I was caught unaware mid-morning by tears.
No reason, just my heart remembered that this life I’m living is not the life I expected.
Nowhere to go but to God.
No hope to cling to but His Word.
It’s the best I can do.
Category: heart
Baby Steps and Falling Forward
Sometimes I schedule a post the night before and wake up to a day that contradicts everything I just wrote.
Grief is like that.
Good day. Bad day. Better day. Worse day.
I can barely predict one moment to the next, much less a day or a week.
It’s easy for me to become discouraged when I stare at my own feet-measuring paltry progress when I long for leaps and bounds.
But truth is, no life is lived primarily by giant strides. It’s mostly baby steps and falling forward.
Got up this morning? Step.
Remembered to make that phone call? Step.
Smiled at the bird outside the window? Step.
Looked at Dominic’s picture and treasured the memory instead of crying? Step.
And when I trip over my broken heart listening to a song on the radio and tumble headlong into wracking sobs-I reach out and fall forward, still making a little progress toward learning to live through a day.
It doesn’t matter how fast or how far I’ve traveled in this Valley.
It only matters that I refuse to give up.
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Repost: Monday Musings-Mercy
A precious sister-in-loss created this image.
It’s my theme song.
And the message of my heart.
Read the rest here: Monday Musings: Mercy
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Amazing *FREE* Opportunity for Bereaved Parents
If you are a bereaved parent and can fly,
drive
or walk to Hot Springs, Arkansas October 6-7
you will want to make the journey.
April Wendland, a bereaved mama with a heart to reach others with hope and love has organized a conference just for us.
And it’s *FREE* to bereaved parents.
From the website:
“THROUGH THIS VALLEY is a faith based conference designed BY bereaved parents, FOR bereaved parents.
We know the deep pain. We know the longing.
We know the questions. We know the heartache.
But we’ve also found some healing. We’ve found some peace for our hearts.
We’ve found some answers.
And we understand the Healer in new & grateful ways.
It is our desire to share what we’ve learned with other bereaved parents who are searching for answers. And being together with others who have gone through similar experiences somehow gives us all a little more strength & comfort too. You are not alone. There is hope. This conference will change the lives of those who have open hearts & ears to hear.
There is no charge to the bereaved parents for the THROUGH THIS VALLEY conference.
All speakers, attendees & most staff are bereaved parents.”
I’m going.
Wanna join me there?
Click here for more information or to register: Through This Valley
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Repost: Dig the Well BEFORE You are Thirsty
I am not a fan of church signs.
Most of the time they try to be cute and reduce eternal truth to a few words that often leave room for [mis]interpretaion.
But I saw one today that I DID like: “Dig the well before you are thirsty”.
Read the rest here: Dig the Well BEFORE You are Thirsty
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Yay You! Here’s to the Hearts That Persevere
This past little while I’ve started taking care of some things that have lingered long since Dominic left us.
The thought of doing them, of dealing with the details, and of trying to keep my tears behind my eyelids was overwhelming.
But they needed to be done.
So I’ve plunged ahead.
I’ve called on good friends to give me pep talks.
I’ve given myself pep talks.
Honestly, I’m exhausted. It will most likely take me a week to recover.
But I did it.
I didn’t give up. I didn’t give in. I marched forward and conquered the fear and anxiety.
And “Yay You!” to every heart that chooses to persevere
even when it’s hard
or uncomfortable
or feels impossible.
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Bereaved Parents Month Post: I am NOT Crazy!
I shared this post for the first time a year ago.
Before I was part of the community of loss parents, I had no idea how quickly we are expected to “move past”, “get over” or “deal” with the death of a child.
I was horrified to find out that even though most parents would say something like, “I just don’t know how I would survive if my child died” they were the very ones who thought I should sail past this life-shattering event after what they deemed an “appropriate” amount of grief and/or time.
So I’m sharing again in honor of Bereaved Parents Month. If these words speak to you or for you, please share them. We need to help others understand our lives this side of child loss. ❤ ~Melanie
It was just over a year after Dominic’s accident and a friend forwarded an article about odd behaviors of those who were “stuck’ in grief. Along with the forward was a little tag, “Reminds me of you.”
It hurt my feelings.
And it was inappropriate.
