This actually happened one day last week and I was too ashamed to post it.  I’m better now.  But it took three days to recover from that emotional, physical, psychological and spiritual low point.

It required that I extend the grace to myself I would extend to another.

That’s actually harder than it sounds for someone who prefers to think of herself as the “good girl”  and the “strong one”.

There’s only so much a body can take in a day.  And I’ve reached the limit.


Started out pretty good-up with the chickens and settled into my rocking chair with a cup of coffee and my journal.


But it didn’t last.  First one thing and then another-unexpected, unwelcome, uncomfortable-life just comes flying and all I can do is hang on.

Hamster hangs on a rope

Emotions run wild.  Frustration reigns.

Why can’t things go like they are supposed to???

I am just so. very. tired.  So very tired of dragging my heart through another day.  

dragging heart

I’m trying to find the happy in this mess.

It’s hard.

I’m trying to look on the bright side.

I can’t.

I think I’ve reached my quota for today.

Image result for image bed


I don’t care if it is only noon.

I‘m going to bed.


Maybe tomorrow will be better.  


Author: Melanie

I am a shepherd, wife and mother of four amazing children, three that walk the earth with me and one who lives with Jesus. This is a record of my grief journey and a look into the life I didn't choose. If you are interested in joining a community of bereaved parents leaning on the promises of God in Christ, please like the public Facebook page, "Heartache and Hope: Life After Losing a Child" and join the conversation.

15 thoughts on “Spent”

  1. This was meant for me. With the holidays looming, so much to do. I almost dragged my exhausted self out “for a few things” tomorrow. Instead, I will refuel. Thank you. Xo
    Here’s to all our beautiful kids…


  2. I have felt this way many times where I’ve reached my limit. I have been getting better at giving myself permission to turn my phone off, cry or just go to bed shutting the bedroom door. I’d had enough. I’d hide under the covers and if God wanted to take me home, he could.
    I certainly understand the feeling of “why can’t things go the way they’re supposed to”! Seems as though I’ve been dealing with that all year.
    I’m glad we have each other in the Lord to encourage one another. ❤️


  3. Oh Melanie I so know this feeling. Makes me think of the song, “Take my hand precious Lord.” I grew up singing this song but since losing children this song holds soooo much more depth for me. I sing it with tears running down my face and even tho I can’t carry a tune in a bucket I know that my Heavenly Father hears the cry of my heart.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. My loss of my only child, a beautiful daughter, fifteen years old named, Amber Hope, was killed in a car accident twenty years ago. It still hurts to my bones. To illustrate I say if I scratch my skin, she flows from my body and she’s everywhere. Yes, twenty years, and as much as I hated to hear,” It’ll get better,” it dose. One day she was here. Then I never saw her again. Her dad, now deceased of a broken heart, and I were married twenty seven years. We also were married nine years before we had our gift. Three years after her death, our lives changed forever again. We divorced. Please, if you are married, do anything and everything you can to stay together. We had nothing else to keep us glued. I can’t remember the day I finally brushed my teeth, changed my gown, lifted the shades, changed the linen. One day ran into the other with nothing but that big black hole is my heart. It never left. I kept thinking, what’s the use? Why? It amazes me now that I do have a purpose, like writing on this board to the hundreds of mothers and fathers that may need to hear that, IT WILL GET BETTER. Brenda B

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh dear Melanie, I get it! I find myself having a meltdown over the smallest things! Before this ugly grief journey it would have been no big deal! We just need to remind ourselves how very hard child loss is on all aspects of our body. I never had trouble with anxiety before. Going on 4 years Sept. 15th for me, isn’t it gut wrenching to think it’s been that long since we have hugged our sons??!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I’m so sorry that things are especially hard right now. I really appreciate you sharing your heart with us. Bed is one of my ‘go to’ places too when it all gets too much. Sending you love and prayer. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m so thankful that you are genuine, transparent. We all have days that we struggle to get through, when that waves or at times tsunami of grief knock us over. It’s so important to be honest in your journey, no matter how ashamed we might feel. You just never know how it may help someone else to know that they’re not alone! Thank you for sharing your heart!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Stephanie-I hate that others share this pain but it helps to know I’m understood. May the Lord encourage your heart today as you have encouraged mine.


  8. so. very. tired. is the best description of how we feel. When you are exhausted before the day even begins it is hard to make it through some of them. Again, thank you for your honesty and transparency. As Karie said, it really helps to know we are not alone. Hoping today is one of the better ones for all of us.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. No shame, Melanie! We all feel this way…in fact, putting words to those feelings helps me know I’m not alone. I like how you talk about dragging your heart through another day. That is so so so true! The other night, I went to bed at 7:30-I was so tired. My husband asked me why I went to bed so early, and my response was, “I needed the day to finally end.”

    Liked by 3 people

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