Finding Me Again

There is so much work to do in grief!

So many chores that demand time, energy, effort and sheer determination.

Finding me again is one of them.

I think it’s hard for anyone whose family and close friend circle is complete to understand that I didn’t *just* lose Dominic when death claimed him, I lost the unique part of me that was reflected back from him. There is a “me” only he could draw out, make laugh a certain way, frustrate and tease over very specific issues.

Some memories were held between just the two of us. Now half the experience is buried with him. No matter how hard I try I can’t recall some of the details and even if I do they are only from my perspective.

Before child loss I was a mom who couldn’t imagine living without one of her children. Now I’m a mom who lives without one of her children. I still haven’t figured out all the ways that’s changed who I am and how I walk in the world.

Mirrors and photographs surprise me.

I know it’s my own face staring back but I barely recognize it.

I’m still searching for me.

Author: Melanie

I am a shepherd, wife and mother of four amazing children, three that walk the earth with me and one who lives with Jesus. This is a record of my grief journey and a look into the life I didn't choose. If you are interested in joining a community of bereaved parents leaning on the promises of God in Christ, please like the public Facebook page, "Heartache and Hope: Life After Losing a Child" and join the conversation.

15 thoughts on “Finding Me Again”

  1. LOVE your posts!
    Thank you for reaching out and opening up. You echo what I feel. Dominic is so handsome!!!! Our Matthew has been with the LORD since 5/4/13. I believe he’s met Dominic and they are watching over us.šŸ¦‹šŸ’›šŸ’›šŸ¦‹

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  2. Tommorow is my son’s 3 in heaven. It would be his 22nd have on Earth. From now until Easter when passed away is my darkest time. Thank you for sharing your experience with us in this blog. I read it every day and I know I am not alone. I don’t know how to find me…..

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    1. I call those months (different ones for me) my “Season of Sorrow”. Everything hurts more and life is harder to handle. Praying the Lord greets you every morning with grace and strength for that day. ā¤

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  3. So so true, unfortunately!
    Love everything you write, I lost my son on April 20, 2020 to a rare horrible disease. Ethan was a healthy 22 year old and got sick early December 2019. Gone in 5 months . It sucks and hurts so badly

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    1. I am so, so sorry for your pain and your loss! It does suck. Death is awful. Praying that you feel the Father’s loving arms around you and that He overwhelms your heart with His grace and mercy. ā¤

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    1. I lost my son Brandon at the age of 30 just 5 1/2 years ago and Iā€™m still walking in those shoes . I wouldnā€™t want any other mother to have to wear them . My heart is so broken . I donā€™t like who I am. I look in the mirror and I donā€™t like who I see . I will never be the same . I feel I have aged 10 years or more . My husband wishes I could be the old me again , he doesnā€™t like the who I am now . My family thinks I should just get over it and move on , snap out of it . Well it doesnā€™t work that way , I wish I could wake up out of this nightmare and my son is home again and I feel normal again .

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      1. I know the feeling, it just sucks. I want to wake up from my nightmare too. I donā€™t think we will ever be the same people we were. But i need to try so i can be there for my other 3 kids. Iā€™m only 6 months out from my sons death. Itā€™s depressing hearing it doesnā€™t get better as time goes by …. praying for you

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      2. I’m so sorry for your loss Laurie. Grief comes from Love and it’s so clear that you loved Brandon with all your heart. No wonder it’s broken. But, I’m so sorry that you no longer like yourself and that you feel your husband doesn’t like the person you’ve become. I hope that one day you can look in the mirror and see a reflection that Brandon would be proud of and smile. I’m 16 years on from losing my daughter and I am trying to live my life rather than exist – to participate more, notice more and to be more curious. I’m growing into a different person and one that I think my daughter would love. Sending compassion to you

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      3. This is encouraging but I hope it doesnā€™t take me 16 years lol. Iā€™ll be an old lady. Iā€™m happy to hear youā€™re becoming somewhat whole agaonšŸ’”ā¤ļøšŸ™šŸ»

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