No great wisdom today. No wonderful insight.
Just tears.
A day that was going pretty well ended in a conversation with someone who should have known better stomping all over my heart.
Someone who is very much aware of my loss acted like it hadn’t happened.
It really hurt.
After all this time I was surprised by how very much it hurt.
So I cried.
I cried because I miss Dominic.
I cried because a day that had felt victorious ended in defeat. I cried because it feels selfish to hold people to the standard of caring about my broken heart when they are so busy with their own lives.
I cried because it feels like even those who shouldn’t forget ARE forgetting–the son that walked beside me for almost 24 years has been set aside in less than three.
My heart hurts and I don’t think I can just suck this up. I’m not even sure that I should.
Where do I draw the line between extending grace and asking for it?
I just don’t know.
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thelifeididntchoose 
Thank you for all of your posts. I lost my son 3/15/17, he was 29. Dec 15 was nine months and it hit so very hard. I don’t know if it is because of the holidays or because I carried him nine months. But, as we all know, sometimes there is no reason. I can’t fathom facing Christmas with the empty spot-just the thought of it brings so many tears.
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Thank you Melanie for these reposts. They are meaningful to those of us who are not as far down this path. It helps to know what to expect in the future and to remind us that our feelings are valid no matter how soon or long it’s been since our children left this world. One of the many things that is helpful about this forum is that we all understand our life now has a new normal. We are now different people because a part of us is not here. We can function (most days) and we can enjoy life, but we have to make accommodations for this missing piece of our heart.
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Four years and I’m still trying figure out that line. Everyone has long since gone back to their lives. Here I sit reading your blog and tears are just flowing. Flowing for you and others who know the intense pain of losing a child/children. 23 years with this incredible boy who became a man and then left. My son lives with our Lord and my intense love will follow me right into his arms one day.
Shed those tears dear one and release the love and the hurt from within.
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Oh dear sister. Sometimes the waves of grief are overwhelming. No logic or reason. Just keep breathing…in-out..in-out. It takes time and work for this to heal, but the scars will always be there. My bum knee can attest to it and it’s been 28 years. And now my broken heart? I know I’ll have scars just from experience. Bless your heart and be kind and loving to yourself.
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Thank you friend. I’m sitting in front of a fire today. Cooking and baking which are my go-to activities for helping my heart.
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At least you have found something constructive to help your hurts.
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It’s been 9 months. This is the first Christmas. Going through the motions. Tree is up but no decorations yet. Shopping but never know when the tears will start flowing. Christmas stockings at Target…one with the letter C. How will I find the strength to unpack the stockings? I miss you Cale Samuel. Abba Father please hold me and other mamas at this time.
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I wish I were there to cry with you! This line . . . “Where do I draw the line between extending grace and asking for it?” . . . so well said. Love to you, Melanie!
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Thank you Janet. I know you understand. Love you too!
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I understand❤️❤️My son died 4/2015 at 36 from colon cancer. twenty long months of missing Scott. Some say this gets easier with time…….maybe a lifetime from now……..some ask “Are you back to normal now?” ….. what is normal? I don’t even know what that means……I treasure my memories, my love for him ….and I know We will be together again….. until then, I will follow my heart and grieve, cry, sob..when I need to.
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Time by itself does nothing. But time plus the grace, mercy and love of God can help my heart learn to bear this great burden. If by “normal” folks mean “back to the way I was before my son went to Heaven”-no. Not going to happen. That would be like asking a mother when she was going to get “back to the woman she was before having a child”. Both are life-changing events that do not “wear off”. Praying for you.
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I hate it when folks…some of them very dear friends!…ask that question–“Are you back to normal yet?” I usually just say something like, “I will never be back to normal”, and then change the subject. I try to extend grace. BUT if I was already feeling really down and sad that day, I might need to be given grace while I bite my lip and try to say nothing rude in response. I try to remember that unless someone has lost a child they can NOT know what it’s like. And I would never wish that on anyone!!
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My 24 year old son also died 6 years ago. I struggle with my expectations often. Some people don’t get it. I am so sorry. Stick with those who do. It will surprise you who can be on the journey and who can’t….xoxo
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You’re right Jane. My two most devoted friends for these past months were women who hadn’t been a major part of my life for years (I had moved from the area). But when they heard, they committed to walk with me, to minister to me, to encourage and uplift my heart any way possible. They have been a safe place, a lifeline and a godsend. Praying for you, mama, in this hard journey. Thank you for the kind words of encouragement!
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