I remember the first couple times I ventured out in public after Dominic left us and the flurry of activity surrounding his funeral was over.
I felt naked, afraid and oh, so vulnerable.
The tiniest misplaced word or random glance could undo me and I burst into tears.
The months when I can sleep with windows open are my favorite.
I love fresh air and I love falling asleep to the sound of the breeze tinkling my wind chimes or the rain drip, drip, dripping on the leaves.
Last night I had been asleep for a few hours and woke to a sound I rarely hear after dark-a bird (probably one nesting in the tree outside my bedroom window) was singing her heart out. I listened for awhile, thinking that surely something had startled her awake and as soon as her eyes took in the night she’d hush her melody and go back to sleep.
But she just kept singing.
Chortling through chord after chord, note after note, trill after trill.
I fell back to sleep before she did.
And as I was drifting off, I was reminded of this verse:
I’m thankful for open windows, singing birds and daily reminders that I am not alone on this journey through the Valley of the Shadow of Death.
Jesus is here.
He loves me.
He gives my heart songs in the night.
Any one can sing in the day. When the cup is full, one draws inspiration from it; when wealth rolls in abundance around them, any one can sing to the praise of a God who gives an abundant harvest. It is easy to sing when we can read the notes by daylight; but the skillful singer is the one who can sing when there is not a ray of light to read by—who sings from their heart, and not from a book that they can see, because they have no means of reading, except from that inward book of their living spirit, where notes of gratitude pour out in songs of praise. No one can create a song in the night by themselves; they may attempt it, but they will learn how difficult it is.
~C.H. Spurgeon
You cannot possibly know that scented soap takes me back to my son’s apartment in an instant.
You weren’t there when I cleaned it for the last time, boxed up the contents under the sink and wiped the beautiful, greasy hand prints off the shower wall. He had worked on a friend’s car that night, jumped in to clean up and was off.
He never made it home.
So when I come out of the room red-eyed, teary and quiet, please don’t look at me like I’m a freak.
How do you know when you are blind?”…”You don’t…you only know afterward when you can see. The blindness of the disciples does not keep their Christ from coming to them. He does not limit his post-resurrection appearances to those with full confidence in him. He comes to the disappointed, the doubtful, the disconsolate. he comes to those who do not recognize him even when they are walking right beside him. He comes to those who have given up and are headed back home, which makes this whole story a story about the blessedness of brokenness.
[Barbara Brown Taylor, Gospel Medicine]
Oh, how I am tempted to build a wall between myself and Jesus!
I keep thinking that I must be a certain way or do a certain thing to be worthy of His grace and mercy.
The checklists I create are really just a way to make myself feel better about my own helplessness.
And I am so very helpless.
There is no prerequisite to receiving grace.
He comes.
He gives.
He saves.
I am the good shepherd. I am the one who really cares for the sheep. The good shepherd is willing to die to save his sheep. ~Jesus
John 10:11 WE
I am so thankful for my children.
While I was the teacher for their early years, they are now teaching me.
From my daughter, Fiona:
It’s tempting to look at someone doing a hard thing (like foster care) or living out a hard truth (like child loss) and label them as “special”, “brave”, “extraordinary”, or “chosen by God for a big purpose”.
I get it.
Those things ARE hard and downright terrifying… and a lot of days the sacrifice weighs heavier than the reward (in this life).
But as long as we relegate Christ-like love and endurance to the “chosen few”, we excuse ourselves from walking the hard (and often lonely) sacrificial path God has called each of His children to.
“On earth as it is in Heaven” is not the prayer of the brave, it’s the prayer of the average & broken who know that they are not extraordinary but dependent; who know that there is no formula for this life that will keep you & your loved ones safe this side of Heaven; who have decided that they are not content to simply get their own selves or families safely to shore.
Only you know in your heart what your kingdom work is on this earth and only you can decide if you will do it.
Every single one of us is weak and tired and ordinary and lacking “ideal” circumstances and timing and resources.
God doesn’t ask us to be “special”, He asks us to be obedient with no guarantee of earthly rewards or success.
You are one of the ordinary people loved by an extraordinary God.
“Brave, special, extraordinary, sacrificial, & compassionate” are not the calling.
They are characteristics of regular folks forged in the fire of immense challenges who start by saying a scared “yes” to our broken world’s screams for help.
I spent last weekend with eleven other bereaved mamas in a small Christian camp in Mississippi*
I’ll be honest-what sounded like a great idea a few months ago had begun to sound like an awful and intimidating idea about three days before I was supposed to go.
Even though I felt more prepared for this event than the Through This Valley Conference in October, I was still filled with trepidation at facilitating five sessions over three days with women I had only “met” online.
I wanted to go.
I wanted to take this next step toward sharing and serving and healing for my own heart. But I was still more than a little scared.
I am so, so glad I went!
Every single mama who came through the door brought one more measure of grace into that cabin. Every heart that cracked open and shared spread the sweet aroma of brokenness and compassion rose up to meet it.
Every tear was acknowledged, every sorrow counted, every story heard.
It was beautiful.
I was overwhelmed by the grace, mercy and love that flowed in, around and through the women there. It was a perfect picture of how God intends the Body of Christ to work!
We were all poured out in service to one another.
No need for a kitchen committee or clean up crew because it was natural to reach out and pitch in.
I am oh, so sorry for the reason that brought us together. But I am absolutely amazed at the blessing that ran like a river through that place.
