, I am sharing thoughts on 40 DAYS OF DECREASE (a Lenten journal/devotional). If you choose to get and use the book yourself, I’ll be a day behind in sharing so as not to influence anyone else’s experience.**

Lenten Reflections: Refusing to Collect Praise

Today’s fast is “collecting praise”.

He must become greater; I must become less.

John 3:30

Most of us are familiar with John the Baptist’s words uttered when Jesus approached him to be baptized. Sometimes we fail to connect that confident assurance to the frightened plea he sent by way of his own disciples while in Herod’s prison.

I don’t doubt John’s sincerity when he uttered those words. But I know circumstances can make walking faithfully in the light of truth harder than one might imagine.

Life has made me very aware of the difference between a one time proclamation and ongoing affirmation of that assertion.

The author of 40 DAYS OF DECREASE uses words from Corrie Ten Boom’s authorized biography to illustrate how we might choose to use a platform God grants us (due to fame, position, personal charisma, etc.) as a window to show others the person and work of Jesus Christ. It’s a beautiful and sweet story of Corrie “collecting praise each day and offering it as a bouquet to Jesus” each night.

The implication is that Corrie was completely unaffected by the limelight shone on her and her ministry.

But there are other sources that say Corrie was as human as the rest of us-she could be obstinate and insistent on things being HER way.

She could use her fame as an excuse for special treatment.

I’m not sharing this to dishonor Corrie-she is an amazing woman of God and lived a life that brought Him glory! I’m sharing to point out that it’s a lot harder than one might think to not fall prey to the trap of human admiration. (Just look at the recently revealed situation with Ravi Zacharias.)

I know I purpose to turn any praise I receive away from myself and toward the One who enables, keeps and strengthens me.

But there’s a corner of my heart that sure enjoys hearing it, enjoys getting “likes” and “shares” on social media and (embarrassingly) keeps track of such things.

How tempting it is to gather up the flattering words of others that tickle our ears and inflate our egos! But truth is, any grace I possess, any goodness I may do, any talent I may exercise is a gift from God. And He deserves the praise.

So this fast is a good one.

Because when I begin to scrape together and pile up the praise of men, I lose sight of my purpose. I forget that everything I have is given in trust by the Savior of my soul.

My sole reason for walking this earth is to share the Good News of Jesus Christ.

Lent helps me remember that.

*I am sharing thoughts on 40 DAYS OF DECREASE (a Lenten journal/devotional). If you choose to get and use the book yourself, I’ll be a day behind in sharing so as not to influence anyone else’s experience.*

Lenten Reflections : Letting Go of Regret to Make Space For Growth

Today’s fast is regrets.

That means learning to let go of past mistakes, missed opportunities, woulda/coulda/shoulda.

Because the truth is no one lives backwards.

It’s helpful to reflect on how past actions might have influenced present conditions but it is crippling to hold those thoughts and feelings so close that there’s no room for new ones.

Every one of the disciples ended up being less brave than they had sworn to be. Each carried a heart wound that could have stopped them from fruitful ministry after Jesus rose.

They might have allowed regret to bind them to the past but they didn’t.

Regret empties anticipation, flattens dreams and suffocated hope, because regret is a form of self-punishment. Whereas hindsight lets us learn from the past, regret beats us up with the past.

Alicia Britt Chole

There is no more fertile ground for regrets to flourish than surviving the death of a child (or anyone you love).

It’s even more tempting when the person leaves suddenly, unexpectedly and without any opportunity to at least say, “goodbye”. When Dominic was killed instantly in a motorcycle accident I woke to a world where there would never be a chance to say anything that hadn’t already been said.

It was devastating.

But it’s not helpful to rehearse what I might have said or done if I knew the last time I saw him would be The. Last. Time.

Instead I have to live forward, embrace lessons learned from my past without allowing them to destroy me.

The Lord’s mercies are “new every morning”.

I want to embrace them every sunrise emptied of yesterday’s regrets.

I can face today confident that the Lord who made me will mold me and use me even when I haven’t always (or even often) made the best choices. ❤

*I am sharing thoughts on 40 DAYS OF DECREASE (a Lenten journal/devotional). If you choose to get and use the book yourself, I’ll be a day behind in sharing so as not to influence anyone else’s experience.*

Lenten Reflections: Letting Go To Make Space For Love

Letting go to make space for love is the only true fast.

I have observed Lent off and on for decades.

It’s an opportunity to set aside time and dedicate effort to thinking deeply about the current state of my spiritual life as well as refocus my heart’s affections on my Shepherd Savior King.

Faith, in general, is less about the sacrifice of stuff and more about the surrender of our souls. Lent, in kind, is less about well-mannered denials and more about thinning our lives in order to thicken our communion with God.

Alicia Britt Chole

Today’s fast: LENT AS PROJECT

What that means to me: I want these 40 days to help my heart lean in and take hold of Who Christ is.

I don’t want to measure my “progress” toward doing without or even adding another spiritual discipline to my daily routine.

Self-denial can be a source of pride.

I’m ashamed to admit that have succumbed more than once to a holier-than-thou attitude.

I will refuse to check boxes or add up what I’ve done without. “Thicken my communion with God” is my goal.

I want to be like Mary who poured out the precious oil on His feet disregarding cost, other people’s opinions and without a moment’s hesitation once the Spirit gave her heart the nod.

If you observe Lent, what are you aiming for these 40 days? If you are giving up something, why?

Are you frightened, worried or overwhelmed?

God sees, He knows and He wants you to run to Him.

He will gather you in His arms, wrap you in His love and sing songs of peace over your soul. 

*I am sharing thoughts on 40 DAYS OF DECREASE (a Lenten journal/devotional). If you choose to get and use the book yourself, I’ll be a day behind in sharing so as not to influence anyone else’s experience.*

Mardi Gras and Ash Wednesday-What a Contrast!

I think I will post this link as long as I maintain the blog because I will always be a voice for those whose lives look more like Ash Wednesday than Mardi Gras.

I will continue to speak out for space in our congregations and fellowships that acknowledge life is often hard, often unfair and often more like a broken hallelujah than a high note.

I am not a member of the Church of the Perpetually Cheerful. 

I am a member of the Broken Body of Christ, limping through this world, holding on to hope with both hands.

Read the rest here: Mardi Gras and Ash Wednesday: A Study in Contrasts

Today Is The Second Best Time to Make Amends (or Plant a Tree).

Life is really rather unforgiving, isn’t it?

I can only live forward and there are no do-overs.

No amount of regret can roll back the clock and give me another chance to do it right, do it better or just do it at all.

Read the rest here: The Best Time To Plant A Tree

What Does “Safe” Really Mean?

I remember as a  young mother of four working hard to keep my kids safe. 

dominic and siblings little children at nannys

Next to fed and dry (two still in diapers!) that was each day’s goal:  No one got hurt.  

It never occurred to me THEN to add:  No one got killed. 

Read the rest here: What is Safe?

Oh, How I Need Friends! Two ARE Better Than One.

I’ve thought a great deal about friendship since losing Dominic.  I’ve been blessed by those who have chosen to walk with me and dismayed by some who have walked away.

It takes great courage to sit in silence with those who suffer. We must fight the urge to ward off their pain with chatter.

Quiet companionship requires that we allow our hearts to suffer too.

❤ Melanie

For fifty years I was on the “other side”-the one where I looked on, sad and sometimes horror-stricken- at the pain and sorrow friends or family had to bear.

Read the rest here: Loving Well: Being a Friend