I’m not the same me I was two years ago.
I no longer look with confidence down the driveway as friends and family pull away, certain that we will see one another soon.
I whisper, “Be safe” when we part, but know that they are not the keeper of their days and that “being safe” doesn’t mean everyone escapes deadly peril.
Read the rest here: A Different Me
When my kids went anywhere, I would always ask them to send a text just to let me know they had safely arrived at their destination. They honored that request (most of the time!) and it eased my mind.
My mama heart wanted to know they were OK.
My living children still send me texts when traveling. It’s an easy way to relieve anxious thoughts and I appreciate it.
But my son, who has made the last great journey, is silent.
And that’s exactly what I expected.
I think Dominic is so enthralled with the beauty of Heaven, with the communion of saints gone before and with the fullness of joy at the right hand of his Savior that he does not look with longing at the life he left.
He is in possession of the promise. He knows fully, even as he is fully known.
At present we are men looking at puzzling reflections in a mirror. The time will come when we shall see reality whole and face to face! At present all I know is a little fraction of the truth, but the time will come when I shall know it as fully as God now knows me!
I Corinthians 13:12 PHILLIPS
He has the ultimate assurance that God is faithful and that His lovingkindness endures forever. Dominic (if he even thinks of it at all) has no concern that the same Savior who rescued him won’t also rescue me.
“You must not let yourselves be distressed—you must hold on to your faith in God and to your faith in me. There are many rooms in my Father’s House. If there were not, should I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you? It is true that I am going away to prepare a place for you, but it is just as true that I am coming again to welcome you into my own home, so that you may be where I am. You know where I am going and you know the road I am going to take.”
~Jesus ( John 14:1-4 PHILLIPS)
My faith has been tested in ways I never thought it would be. And it has been, and continues to be, HARD.
Now faith is the assurance (title deed, confirmation) of things hoped for (divinely guaranteed), and the evidence of things not seen [the conviction of their reality—faith comprehends as fact what cannot be experienced by the physical senses]
Hebrews 11:1 AM
The same God who made a donkey speak and sent ravens to feed Elijah can use the birds of the air and the beasts of the field to encourage me.
And He does- I have found a dozen perfect bird’s nests since Dominic left us. I believe they are signs from my Savior, not my son-tokens of hope sent to bless my broken heart from the Father who loves me.
God still speaks-He makes Himself known through His Word, through people, through nature and in still, small whispers to my heart through His Spirit.
He doesn’t answer all my questions. But I don’t feel abandoned.
Dominic is with Jesus and Jesus is with me.
Jesus Christ is always the same, yesterday, today and for ever.
Hebrews 13:8 PHILLIPS
I don’t feel close to Dominic at his grave. I go to honor him, to give voice to his memory but the essence of who he was and who he still is, lies in my heart and in the hearts of those who loved him and love him still.
And the witness of that enduring love is the sign to which I cling.
Faith is to believe when you do not see; the reward of this faith is to see what you believe.
~Augustine
I have three surviving children.
And every time I don’t hear from one of them when I expect to or I can’t reach them on their cell phone I have to take a deep breath and speak truth to my heart.
God began to do a good work in you. And I am sure that he will keep on doing it until he has finished it. He will keep on until the day Jesus Christ comes again. Philippians 1:6 WE
I have to talk myself out of plunging headlong off the precipice of dark “What ifs” that is always at the edge of my concious thought.
I have to remember that even when I am right there with them, I am not in control.
I am not the one who orders their days and determines their steps.
You see all things; You saw me growing, changing in my mother’s womb; Every detail of my life was already written in Your book; You established the length of my life before I ever tasted the sweetness of it. Psalm 139:16 VOICE
Losing Dominic suddenly, unexpectedly and violently has shaken my faith. All the verses I recited and underlined and “claimed” now bear witness against my doubting heart.
So I remind myself that God had a plan, He has a plan and that He worked His plan through Dominic and is now working it through me.