Read the rest here: I am NOT Crazy!
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I Don’t Cry Every Day Anymore
I’ve never really been much for lots of tears.
Most of my crying before Dominic ran ahead to heaven consisted of silent tears slipping down my cheeks and onto my chin. Every now and then I would have a good, old-fashioned sob.
But between April 12,2014 and that October or November, I cried every day. I cried so much I thought surely I would run out of tears. I cried so much I needed to drink more water to remain hydrated.
Then it stopped.
The ache settled deeper into my bones and tears no longer came as an easy outlet for the pain I was feeling.
I still cried a few times a week, but not as long or as loud as those first months. I could tell (most of the time) what had triggered the tears-a photo, a song, an item his hands had touched, a memory or even a whiff of someone who wore the same cologne walking past in a crowd.
Then THAT stopped.
I got so good at stuffing the immediate emotional response I hardly ever cried anymore.
Except that sometimes-random moments-the heavy lid I keep screwed down tight on all those feelings comes undone. And I am helpless as the sorrow, missing and horror of child loss creeps up my spine, raises my heart rate and settles as a silent scream at the back of my throat.
A sob escapes. The tears flow. Usually I’m done for that day-left a quivering mass of emotional jello, unable to pack it all up and get on with things.
And that’s OK.
I don’t cry every day anymore, but when I do, it’s a necessary and important part of the healing process.
I won’t apologize for my tears.
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Fifth Sunday Singings and a Mama’s Broken Heart
Fifth Sunday Singings are a tradition down South.
We gather in the evening or afternoon every time there is a fifth Sunday in a month and sing, sing, sing.
Sometimes there are featured groups but often it’s just the faithful few who enjoy picking favorite hymns that might not get much air time on Sunday mornings.
Inevitably the hymns that are chosen most often include a verse or two about “when the roll is called up yonder” or “the streets of gold” or “amazing grace”. Because almost all of us have a hymn etched on our hearts during a time of trial or sorrow or deep suffering.
And it’s the promise that God is faithful, His word is true and this life is not all there is that gets us through.
But for this mama’s broken heart, a few choruses in and I’m in tears.
While I am thankful, thankful, thankful that I know I will see my son again, these hymns remind me that a lifetime may lie between here and there.
The waiting is hard.
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Note To Self: Forward is Forward
I’m pretty sure the first time I wrote a note to myself was in second grade.
I had discovered a book of quotes and decided that some were worth remembering so I copied them down and taped them to my bedroom wall
Now I have notes all over the house-on kitchen cabinets, the refrigerator door, my bathroom mirror, above my bed-anywhere my eyes might land when my heart needs encouragement.
Here are the ones I have posted now:
[Be present.]
I don’t want to miss a single moment with the ones I love because I know too well that more moments are not promised.
[Choose to listen.]
It’s so easy to babble on and not HEAR the other person in front of me or on the phone. I already know what I’M thinking and feeling, listening is the only way to know what THEY’RE thinking and feeling.
[Escape ruts.]
Habits are helpful when they remind me to brush my teeth. Not so much when they lead me down paths of fruitless relationship patterns and knee-jerk responses. I’m not a thoughtless amoeba. I can change.
[Forward is forward.]
If I am ONE INCH closer to my goal then I have made progress. I refuse to be discouraged, no matter how slowly I am walking, crawling or limping ahead.
[Laugh!]
Laughter makes life lighter. There is already too much heaviness in this journey. Never miss a chance to laugh and lighten the load.
[Do small things with great love.]
I will never take a national stage or be able to address giant problems, but I can bend down to kiss a skinned knee, open a door for an old lady and bake cookies for my neighbor. I won’t neglect or despise the small things waiting for the big ones that will never come along.
[The best is yet to come.]
The life I see is not all the life there is. In fact, it’s not even the best life there is. The best is yet to come when all this pain and sorrow and hurt will be redeemed. My heart and my family will be restored. My tears will be wiped away and I will stand in the glorious Presence of God and Christ forever.
[Love wins.]
I have a choice of what I allow to fill my broken heart. I will not choose bitterness. Bitterness is buried with the heart that carries it. But love lasts forever. Its impact ripples through eternity. It cannot be silenced or stopped.
thelifeididntchoose 