It’s Been Years-What’s Wrong With You?

If you think that time makes a difference to a mama missing a child who ran ahead to Heaven without her, you don’t know as much as you think you know.

Time does not heal all wounds-especially the kind that shatter a heart into a million pieces.

It takes time for the wound to scar over, but it doesn’t undo the damage.

So if you are wondering why your coworker still takes the day off on his child’s birthday or the anniversary of her child’s homegoing, I’ll let you in on a little secret: Years disappear when those milestones loom large.

It’s just as painful today as it was on THAT day when a bereaved parent has to face an unavoidable reminder that his or her child is gone, gone, gone.

I’m not diminishing anyone’s loss when I say this but child loss is unique.

If we lose a spouse, we cannot replace that person, but we can enjoy the same type of relationship with another one.

When we lose a parent, we cannot replace that individual or that relationship, but we all know age eventually makes a claim on every life. We anticipate (even if subconsciously) that younger folks will outlive the older ones.

A parent’s heart is not equipped to outlive their child.

And yet, some of us do.

“IT’S so WRONG, so profoundly wrong, for a child to die before its parents. It’s hard enough to bury our parents. But that we expect. Our parents belong to our past, our children belong to our future. We do not visualize our future without them. How can I bury my son, my future, one of the next in line? He was meant to bury me!”

Nicholas Wolterstorff, Lament for a Son

So if the bereaved parents in your life need extra space, extra grace, extra accommodation on those days when the loss is unavoidable don’t be surprised.

What SHOULD astonish folks is that we are able to function as well as we do on all the other days of the year without additional help.

We get up.

We go on.

That’s the real surprise.

Author: Melanie

I am a shepherd, wife and mother of four amazing children, three that walk the earth with me and one who lives with Jesus. This is a record of my grief journey and a look into the life I didn't choose. If you are interested in joining a community of bereaved parents leaning on the promises of God in Christ, please like the public Facebook page, "Heartache and Hope: Life After Losing a Child" and join the conversation.

15 thoughts on “It’s Been Years-What’s Wrong With You?”

  1. Oh, so true! We attended a football game yesterday as alumni, the school my son attended and loved. The band played at halftime with the alumni band. My son was in the band and might have played as an alum had he lived. Yet this band and school contributed to his tragic death. Should I avoid games? Maybe. My heartache was (and is) in the forefront of my mind. Oh how I miss him! I await eternity and a chance to hug him again. Thank you, Melanie. 💙💛

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  2. I think it’s getting better and then I have a daily reminder that my life is forever changed. I’m not looking forward to the upcoming holidays. I miss Alex and Wilson so, so much.

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  3. Pingback: What Is Wrong With You? It’s Been Years! – thelifeididntchoose

  4. I lost my son Jeff to an overdose on September 5, 2020. We buried him last Friday. I am numb and I cry and I cannot sleep. I just don’t know what to do with myself; I go through the motions but, I feel like this is a nightmare and that I will eventually wake up. Though, I know he is gone.

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    1. I am so very sorry for your pain and your loss. Your grief is fresh and overwhelming. There is nothing that can prepare a mother’s heart for the sudden death of her child. You are not alone. The Lord sees you and He loves you. Praying you feel the Father’s loving arms around you right now and that He fills your heart with His grace and strength. ❤

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    1. Please know you are not alone and we are with you and praying with you and to god for you. I wish we didn’t get new members but we do to this club. We welcome with open arms.

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  7. On October 20,2016 I lost my daughter and her husband and my 4 beautiful granddaughters ages 11,7,5 and 2. The pain is unbearable some days I don’t even want to go on. Thank you for sharing

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  8. I lost my son Willard on July31 2019. He was killed in a car accident. I cant control my pain. I have all these different emotion. I cant sleep. I feel nausa. I go to work and always break down. A friend posted this and every word is true.

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  10. Great words. We lost a 4 year old granddaughter KK) 3 months ago. Wilms cancer was in remission but lungs filled up and she coukdnt breathe. The pain is tremendous. Please keep us in your prayers. Thanks

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  11. Pingback: It’s Been Years-What’s Wrong With You? – thelifeididntchoose | Loss, Grief, Bereavement and Life Transitions Resource Library

  12. I am so sorry. I will pray for you and your family. There is nothing I can say that will make the pain go away . My sister went through it she lost a daughter and son then her husband. .her pain ended May 17 1219. She joined them

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