“Now when David had served God’s purpose in his own generation, he fell asleep; [and] he was buried with his ancestors” Acts 13:36 NIV
Here I am, a bit more than two years later, and I can say this:
If my grip on Jesus was the determining factor in staying connected, I would have fallen into the pit long ago. If MY hold on hope decided whether or not the rope slipped through my hands, I would be lost.
But while I can muster the strength (sometimes) to grab desperately at a thread of His garment, I am not the one who holds Him. He is the One who holds ME.
Jesus said:
“I give them eternal life, and they shall never lose it or perish throughout the ages. [To all eternity they shall never by any means be destroyed.] And no one is able to snatch them out of My hand.”
John 10:28 AMPC
I still have work to do, and I don’t want to be immobilized by fear of what might happen. I don’t want to waste the days that I am given by worrying about the ones that might be taken away.
For we are God’s [own] handiwork (His workmanship), recreated in Christ Jesus, [born anew] that we may do those good works which God predestined (planned beforehand) for us [taking paths which He prepared ahead of time], that we should walk in them [living the good life which He prearranged and made ready for us to live]. Ephesians 2:10 AMPC
So I recite truth to my heart.
I sing courage to my spirit.
I remind myself that while I am not in control, but I am loved by the One Who is.
The first time God reveals Himself as Jehovah-Jireh, The LORD Who Provides, is Genesis 22.
Abraham and Sarah have received their son of promise. But God tests Abraham.asking him to sacrifice Isaac.
Abraham obeys in faith, trusting God even in this request that seems to undo every promise the LORD had previously made to him.
How would he be the father of many nations if his only son was taken from him?
As they were going, Isaac noticed something unusual, “See here is the fire and the wood but where is the lamb for the burnt sacrifice?” (Genesis 22:7)
To which Abraham replied, “My son, God Himself will provide a lamb for the burnt offering.” (Genesis 2:8)
Jehovah-Jireh, the LORD My Provider was his answer.
He couldn’t see the provision, there were no loud bleats in the distance, but Abraham knew the character of the God he served and he trusted that what he needed God would provide.
And God did provide.
Isaac, bound on the altar, Abraham’s (trembling?) hand raised, the Angel of the Lord calls to Abraham:
“Do not lay your hand on the boy or do anything to him, for now I know that you fear God, seeing you have not withheld your son, your only son, from Me.”
And Abraham lifted up his eyes and looked, and behold, behind him was a ram, caught in a thicket by his horns. And Abraham went and took the ram and offered it up as a burnt offering instead of his son. So Abraham called the name of that place, “The Lord will provide” Genesis 22:12-14
I wasn’t asked to give up my son.
There was no miraculous intervention on that day.
No angel stayed the hand of circumstance that slew my child.
But I do believe that even in the Valley of the Shadow of Death, the LORD is My Provider.
He provided His own Son, Who conquered sin and death and Who made a way through the Holy of Holies for my child to enter eternity straight into the arms of Jesus.
I don’t have to fear that when Dominic left us, he was left alone.
I don’t have to worry that our seperation is forever.
I don’t have to wonder if he was “good enough” to get into heaven.
I can trust in the character of my God, The LORD My Provider, that He has made full and adequate provision for me and for all those who trust in Him through Jesus to be redeemed and restored.
And He has provided friends and family and online communities and His Word to bring me comfort in the waiting.
He fills my heart with hope when my soul is weary.
He grants peace when I am overcome with anxious thoughts.
He pours grace and mercy and love into the empty places so that being filled, I can overflow.
There are days when I wonder, days when I am afraid. When those days come, I run to the tower of the Name of the LORD. I remember that He is The LORD My Provider.
He has provided. He does provide. He will provide. He IS His Name.
When struck by fear, I let go, depending securely upon You alone. Psalm 56:3 VOICE
April 21, 2014
We bury Dom today-the day after Resurrection Sunday-we will place his mortal shell into the ground from whence he came.
But Father, I know that this is not the end. I know that what makes Dominic, “Dominic” is not what I will bury.