It was a river of healing and life.
No one left “healed”. But we all left a little better equipped for this journey.
No one received “answers”. But we all left with a few more truths tucked into our belts.
Our hearts are knit together because we chose to show up and be vulnerable.
It is a gift I will carry with me wherever I go.
*If you are looking for a lovely place to hold a children’s camp for your ministry, please consider Abby Acres Christian Camp Facebook Page
In the church we LOVE a good testimony:
“Jesus saved me from a life of drugs and alcohol abuse!”
“The Lord healed my marriage and now we are best friends and ministry partners!”
“God gave me a child after a decade of infertility!”
But you know what we DON’T love?
We don’t love broken stories that can’t be tied up in strings of victory.
We rarely love the walking wounded.
Why? Probably because we really, really want to believe that Jesus+time+counseling+the right attitude fixes everything.
But it doesn’t. There are some things that will not be “fixed” this side of heaven.
There are some among us who bear sacred scars.
Not all scars ARE sacred. But if the person whose body and heart are wounded has offered up those wounds to Jesus as an act of praise and sacrifice they are sacred, holy, set apart for His use and His glory.
And we need to make space within His Body to bear witness to these also.
We need to honor the heart that has said, “I will not turn back even though the road is long and hard and has no rainbow at the end.”
When Thomas doubted the disciples’ claims of having seen a resurrected Jesus, he wanted the wounds as proof.
Jesus appeared and complied-allowing the doubting one to see that He had, indeed, risen.
He drew close to Thomas.
Jesus: Reach out and touch Me. See the punctures in My hands; reach out your hand, and put it to My side; leave behind your faithlessness, and believe.
Thomas (filled with emotion): You are the one True God and Lord of my life.
John 20:27-28 VOICE
John describes Jesus in Revelation:
And there between the throne (with the four living creatures) and among the elders I saw a Lamb (Christ) standing, [bearing scars and wounds] as though it had been slain
Revelation 5:6a AMP
Wounds are not shameful.
They are often the mark of endurance under trial.
If the Lord Himself is bearing witness to His suffering for all eternity by displaying the scars from His wounds, then should we not also welcome others to do the same?
When we receive with gladness those who bear sacred scars we honor the life of Christ in them. We bear witness to the power of His love to supply strength and passion to persevere.
We are raising up a testimony to the world that says, “He really IS enough!”
Time, by itself, does not heal the pain of child loss.
But time, plus the work grief requires, plus God’s grace poured out on my heart and in my life, does bring a measure of healing.
I did not believe that in the first months or even years. But I can testify to that truth today. It has been a slow and very painful process full of stops and starts, one step forward, two steps back.
Am I still very broken?
Absolutely!
Am I still limping?
YES!
Until the day I die I will never be the same.
But I have grown stronger and better able to carry this load of sorrow and God is helping me turn the ashes into something beautiful.
That something bears witness to my son, to my pain and to the truth that, with God’s help, I can endure faithfully to the end.
And God is no respecter of persons-He has not given me anything He will not pour out on every single heart that asks.
My prayer for each wounded reader is that you will feel the Father’s loving arms around you and that He will flood your broken heart with His grace, mercy and comfort.
❤
I wrote this originally two years ago-about 20 months after Dominic ran ahead to heaven.
While I continue to grow stronger, to heal a bit more, to find more joy in the every day and the special days, I am can still be felled by a single scent, thought, song or memory.
Truth is, I miss him. I miss my son.
And there is no cure for that.
No matter how tightly I strap on my armor, grief sends arrows through the tiniest unprotected chink and pierces my heart.
There is no defense against the sound, the smell, the wayward memory that sends me back in time to when Dominic was alive and with me.
And once there, to drag myself forward to today—where he is neither—is torture.
Read the rest here: Not as Strong as I Look
It was a long time before I wanted to believe that I received any gifts worth keeping from this life I didn’t choose.
I knew I had tears, pain, agonizing sorrow, loss, heartache, dashed hopes, empty arms.
If I could give those back and regain my son, I would do it in less than a heartbeat.
I can’t, so I’m left here to ponder what else I’ve received from burying a child.
And I am learning that I have been given some gifts I truly cherish, although the price was higher than I would have willingly paid.
I call them grace gifts: heart-expanding, hope-enlarging.
I am learning compassion, which is something quite different than sympathy or pity which are just compassion’s paper stand-ins.
My heart is tuned to the suffering of others in a way I never knew before, even if their suffering is very different than my own.
I have been given new eyes for the people around me. I’m not as quick to decide I know someone’s story based on the clothes they wear or the car they drive.
I’m more patient with strugglers and stragglers although I am less patient with braggarts and bullies.
I’m more inclined to listen than I used to be.
My heart writes my “to do” list instead of my head-people over projects.
Every. Time.
I love harder but more loosely than I did before. I’ve learned you can only hold on to this moment, this smile, this hug, and the rest is in God’s hands.
I am quicker to forgive-myself and others-because we are all failures in one sense or another.
I speak blessings aloud instead of simply in my head, too embarrassed lest anyone should laugh at such an archaic tradition.
I am learning to let go of my own and others’ expectations.
I shed tears when I need to, smile when I want to, belly laugh when I can.
I’m very much NOT the person I was before Dominic ran ahead to heaven-in many ways a sadder person.
But in many ways a wiser one as well.
thelifeididntchoose 