And If Not, He’s Still God.

It’s a hard, hard lesson to learn.

It’s even harder to carry it like a precious burden in the bosom of your heart.  

Because while it is oh, so true, it does not take away the pain when circumstances just don’t change no matter how hard you pray, how long you endure or how much you wish they would.  

God’s ways are not my ways.  His thoughts are not my thoughts.  He is not required to fit into whatever box I wish to place Him.

I came to child loss with what I thought was a pretty good understanding of Scripture, of theology and of Who God is.

What I realized was that no matter how much HEAD knowledge I had, it was only HEART knowledge that could sustain me in the Valley of the Shadow of Death.

He [Christ] said not, ‘Thou shalt not be tempested, thou shalt not be trevailed, thou shalt not be dis-eased,’ but He said, ‘Thou shalt not be overcome.

•Julian of Norwich•

Some people live lives that make sense.  They connect the dots-even of the hard and tragic things-into a picture that looks like something. They emerge from the ashes like a phoenix, wings outspread in victory and rising to new heights.

Not me.  

I can’t figure out what God is doing with my life. 

I don’t feel victorious. 

Mostly I feel tired. 

But I am absolutely convinced that God loves me and that He is doing SOMETHING.  What that is and how He is doing it are hidden from me.

I don’t understand.

I can’t trace His hand.

But I trust His heart.  

If there is anywhere on earth a lover of God who is always kept safe, I know nothing of it, for it was not shown to me. But this was shown: that in falling and rising again we are always kept in that same precious love.

•Julian of Norwich•

gods stor doesnt end in ashes

Author: Melanie

I am a shepherd, wife and mother of four amazing children, three that walk the earth with me and one who lives with Jesus. This is a record of my grief journey and a look into the life I didn't choose. If you are interested in joining a community of bereaved parents leaning on the promises of God in Christ, please like the public Facebook page, "Heartache and Hope: Life After Losing a Child" and join the conversation.

11 thoughts on “And If Not, He’s Still God.”

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  5. I don’t try to figure things out. I just keep moving as the wholeness of myself is gone. Rebuilding me will take the rest of my life. Revival will come when I get to heaven. Hugs.

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  7. Yes it is a hard hard lesson, one I struggled with after Kari died. Literally thousands of people around the world were praying and believing for her healing……then she died. I had to dig deep into God and what I really believed. I have friends who believe the “everything will work out fine if you love God “ theology and at times I feel less “Spiritual “ than them, but …..

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    1. Not less spiritual Rhyl! There are several places in Scripture where God’s people are told “ and then you shall know”. In every instance it means “to know by experience “ not simply by fact. We both know ( in the biblical sense) that on earth everything doesn’t always work out. Yet we choose, by faith, to trust that it is working God’s eternal purpose and plan. I’d say that’s more spiritual. ❤️

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  8. I am so thankful for “heart” knowledge, I seemed to have relied on it most of my life. I am pretty lapse with the “head” knowledge but love to read it from you and very much admire you for it Melanie x

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  9. I feel this way too. After our Samuel went to Heaven over 3 years ago; I ask God everyday what else does he want me to do. Our family circle seems so broken. Brenda

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