He is alive and with You-he is stronger than he’s ever been, more full of life than he would possibly know on earth.
I know that You are sovereign and You are love.
At this moment, I don’t understand how losing Dom is a loving act of a loving Father but I must trust in Your character regardless of circumstances.
“I heard and my [whole inner self] trembled; my lips quivered at the sound. Rottenness enters into my bones and under me [down to my feet]; I tremble. I will wait quietly for the day of trouble and distress when there shall come up against [my] people him who is about to invade and oppress them.
Though the fig tree does not blossom and there is no fruit on the vines, [though] the product of the olive fails and the fields yield no food, though the flock is cut off from the fold and there are no cattle in the stalls,
Yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will exult in the [victorious] God of my salvation!”
Habakkuk 3:16-18
May 3, 2016
I tremble still.
I often do not feel fruitful or particularly hopeful.
I wait for redemption and restoration.
But my praise is not dependent upon my understanding of what God is doing.
My praise is a proclamation of Who God is.
So I declare with my mouth and speak truth to my heart:
Know (perceive, recognize, and understand with approval) that the Lord is God! It is He Who has made us, not we ourselves [and we are His]! We are His people and the sheep of His pasture.
Enter into His gates with thanksgiving and a thank offering and into His courts with praise! Be thankful and say so to Him, bless andaffectionately praise His name!
For the Lord is good; His mercy and loving-kindness are everlasting, His faithfulness and truth endure to all generations.
Psalm 100:3-5 AMPC
If you’re looking on from the outside you might well think that I’ve laid most of my questions to rest; that I’m no longer wrestling with trying to comprehend both the sovereignty of God and the goodness of God; and that I’ve figured out how to reconcile verses that seem to promise protection for those that love the Lord and the reality of death and destruction of some of the very same people.
But you would be wrong.
I do experience the peace that passes all understanding. I do rely on Jesus to be the Arbiter of Truth and the Umpire of my questions:
Let the peace of Christ [the inner calm of one who walks daily with Him] be the controlling factor in your hearts [deciding and settling questions that arise]. To this peace indeed you were called as members in one body [of believers]. And be thankful [to God always].
Colossians 3:15 AMP
.I am trusting fully in the ultimate redemption of my pain.
Yet there are moments when I am overwhelmed by the “whys”. Thankfully they don’t come as often as they used to.
Still, I refuse to pretend that I have it all figured out. Five months later I continue to identify with what I wrote here: Wrestling With God
It is tempting to forget that there were three long days and nights between the crucifixion and the resurrection beause the way we observe this season rushes us past the pain to embrace the promise.
But it’s not hard for me to imagine how the disciples felt when they saw Jesus was dead. It was neither what they expected nor what they prayed for.
There were many points in the story when things could have gone a different way:
At every turn, every expectation they had for a “happy ending” was dashed to the ground.
But here they were: Jesus was dead. His body was taken hurriedly to a tomb. And they were hiding, praying-fearful they might be next.
There is a popular church saying: “It’s Friday….but Sunday’s coming!”
Meant to be comforting and encouraging, it can also be confusing and condemning.
Because there are many people who will live their lives on this earth between Friday and Sunday. They will live out their years, wondering just what Jesus is doing, why He didn’t act in ways they expected and exactly when they will receive the fullness of His promises for abundant life.
Here I am: my son is dead. It is certainly not what I expected. It’s not how I thought God would honor my prayers of safety and long life for my children.
Yes, I live on the other side of the Resurrection-I know the end of the disciples’ vigil-I am convinced of the empty tomb, the ascended Lord and my Great High Priest’s intercession at the right hand of the Father.
But what I long for I cannot hold. What I hope for I cannot touch. What I know to be true I cannot see.
I live in the space between “it looks like everything has gone horribly wrong” and “Hallelujah!”.
It is painful. It is hard. And it will last for a lifetime, not just a few days.
I am thankful for the resurrection, and I live each day longing for Christ’s return. But my heart hurts in the meantime, my arms ache to hold the child I love.
