Some Days, I’m Just a Mess

weakness1

The other day a conversation about the upcoming holidays devolved into a confrontation.

What I was trying to communicate came out wrong and one thing led to another until I fled- a crying, trembling mess. 

I am trying so hard to manage this life I have left.  

I work out plans in my head to navigate what I know will be challenging events or days or gatherings.  I execute the plan as best I can and when I feel overwhelmed I try to escape to a quiet corner or a bathroom or outside for a moment to regather my composure.

But it doesn’t always work.

There are so many variables-people, lack of sleep, random added stressors, physical pain, grief triggers, and even low blood sugar-any one of which, or a combination of which, can sabotage the carefully constructed plan I’ve made.  

I feel like there are no easy days.  I feel like there are no moments when I don’t have to be on alert.  I feel like I am constantly doing battle.

I stop by the store and meet someone I haven’t seen in awhile.  They ask, “How are you?”

So I go down the line of my living children and give a description of what they are doing-leaving out how they are feeling.  I don’t mention me. The person never notices but I’m reminded again of the disconnect between what others see and what I know to be true.

Sunday’s sermon is taken from a text that could be interpreted to mean that God protects His faithful people from physical harm.  I’m hemmed in by someone on the end of the pew but I want to get up and run from the sanctuary.  

Is my son’s death judgement on my unfaithfulness or on his?

It takes every ounce of self-control I can muster to remain in place.  No one is even aware of the battle raging inside.  

I walk through each day pushing down the pain, shoving aside the rising tide of tears.

I measure my words, measure my reactions, measure my emotions-trying so very hard to keep it in.

I wish I could crawl in bed, cover my head with the blanket and just stay there until this all went away.

But I can’t.

So I muddle through the best I can-hoping that one day I will figure it out.

Probably not today.

 

 

 

 

Author: Melanie

I am a shepherd, wife and mother of four amazing children, three that walk the earth with me and one who lives with Jesus. This is a record of my grief journey and a look into the life I didn't choose. If you are interested in joining a community of bereaved parents leaning on the promises of God in Christ, please like the public Facebook page, "Heartache and Hope: Life After Losing a Child" and join the conversation.

24 thoughts on “Some Days, I’m Just a Mess”

  2. I probably commented on this post three years ago. Thank you again. These fall and winter holidays are so hard for me. Jeffy died December 19 four years ago. The last photos we have of him are from that thanksgiving, joyously eating pumpkin pie and whipped cream. I used to love pumpkin pie…May God capture our thoughts when they spiral down…so many triggers now. I kind of want to skip the traditional holidays and get together with family at different times of the year. This may happen someday. But my son loved Thanksgiving and family and the traditions around the holidays. He loved getting a tree every year with his dad. I don’t even want one. Knowing others get it is a comfort. Thanks for supporting us with your honesty, Melanie 💛💙

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  3. Pingback: STILL A Mess Some Days… – thelifeididntchoose
  4. Pingback: Grief is so hard – Some Days, I’m a Mess | Loss, Grief, Bereavement and Life Transitions Resource Library

      1. Thanks Melanie ❤️ – I am a total ‘podcast junkie’ – it’s part of my strategy for ‘taking every thought captive’ 2 Corinthians 10:5
        Last year I met an elderly gentleman who suffered from insomnia and found that putting the light on to read made things worse. I showed him how to access sermon podcasts on his iPad that he could lie there in the dark and listen to (he’s single) – he was so pleased and thanked me profusely. I keep heavy duty headphones beside the bed for when I can’t sleep!

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      3. On the advice of my technology savvy son I paid a few pence for an app called Pocket Casts which I use on my iPhone and iPad to store links to all the podcasts that I normally listen to. It takes up very little storage space and uses very little data when I’m listening to the podcasts while out and about. Having tried various different options I’ve found that Pocket Casts works best for me!

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  7. Today is a good day. (Or so I thought) Tears came again. It’s been eight months since my son went to be with Jesus. I’m trying to be myself again, trying to be what I might have been if I hadn’t been his caregiver for so long, trying to be a wife again. Trying. Maybe tomorrow.

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    1. Lisa, I am so very sorry for your pain and your loss. It is a hard, hard road. We learn to carry the load by God’s grace but it’s still a load. Praying that the Lord will overwhelm you broken heart with His love, grace and mercy.

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  9. This is how I feel today and any days. Questions arise about why did my son have to die. So much pain and suffering surrounds us. Your words always bring me comfort and I thank you for sharing your heart. Hugs to you.

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  12. As I read about the ache in your heart, I wish I could reach out and hold you. I wish I could soften the sharp shards of grief and loss that are tearing you apart. I am so deeply sorry for all the places that don’t make sense as you endure the agony of this life you didn’t choose. I am so deeply touched by how arduous it must be to try to pick up the shattered remains of your heart and carry on ….

    And I honor your courage and send you strength and support even though we have never met. 💙

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