Confession: I Talk To Myself. A LOT.

I used to be the one family and friends hit up for a phone number or address before we all had that information in our pockets via smartphones.  

Now, there are days when I have a hard time remembering my OWN phone number, much less anyone else’s. 

Grief brain and RA fog have wiped my mind clean of not only important facts but also the ability to keep track of what I’m doing and where I’m going.

So I talk to myself.

A LOT.  

see me talking getting expert advice

It’s one way of keeping me on track and on task.  

I use lists and sticky notes and phone alarms as well, but something about talking myself through the day helps more than all those things.

I also talk myself down from anxious moments.  I repeat, “This is not an emergency, this is not an emergency” over and over when a truly non-threatening trigger ramps up the adrenaline and sends my heart into overdrive.  It is so easy to be driven by urgency if I don’t remind myself of this truth.

anxiety take your time

I remind myself out loud to be careful when walking on slippery mud or working with horses.  Even when I’m not conscious of grief, it can make me careless and inattentive.  I sometimes find that I’ve wandered into a situation where extra attention is absolutely crucial if it’s to end well.  So I say, “Pay attention!” or “Watch out!” just as I would to a roaming toddler or feeble senior.

Complicated tasks have to be broken down now.  I can’t do two things at once.  If I forget and wind up juggling things when I shouldn’t be, I declare, “One thing at a time, Melanie.  One thing at a time!”

focus on one thing at a time

Driving, I’ll calm my nerves in traffic by focusing on my own lane, humming a tune and sometimes saying, “It’s not a race.  Slow down.  Take the easy way and don’t try to get around them.”  My house is 13 miles from the nearest traffic light, so when I have to go to the city, I almost always feel nervous.

And when I get out of the car at each stop I repeat the mantra:  “Keys, phone, list, purse.”

make a list sometimes remember to bring it

I have a running conversation about what I need to do next as I walk from room to room, tidying up.  I chant, “Lock the door.  Turn off the fan.  Feed the cats.” before bedtime.

The good thing about cell phones being everywhere is most times folks probably think I’m talking to someone else. 

What I like best about cell phones is that I can talk to myself in the car now and nobody thinks it’s weird.
― Ron Brackin

Either way, I don’t really care.  

no earpiece no cell phone talking to myself

It’s how I manage to get through a day without locking the keys in the car, falling on my backside or melting into an anxious puddle on the floor.  ❤

Author: Melanie

I am a shepherd, wife and mother of four amazing children, three that walk the earth with me and one who lives with Jesus. This is a record of my grief journey and a look into the life I didn't choose. If you are interested in joining a community of bereaved parents leaning on the promises of God in Christ, please like the public Facebook page, "Heartache and Hope: Life After Losing a Child" and join the conversation.

6 thoughts on “Confession: I Talk To Myself. A LOT.”

  1. I know what grief brain is but don’t know what RA fog is… I join in with the others who have left comments. It’s apparently another commonality we all share. Mine goes one step further, however. It happens when trying, painstakingly to have a conversation with my husband, who has always been a ‘half listener’ during our entire 38 years of married life. I learned how to cope with it… until Ryan died. Now I have no tolerance for difficulty when attempting to communicate. I just walk away, talking to myself about how I should be used to these one-sided conversations. but I’m not. I WANT TO SCREAM! Is this a shared experience, I wonder?

    Like

    Reply

  3. Whew! I am not the only one! I have been aware of this lately because I am alone more in the summer. Just like you said, I am talking myself through the day. It helps me go from one task to the next and to take things one at a time. (“Now do THIS.”) Sometimes I talk things out to the dog and usually the dog seems to think the plan I’ve outlined will work. I guess I’m not bonkers after all.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  5. Perhaps we are not talking to ourselves but talking to all the other bereaved parents tuned into our wavelength and getting strength from each other. ❤
    Then again perhaps that’s just my off kilter imagination but I like the thought 🤣🤣🤣

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  6. Melanie, dear, this is the perfect follow-up to yesterday’s post…or was it the day before? Talking to myself is not something new, but making lists is becoming a way of life. The forgetting…grief brain…it’s so real. I wanted to say how much I appreciate your perspective, humility, openness , love for Jesus, and gift with words that connect with me on many emotional and spiritual levels. This unplanned path of grief through the loss of a child is difficult enough; being alone would only complicate the day-to-day travels through the unexpected hills and turns. Thank you for sharing your heart and soul. You are beautiful. xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

Leave a comment