So be patient with me if I cry harder when singing the hymns of heaven. And be gentle when reminding me of my hope in Christ.
I am living between pain and promise and waiting desperately for Sunday.
There is a nice symmetry in this: Death initially came by a man, and resurrection from death came by a man. Everybody dies in Adam; everybody comes alive in Christ. But we have to wait our turn: Christ is first, then those with him at his Coming, the grand consummation when, after crushing the opposition, he hands over his kingdom to God the Father. He won’t let up until the last enemy is down—and the very last enemy is death! As the psalmist said, “He laid them low, one and all; he walked all over them.” When Scripture says that “he walked all over them,” it’s obvious that he couldn’t at the same time be walked on. When everything and everyone is finally under God’s rule, the Son will step down, taking his place with everyone else, showing that God’s rule is absolutely comprehensive—a perfect ending!
I Corinthians 15:25-27 MSG
No one has dared to say it to my face, but they don’t have to. In the darkness, whispers abound and they taunt me: “Where’s God now?”
“What has this faith in Jesus done for you?”
And my first response is to add up the “good” things that have happened in my life and weigh them against the “bad”.
How do I balance scales that on one side include burying my child?
How many good things would have to be piled up to outweigh the heartbreak of losing my son?
But then my heart reminds me that this is the wrong equation. The underlying premise of this arithmetic is that I can give proper value to the things I’m adding up. Even more, that the scales I am using are correctly balanced, unbiased and trustworthy.
I want my relationship with God to be one I can comprehend. I want to be able to explain Who He is and what He is doing. I want to KNOW.
Adam and Eve KNEW-they walked in the cool of the Garden with the Lord God. And even that was not enough to keep them from doubting His goodness, His promise, His heart.
So is it any wonder that on my weakest days, in my most broken moments I doubt what God is doing as I walk this valley?
If my faith depended on me, there would be no hope. If my feelings were the measure of truth, there would be no way to gauge falsehood. If my future is in my hands, I am doomed.
But all is not lost–because from before the foundation of the world, God planned my redemption, He arranged my adoption and He keeps my faith and my future secure:
Praise be to God for giving us through Christ every possible spiritual benefit as citizens of Heaven! For consider what he has done—before the foundation of the world he chose us to become, in Christ, his holy and blameless children living within his constant care. He planned, in his purpose of love, that we should be adopted as his own children through Jesus Christ—that we might learn to praise that glorious generosity of his which has made us welcome in the everlasting love he bears towards the Son.
Ephesians 1:4-6 PHILLIPS
For our momentary, light distress [this passing trouble] is producing for us an eternal weight of glory [a fullness] beyond all measure [surpassing all comparisons, a transcendent splendor and an endless blessedness]! So we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are unseen; for the things which are visible are temporal [just brief and fleeting], but the things which are invisible are everlasting and imperishable. 2 Corinthians 4:17-18 AMP
Grieving a child is not light nor is it momentary. It is a heavy weight that threatens to drag me into despair.
I feel like I’m struggling to walk up a mighty mountain with few footholds and steep cliffs. Sometimes I just want to give up.
What was Paul thinking????
“Light and momentary distress”–this from a man who had been left for dead, imprisoned, beaten, shipwrecked and abandoned by his friends?
But Paul was a master of rhetoric and used words to invite his readers to thoughtfully consider the things he said. You can’t read one of his letters like a paperback novel–you have to slow down, read carefully and think hard.
Paul depended on people’s experience that distress is in fact often heavy and lifelong to show, by contrast, how excellent and marvelous and exceedingly valuable our eternal inheritance is through Christ.
If the awful burdens of this life seem light and momentary when we enter the fullness of God’s promises in heaven, then how very great those promises must be!
Only the grace of a mighty God can give me the strength to face each day with hope and the faith to believe that the things I see are not the things that truly last.
And only the faithful love of a Heavenly Father can give me the assurance that one day I will barely remember how hard it was to walk carrying this load.
thelifeididntchoose 